Sometimes in life we have to make choices that suck. We come to the proverbial fork in the road and we have to choose. I know this better than most since I studied economics in college. Its basically the study of decision making. Its just that sometimes what you want to do and what you need to do are two different things.
Every day, we make tons of decisions. Do I talk to person A or do I let their call go to voice mail? Do I respond to the all caps, yelling email or do I hit the delete button? Do I yell at the asshole on the other end of the phone or do I let them continue yelling?
Then there are more important choices. Do you go visit a loved one in the hospital? (YES! Trust me.) Do you protect your kid from all of the evils in the world or let them learn that there are bad people or people who do bad things?
I am at that fork in the road. Its tough. I sit here today sad. Not sad for making the decision I am going to make. I know I have to. Sad because of the circumstances that have put me in this position.
I am a fighter by nature. I want to prove I am right at all costs. I want to kick the crap out of people, not literally, but figuratively. My high school guidance counselor told me I wouldn't get accepted to college. I did. I graduated in 4 years. Fuck her. My first boss out of college told me I shouldn't bother trying to earn my CPCU designation. 10 tests, 3 years later (I had to meet the minimum years of working requirement) I flew to San Diego to attend the ceremony. Thanks for giving me the motivation to prove you are an idiot.
My first practice test in law school I failed. Yep, I failed. I didn't have a clue as to what I was doing. I made crap up. Literally. Turns out that wasn't such a good way to go. 4 years of working, kids, and law school later I managed to graduate. Here I sit a month and 5 days from my 8 year anniversary of running my own firm. I guess I did know a thing or two.
But I also love. I care. I know there is hurt in the world. I can't fix it. I tried. Trust me, I have tried. I failed that. My soccer event? We raised over $6,000 and all I got from Susan G Komen was a thank you note WITH A REQUEST FOR MORE MONEY. I guess I failed in making the world a little better by our small donation to cure breast cancer, which, by the way, should go fuck off. I have tried to use the law to help the little guy, not literally as on TLC, but figuratively. I thought I could make a difference. Turns out, there is only so much you can do.
I have 4 kids. My 3 boys and my baby girl. I have a wife. That's it. That's my family now. I tried to wish my brother a happy birthday and he ignored me. Fine. I promised my mom before she died that I would make an effort. I will keep trying to make an effort. Its tilting at windmills, I think, but I promised my mom I would do it so I will keep doing it. Color me a fucking idiot.
So I now look at things differently. I have to do what is best for the 5 people who count on me, not necessarily for me. I want to stay and fight. I want to prove a point. I want to stand up and say "Fuck you. I am not the devil incarnate." But I can't and I won't. How can I when I know my oldest son needs someone to stand up for him and I have to be here to do that? He doesn't even know that he needs me to do that for him. But if not me (and my wife), then who? How can I when mini-me needs direction? He thinks he knows everything at 10. I thought I knew everything at 10. My dad was there to remind me I didn't. How can I when my youngest son looks up to me more than I knew until yesterday? He is my father, who he was named after, in so many ways. He needs me to pass on the wisdom from my dad to him so he can pass it on. How can I when my miracle baby always has a hug and a smile? Every single frickin day. She wakes up and says "Daddy." She is my angel. I don't know how she came to be, but I know she needs daddy. How can I when my wife needs me to deal with 4 kids, two of whom are challenging to say the least? We work together a team. We aren't always perfect. We aren't even always great. We have our rough patches. But we seem to always pull through when no one expects us to. We have our support system and those people are there for us on days like today when life blows.
So you win. I will make the hard decision and do what needs to be done. Not what I want to do, but what I HAVE to do. What my family needs me to do. You know, I think today, when I do this, I am becoming a man. It wasn't when I turned 13 or 18 or 21. It sure as hell wasn't sex. It wasn't when I moved out, got married, or even had kids. It wasn't when I graduated from college. It wasn't when I got a job or a 2nd job or a 3rd job or even when I went to work for myself. No, I feel my dad looking down on me today and saying "Good job, son. (He always called me son.) Today, you did what a man does. Instead of doing what you want to do, you did what you had to do for your family. Today you are a man."
So, dear fuckers, you win this time. I am going to do it. But I promise you, this isn't the end. My friends judge me not on what you say about me, but on what they see in me. My family loves me not for your contorted, messed up views of me, but for who I am. Anyone who thinks that what you say is more important than my actions doesn't need to be in my life. So judge away. Make your noble pronouncements. I hope you feel better about your lowly life. Because today I became a man and you became stepping stone for me to be a better person. I won't ever forget this day and I won't ever be the same. I will now be a better person. So thank you for that. And I will see you next time - on my terms.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
WTF is wrong with the world
What the hell is going on these days? Seriously, is Mercury in retrograde. Is Venus aligned with the Planet Formerly Known as Pluto? Er, the rock mass formerly known as a planet known as Pluto? Are the earth's bamboo trees turned backwards to bring bad luck?
Smokin' Joe Frazier dies. Joe Paterno is forced out at Penn State. These things happen. We know that. Life is a cycle. We are born, we live, we fuck up, we learn from our fuck ups, we make new fuck ups, we learn from those fuck ups, then we die. Its the life cycle. Frazier was at the end of it. Paterno was nearing the end but had a fuck up. A major one. Gigantic. I hope he learned from it. I hope we all learned from this.
I don't get the world. I know this cycle happens. But I see bitterness. I hear it on the radio. I can't turn on anything and listen to it with my kids in the car. Celebrity divorces. Kids being molested. Adults standing by and doing nothing. Greece failing. Italy close behind. Occupy Everything.
(Okay, I get Occupy Wall Street. I get Occupy San Francisco or Phoenix or San Diego or any other big city. But Occupy Elk Grove is idiotic. Occupy Yreka? I can't even pick out Yreka on a map - and neither can you. And its not funny to put Occupy in front of any word. Occupy Cold Stone Creamery? You just sound like a moron. Occupy The Internet? Really? How about you just occupy your own little space on the planet and try to make that place a better place.)
I am confused. I dont have the answers. I did read a proverb once that said something like dont just teach your children yourself because they grow up in a different time. My dad used to say something like that. He would tell me that each generation has it harder than the next. My grandparents grew up with World War I and the Great Depression. My dad had World War II and the sixties. My generation: drugs, AIDS, war after war (er, conflict after conflict). My kids grow up hearing about September 11, but not quite understanding. And who knows what else is out there.
So, I admit it. I dont know what is wrong with the world. I do know a few things.
Don't judge others until you have walked at least half a mile in their shoes. Its easy to sit down and look back at decisions people made and question them. But try being in the moment and making some of those decisions. Some work out. Some don't. But don't sit there after the fact and tell me that you think I made bad decisions because I am a bad person. That is simply wrong.
Life is hard. Yep, it is hard. Its hard at 2 when you need someone to change your diaper. Its hard at 7 when you have to go to school. Its hard at 13 when you go through puberty. Its hard at 18 when you start college. Its hard at 22 when you have to get a real job. Its hard at 30 and 35 and 40. And sometimes your life is harder than the person next to you. But, its probably also easier than the guy sleeping on the street, the guy who lost a leg fighting in a war, or the mom who lost a baby. We need to remember that.
Give back. I don't mean money. You can do that. You can give time. You can give of yourself. I am a big fan of The Untied Way. (Google it or go read my posts from December, 2010.) But you like baseball? Go find a group and teach them how to play. You know how to paint? Go teach someone. The world would be a better place if everyone gave back a few hours a week.
Love one another. I know its a cliche. Sorry. You don't like it? Don't read it. I dont write this for you anyway. If people would just stop being so negative, so mean, and get to know each other and show some fucking compassion, some understanding, everything would be better. I don't get all the hate and anger in the world. I know I am to play. I hate some debt collectors. But I am going to vow to work on that and be nicer to everyone who calls me, be it a client, another attorney or a debt collector or insurance adjuster. I am going to kill them with kindness.
You don't like me? Fine. Thats your fucking loss, you douche. Because while I am not perfect, I am not the devil either. I screw up. I make mistakes. But I am going to help you when you need it. I don't turn my back on friends. I don't leave people out there who are in need. Its sometimes bad for business. It sometimes gets me burned. But I am tired of the fucking nonsense and bullshit and judging that goes on. Cant we be nice to each other for a change?
Now, I am going to get some Giant Pandas, which might be my favorite animals of all time, and see if they can fix the bamboo. Then I am going to call Virgin Atlantic and ask them to send their fancy rocket ship into space to turn Mercury or do whatever you have to do so its not in retrograde. Then I am going to leave you with this: RIP Smokin Joe and lets all say a prayer for the kids who were hurt at Penn State and Joe Paterno, for whatever mistakes he made, he also helped hundreds, thousands of kids over the last 46 years.
Smokin' Joe Frazier dies. Joe Paterno is forced out at Penn State. These things happen. We know that. Life is a cycle. We are born, we live, we fuck up, we learn from our fuck ups, we make new fuck ups, we learn from those fuck ups, then we die. Its the life cycle. Frazier was at the end of it. Paterno was nearing the end but had a fuck up. A major one. Gigantic. I hope he learned from it. I hope we all learned from this.
I don't get the world. I know this cycle happens. But I see bitterness. I hear it on the radio. I can't turn on anything and listen to it with my kids in the car. Celebrity divorces. Kids being molested. Adults standing by and doing nothing. Greece failing. Italy close behind. Occupy Everything.
(Okay, I get Occupy Wall Street. I get Occupy San Francisco or Phoenix or San Diego or any other big city. But Occupy Elk Grove is idiotic. Occupy Yreka? I can't even pick out Yreka on a map - and neither can you. And its not funny to put Occupy in front of any word. Occupy Cold Stone Creamery? You just sound like a moron. Occupy The Internet? Really? How about you just occupy your own little space on the planet and try to make that place a better place.)
I am confused. I dont have the answers. I did read a proverb once that said something like dont just teach your children yourself because they grow up in a different time. My dad used to say something like that. He would tell me that each generation has it harder than the next. My grandparents grew up with World War I and the Great Depression. My dad had World War II and the sixties. My generation: drugs, AIDS, war after war (er, conflict after conflict). My kids grow up hearing about September 11, but not quite understanding. And who knows what else is out there.
So, I admit it. I dont know what is wrong with the world. I do know a few things.
Don't judge others until you have walked at least half a mile in their shoes. Its easy to sit down and look back at decisions people made and question them. But try being in the moment and making some of those decisions. Some work out. Some don't. But don't sit there after the fact and tell me that you think I made bad decisions because I am a bad person. That is simply wrong.
Life is hard. Yep, it is hard. Its hard at 2 when you need someone to change your diaper. Its hard at 7 when you have to go to school. Its hard at 13 when you go through puberty. Its hard at 18 when you start college. Its hard at 22 when you have to get a real job. Its hard at 30 and 35 and 40. And sometimes your life is harder than the person next to you. But, its probably also easier than the guy sleeping on the street, the guy who lost a leg fighting in a war, or the mom who lost a baby. We need to remember that.
Give back. I don't mean money. You can do that. You can give time. You can give of yourself. I am a big fan of The Untied Way. (Google it or go read my posts from December, 2010.) But you like baseball? Go find a group and teach them how to play. You know how to paint? Go teach someone. The world would be a better place if everyone gave back a few hours a week.
Love one another. I know its a cliche. Sorry. You don't like it? Don't read it. I dont write this for you anyway. If people would just stop being so negative, so mean, and get to know each other and show some fucking compassion, some understanding, everything would be better. I don't get all the hate and anger in the world. I know I am to play. I hate some debt collectors. But I am going to vow to work on that and be nicer to everyone who calls me, be it a client, another attorney or a debt collector or insurance adjuster. I am going to kill them with kindness.
You don't like me? Fine. Thats your fucking loss, you douche. Because while I am not perfect, I am not the devil either. I screw up. I make mistakes. But I am going to help you when you need it. I don't turn my back on friends. I don't leave people out there who are in need. Its sometimes bad for business. It sometimes gets me burned. But I am tired of the fucking nonsense and bullshit and judging that goes on. Cant we be nice to each other for a change?
Now, I am going to get some Giant Pandas, which might be my favorite animals of all time, and see if they can fix the bamboo. Then I am going to call Virgin Atlantic and ask them to send their fancy rocket ship into space to turn Mercury or do whatever you have to do so its not in retrograde. Then I am going to leave you with this: RIP Smokin Joe and lets all say a prayer for the kids who were hurt at Penn State and Joe Paterno, for whatever mistakes he made, he also helped hundreds, thousands of kids over the last 46 years.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
On Regrets
I was driving home today and saw a double rainbow. Ever see a double rainbow? Of course you have. You haven't seen the leprechaun at the end of the rainbow. He doesn't exist. But you have seen a double rainbow. Its not like its that uncommon.
Anyway, I was driving home and saw a double rainbow. Then I had the SiriusXM on the radio and heard some songs from my youth. Fine, I was listening to 80s on 8. Its all of my youth. Remember, it was 1st grade through high school for me. So it pretty much covered my childhood. I don't remember what song came on. Maybe it was when I was flipping back to "terrestrial radio" and heard an ad for Gordon Lightfoot. (If you don't know who he is, listen to his best song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqMG3VR5PP4) Anyway, whatever it was, made me think of my childhood. Then I thought about what regrets I have had in the last almost 40 years.
I decided I have two regrets. Regret 1: I didn't get down to San Diego when my dad was in the hospital 9 years ago. He called me a few days after my birthday. He was in the hospital with a stomach obstruction. (Okay, so it wasn't quite the stomach, but you don't want the details.) The message was that he would be out in a day. It wasn't that big of a deal. Its worse. Not only did I not go down there, I didn't call back. And what happened? He died. You want a regret in life? Don't get back to see your parent before he/she dies when you know they are in the hospital. Sucks is an understatement. Fucking sucks is an understatement. The crappiest feeling in the world? Not even close to how this feels. So that is my biggest regret.
Regret 2: Not standing up for myself when I was younger. Nothing specific here. Just not standing up for myself when I had the chance. I could have on numerous occasions. I didn't. Ever. Those of you who know me now are probably surprised that I didn't speak up. But I didn't. Lack of self confidence? Being short enough to have my own TLC show? I don't know what it was. But I do know I didn't stand up for myself. Kind of sucks. A lot. I wish I had.
Of course, now I stand up for the little people, and no, not the people on that crappy TLC show. Those people make enough money for exploiting their lack of height that I don't really consider them the little people anymore. Anyone say 1%? I stand up for the people who have no one else who stands up for them. I think this is why. I finally figured it out. I stand up for people who are being taken advantage of by others. So I guess something good came out of regret 2, although I still wish I had done it.
As for regret 1, I learned from my mistake. When my mom called me and said she was dying, I flew down to San Diego. I wasn't going to make that same mistake twice. I couldn't live with myself if I did. So I guess something good came out of that as well. Although, its a crappy lesson to have to learn for oneself.
So there you go. Two regrets. Nothing more, nothing less. I did things I am not proud of. I have hurt people I love. I have hurt people I care about. I haven't always made the right decision. But I don't regret those things. I learned from them. I grew as a person. I am sorry if you are reading this and you are one of the people I hurt. I do apologize. But I do not have regrets. I am moving forward with these two regrets which will shape my life more than I could have known at the time.
Anyway, I was driving home and saw a double rainbow. Then I had the SiriusXM on the radio and heard some songs from my youth. Fine, I was listening to 80s on 8. Its all of my youth. Remember, it was 1st grade through high school for me. So it pretty much covered my childhood. I don't remember what song came on. Maybe it was when I was flipping back to "terrestrial radio" and heard an ad for Gordon Lightfoot. (If you don't know who he is, listen to his best song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqMG3VR5PP4) Anyway, whatever it was, made me think of my childhood. Then I thought about what regrets I have had in the last almost 40 years.
I decided I have two regrets. Regret 1: I didn't get down to San Diego when my dad was in the hospital 9 years ago. He called me a few days after my birthday. He was in the hospital with a stomach obstruction. (Okay, so it wasn't quite the stomach, but you don't want the details.) The message was that he would be out in a day. It wasn't that big of a deal. Its worse. Not only did I not go down there, I didn't call back. And what happened? He died. You want a regret in life? Don't get back to see your parent before he/she dies when you know they are in the hospital. Sucks is an understatement. Fucking sucks is an understatement. The crappiest feeling in the world? Not even close to how this feels. So that is my biggest regret.
Regret 2: Not standing up for myself when I was younger. Nothing specific here. Just not standing up for myself when I had the chance. I could have on numerous occasions. I didn't. Ever. Those of you who know me now are probably surprised that I didn't speak up. But I didn't. Lack of self confidence? Being short enough to have my own TLC show? I don't know what it was. But I do know I didn't stand up for myself. Kind of sucks. A lot. I wish I had.
Of course, now I stand up for the little people, and no, not the people on that crappy TLC show. Those people make enough money for exploiting their lack of height that I don't really consider them the little people anymore. Anyone say 1%? I stand up for the people who have no one else who stands up for them. I think this is why. I finally figured it out. I stand up for people who are being taken advantage of by others. So I guess something good came out of regret 2, although I still wish I had done it.
As for regret 1, I learned from my mistake. When my mom called me and said she was dying, I flew down to San Diego. I wasn't going to make that same mistake twice. I couldn't live with myself if I did. So I guess something good came out of that as well. Although, its a crappy lesson to have to learn for oneself.
So there you go. Two regrets. Nothing more, nothing less. I did things I am not proud of. I have hurt people I love. I have hurt people I care about. I haven't always made the right decision. But I don't regret those things. I learned from them. I grew as a person. I am sorry if you are reading this and you are one of the people I hurt. I do apologize. But I do not have regrets. I am moving forward with these two regrets which will shape my life more than I could have known at the time.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Adults ruin things
I am in a bad mood and short on time. And then I am sitting down at my computer and I come across this: http://rivals.yahoo.com/highschool/blog/prep_rally/post/Top-soccer-team-booted-from-playoffs-for-strange?urn=highschool-wp7674
What the fuck is wrong with adults? Seriously. So this team from NY, the Holland High Dutchwomen, went 15-2 this year in their season. Thats a pretty impressive record in high school, college, or at Under 10. However, they dont qualify to play in the NY state tournament. Why? I mean, 15-2 they should be seeded like 1st or 2nd, right? WRONG!
You see, some egghead in NY decided varsity teams cannot play more than 16 games in a season. An honest mistake was made by the Holland High Athletic Department. The girls played 17 games. So what is the proper punishment? A ban from the postseason. Seriously? Who comes up with these bullshit rules?
You know what the punishment is? Its supposed to fit the "crime." The crime was playing an extra game. Change their record to 14-2 and give one of their opponents an extra win. Easy. Drop their seed so they aren't seeded 1st and they are seeded 5th. Fine. Explain to them that a mistake was made and they still get to play BECAUSE THE GIRLS DID NOTHING WRONG.
I mean this is a joke. Who is in charge in NY? Oh, I know. Some guy who makes too much money at his job, has a ridiculous pension, and has never played organized sports a day in his life. How do I know this? Because anyone who has played organized sports knows that you want a chance to prove you are the best. Win, lose or draw, you want your shot. And, whoever wins the postseason "championship" wins it knowing that they didn't play Holland High.
How would that feel? Congratulations, East West High of NY. You won but one of the best teams in the state didn't get a chance to play in the tournament so we don't really know how good you are. You might be the best. But the girls from Holland might be better. We dont know and we will never know.
I dont care if you go to Holland High, or like me, you don't know where Holland High is located. I don't think I could pick it out on a map of NY with only two places listed and one of them being Manhattan. I know that as a competitor, an athlete, I want to play the best. I want to show I am the best. Isnt that what this should be about?
Sure, lets get on the Holland High administrators. Maybe they think 15+2 is 16 in that new math that they teach. Fine. 10 lashes with a wet noodle for them. Maybe they think that no one would catch on. Maybe they just plain old fucked up. I am fine with that and with some sort of "punishment" for the adults. But to sit here and punish these girls for something they didn't do is simply wrong. Plain and simple. The state of NY should get its act together and let these girls play.
By the way, go "like" their facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Justice-for-Holland-Girls-Varsity-Soccer/256170881101445#!/pages/Justice-for-Holland-Girls-Varsity-Soccer/256170881101445 And if you are up to it, email the jackasses who are ruining it for these girls.
What the fuck is wrong with adults? Seriously. So this team from NY, the Holland High Dutchwomen, went 15-2 this year in their season. Thats a pretty impressive record in high school, college, or at Under 10. However, they dont qualify to play in the NY state tournament. Why? I mean, 15-2 they should be seeded like 1st or 2nd, right? WRONG!
You see, some egghead in NY decided varsity teams cannot play more than 16 games in a season. An honest mistake was made by the Holland High Athletic Department. The girls played 17 games. So what is the proper punishment? A ban from the postseason. Seriously? Who comes up with these bullshit rules?
You know what the punishment is? Its supposed to fit the "crime." The crime was playing an extra game. Change their record to 14-2 and give one of their opponents an extra win. Easy. Drop their seed so they aren't seeded 1st and they are seeded 5th. Fine. Explain to them that a mistake was made and they still get to play BECAUSE THE GIRLS DID NOTHING WRONG.
I mean this is a joke. Who is in charge in NY? Oh, I know. Some guy who makes too much money at his job, has a ridiculous pension, and has never played organized sports a day in his life. How do I know this? Because anyone who has played organized sports knows that you want a chance to prove you are the best. Win, lose or draw, you want your shot. And, whoever wins the postseason "championship" wins it knowing that they didn't play Holland High.
How would that feel? Congratulations, East West High of NY. You won but one of the best teams in the state didn't get a chance to play in the tournament so we don't really know how good you are. You might be the best. But the girls from Holland might be better. We dont know and we will never know.
I dont care if you go to Holland High, or like me, you don't know where Holland High is located. I don't think I could pick it out on a map of NY with only two places listed and one of them being Manhattan. I know that as a competitor, an athlete, I want to play the best. I want to show I am the best. Isnt that what this should be about?
Sure, lets get on the Holland High administrators. Maybe they think 15+2 is 16 in that new math that they teach. Fine. 10 lashes with a wet noodle for them. Maybe they think that no one would catch on. Maybe they just plain old fucked up. I am fine with that and with some sort of "punishment" for the adults. But to sit here and punish these girls for something they didn't do is simply wrong. Plain and simple. The state of NY should get its act together and let these girls play.
By the way, go "like" their facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Justice-for-Holland-Girls-Varsity-Soccer/256170881101445#!/pages/Justice-for-Holland-Girls-Varsity-Soccer/256170881101445 And if you are up to it, email the jackasses who are ruining it for these girls.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Some thoughts - just thoughts
I dont know sometimes. I am sitting here in my kitchen, sad, alone. Physically alone. I have friends and family and they are great. But sometimes I still feel alone. Part of that is me. I dont open up very well. I know. Its a character flaw. Part of it is life. I just dont want to talk about everything. Thats why I have this.
So I sit here sad. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. I probably have the flu. I know I have stress. Tums tastes like crap. I have music playing, but idiot Jon decides it would be good to listen to depressing music. Yep, thats me. When you are sad, of course you should listen to sad music. What fucking kind of idiot am I? I dont know. Maybe I wouldnt be sad if I listened to upbeat music. Hmmm.....I should try that some day. Not now. Some day.
I guess its insecurity. I wish it wasnt, but it is. It has to be. Am I going to fail? How badly am I going to fail? Was my fucking high school guidance counselor right? Should I have joined the Army and not gone to college? Was my dad right? Did it matter that I didnt know what I wanted to do with my life at 14, 15, 16? Hell, I didnt know what I wanted to do with my life at 24, 25, 26.
I dont know why I do what I do. I practice law because I like helping people. A friend of mine said I do God's work. I dont know about that. Maybe I do have a Napolean syndrome. Maybe growing up short made me want to show people I am some big tough guy. But Im not. I get that. Its not me. I can huff and puff with the best of them. Dont get me wrong. But I dont want to. I dont need to show someone that I have a bigger dick.
I am sensitive. I care. Its a fucking flaw in an attorney. I know that. Youre not supposed to care about your clients. Youre supposed to be a jackass who is cold and calculating and can show everyone what a smart guy you are. My problem: I aint that smart. Fuck, I was smart I wouldnt listen to the Commodores or Dan Fogelberg when I am not in a great mood. Well, maybe I am not a compete idiot since I did just change the music to Eminem. Yep, I admit it, I like white rappers. The guy may have other issues in life, but he can put together a song.
I guess we all have issues. I dont know what your issues are. I dont know that I need to know. Maybe its none of my business. I know I dont share my issues. 3, 4, 5 people maybe. Men in my family dont discuss our problems. I guess its my dad's fault or his dad's fault. Its just not what we do. We keep it inside.
So, I admit it, I keep things in me. And there are times they come out. Maybe its not the best time. I do know that I speak with passion when these things are inside me. I have been told by other attorneys it comes across as caring too much, being emotional. But is that so bad? Its me. Its how I am. I remember my closing argument in every case. Not word for word, but I do remember how they went. Every one of them had some emotion in it. Is that so bad?
Does this make me soft? Does it make me a wuss? I dont know. I leave that to other people. You only get one shot. Yes, I stole that from Eminem. It came on and it seemed to fit.
So, fine, lets say I am soft, or emotional or whatever? So what? Does that make me weak? Does it come across like you can bully me? I dont know. Maybe. I guess I have never cared enough about what other people think. I know who I am. I am the short bald guy who cares, thinks that there is actually good and evil in the world, and believes at the end of the day, if you do the right thing, you can fuck up quite a bit, but you still come out okay.
I also know I fight. A lot. I dont want to. I am more than happy to get along with everyone, resolve differences and move on with life. I like that. It makes my life so much easier. But fuck with me and try to bully me and I push back. I just do. Its how I am wired. Maybe its from growing up. Maybe its from not standing up for other people when I was growing up. Maybe its just that I really am a jackass. I dont know.
All I know is I am tired of people assuming that my caring, my emotion is a sign of weakness. I am sure its not. Its a sign of me. Its a sign that I am comfortable with who I am, what I am. I genuinely believe that people are good. I genuinely believe people should get a second chance. I genuinely believe that we all fuck up. You dont think you do? Really? I know my fuck ups can't be counted on one hand, two hands, or 100 hands. Hell, most of my first 16 years were screw ups. I accept that. Its my fault.
That doesnt make me a bad person. Someone I know recently admitted to making a mistake and didnt seem to be getting a second chance. Thats wrong. To err is human, right? Well, to err is human and to learn from your mistakes makes you a damn good person.
I guess I need some sort of end to this. Some sort of resolution. I dont think I have it. I think my resolution is this: I am going to go forward for the next 38 years (a man can hope, right?) and learn from the mistakes I have made over the last 38 years. I am not perfect. I am not a saint. I am a man, a flawed man. I will continue to make mistakes. I will continue to learn from them. I will NOT make the same mistake twice. I will continue to care. I will continue to believe people are good. I will continue to believe people should get a 2nd chance, a 3rd chance, even. I will continue to defend what I think is right, to do what I think is right, and to stick up for those who can't stand up for themselves. And if you continue to push me, to bully me, to try to take advantage of me, I will push back, hard. It may not always be the perfect response, but its how I am wired. Maybe that is the one mistake I wont learn from, but I dont see it as a mistake, I see it as me. While I will apologize when I am wrong, I will not apologize for being me.
So I sit here sad. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. I probably have the flu. I know I have stress. Tums tastes like crap. I have music playing, but idiot Jon decides it would be good to listen to depressing music. Yep, thats me. When you are sad, of course you should listen to sad music. What fucking kind of idiot am I? I dont know. Maybe I wouldnt be sad if I listened to upbeat music. Hmmm.....I should try that some day. Not now. Some day.
I guess its insecurity. I wish it wasnt, but it is. It has to be. Am I going to fail? How badly am I going to fail? Was my fucking high school guidance counselor right? Should I have joined the Army and not gone to college? Was my dad right? Did it matter that I didnt know what I wanted to do with my life at 14, 15, 16? Hell, I didnt know what I wanted to do with my life at 24, 25, 26.
I dont know why I do what I do. I practice law because I like helping people. A friend of mine said I do God's work. I dont know about that. Maybe I do have a Napolean syndrome. Maybe growing up short made me want to show people I am some big tough guy. But Im not. I get that. Its not me. I can huff and puff with the best of them. Dont get me wrong. But I dont want to. I dont need to show someone that I have a bigger dick.
I am sensitive. I care. Its a fucking flaw in an attorney. I know that. Youre not supposed to care about your clients. Youre supposed to be a jackass who is cold and calculating and can show everyone what a smart guy you are. My problem: I aint that smart. Fuck, I was smart I wouldnt listen to the Commodores or Dan Fogelberg when I am not in a great mood. Well, maybe I am not a compete idiot since I did just change the music to Eminem. Yep, I admit it, I like white rappers. The guy may have other issues in life, but he can put together a song.
I guess we all have issues. I dont know what your issues are. I dont know that I need to know. Maybe its none of my business. I know I dont share my issues. 3, 4, 5 people maybe. Men in my family dont discuss our problems. I guess its my dad's fault or his dad's fault. Its just not what we do. We keep it inside.
So, I admit it, I keep things in me. And there are times they come out. Maybe its not the best time. I do know that I speak with passion when these things are inside me. I have been told by other attorneys it comes across as caring too much, being emotional. But is that so bad? Its me. Its how I am. I remember my closing argument in every case. Not word for word, but I do remember how they went. Every one of them had some emotion in it. Is that so bad?
Does this make me soft? Does it make me a wuss? I dont know. I leave that to other people. You only get one shot. Yes, I stole that from Eminem. It came on and it seemed to fit.
So, fine, lets say I am soft, or emotional or whatever? So what? Does that make me weak? Does it come across like you can bully me? I dont know. Maybe. I guess I have never cared enough about what other people think. I know who I am. I am the short bald guy who cares, thinks that there is actually good and evil in the world, and believes at the end of the day, if you do the right thing, you can fuck up quite a bit, but you still come out okay.
I also know I fight. A lot. I dont want to. I am more than happy to get along with everyone, resolve differences and move on with life. I like that. It makes my life so much easier. But fuck with me and try to bully me and I push back. I just do. Its how I am wired. Maybe its from growing up. Maybe its from not standing up for other people when I was growing up. Maybe its just that I really am a jackass. I dont know.
All I know is I am tired of people assuming that my caring, my emotion is a sign of weakness. I am sure its not. Its a sign of me. Its a sign that I am comfortable with who I am, what I am. I genuinely believe that people are good. I genuinely believe people should get a second chance. I genuinely believe that we all fuck up. You dont think you do? Really? I know my fuck ups can't be counted on one hand, two hands, or 100 hands. Hell, most of my first 16 years were screw ups. I accept that. Its my fault.
That doesnt make me a bad person. Someone I know recently admitted to making a mistake and didnt seem to be getting a second chance. Thats wrong. To err is human, right? Well, to err is human and to learn from your mistakes makes you a damn good person.
I guess I need some sort of end to this. Some sort of resolution. I dont think I have it. I think my resolution is this: I am going to go forward for the next 38 years (a man can hope, right?) and learn from the mistakes I have made over the last 38 years. I am not perfect. I am not a saint. I am a man, a flawed man. I will continue to make mistakes. I will continue to learn from them. I will NOT make the same mistake twice. I will continue to care. I will continue to believe people are good. I will continue to believe people should get a 2nd chance, a 3rd chance, even. I will continue to defend what I think is right, to do what I think is right, and to stick up for those who can't stand up for themselves. And if you continue to push me, to bully me, to try to take advantage of me, I will push back, hard. It may not always be the perfect response, but its how I am wired. Maybe that is the one mistake I wont learn from, but I dont see it as a mistake, I see it as me. While I will apologize when I am wrong, I will not apologize for being me.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Mental Illness and Idiots
Dear Grant Napear:
You are an idiot. Not just any idiot, a fucking dumbass idiot. You talk without knowing anything. You seem to think you are smart, which makes you even dumber. I am pretty sure Patrick "We make a lot of money, but we spend a lot of money" Ewing is smarter than you.
So, on tonight's "show" and I use that word loosely, Dumbass was talking about Brandon Marshall. Now, Brandon Marshall plays in the National Football League. He plays wide receiver for the Miami Dolphins. To borrow from the basketball players, dude can ball. But, he has had some issues. Turns out, he is suffering from borderline personality disorder. What is that? Good question. NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, describes it here: http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness&Template=/TaggedPage/TaggedPageDisplay.cfm&TPLID=54&ContentID=44780
So Brandon Marshall made a comment tonight. From ESPN:
You are an idiot. Not just any idiot, a fucking dumbass idiot. You talk without knowing anything. You seem to think you are smart, which makes you even dumber. I am pretty sure Patrick "We make a lot of money, but we spend a lot of money" Ewing is smarter than you.
So, on tonight's "show" and I use that word loosely, Dumbass was talking about Brandon Marshall. Now, Brandon Marshall plays in the National Football League. He plays wide receiver for the Miami Dolphins. To borrow from the basketball players, dude can ball. But, he has had some issues. Turns out, he is suffering from borderline personality disorder. What is that? Good question. NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, describes it here: http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness&Template=/TaggedPage/TaggedPageDisplay.cfm&TPLID=54&ContentID=44780
So Brandon Marshall made a comment tonight. From ESPN:
"I'm not joking. I'm serious," Marshall told the South Florida Sun Sentinel. "They're going to fine me. It's probably going to be like a $50,000 fine. But that quarter and a half that I'm out there, I'm going to play like a monster.
"I might get in a fight with Bart Scott. (Antonio) Cromartie, we pretty much matured our relationship and grew a little bit. We used to fight in Denver and San Diego. If that happens, it happens, so we'll see."
So dude is saying he is going to get in a fight and is going to get kicked out of the game. Not the best thing to say. He is part of a team. It takes all 11 of them to win. That's kind of how team sports work. And if you want to win, you play as a team. I think we all know that. Brandon Marshall getting thrown out would not be a good thing for his team.
Now that you have the background, Douche-pear, er, Napear, gets on his "Grant's Rants," which is just a poor ripoff of Jim Rome's entire show, and goes on and on about how Marshall is an idiot and dumb. So I sent a text explaining Marshall has a mental illness and this idiot reads it and then says that if its true (and its a FUCKING FACT that anyone who knows about sports knows) then maybe Marshall shouldn't be playing in the NFL.
Whoaa Nellie............because someone has a mental illness they shouldn't be allowed to play professional sports? Let me guess, they shouldn't be lawyers or doctors or construction workers or anything else, right? Is this the 1930s? Should we put people with mental illness in rooms with padded walls?
Lets analyze this for a minute. Is having a mental illness different than being a minority of any other kind? Is it any different than being black, brown, yellow, red or blue? Is it different than being gay? Is it different than being a woman? Do we really think that these things are any different than having a mental illness? Do we think Brandon Marshall or anyone else with a mental illness has chosen to have it? These folks do not wake up one day and say "Gosh, I wish I was bipolar today." Or, "Hmmm......being OCD sounds like a good plan for this week." You are born with mental illness.
We don't limit what other people can do. If Brandon Marshall can play in the NFL with mental illness, then hats off to him. Dude should be a role model. You, too, can have a mental illness and still be at the pinnacle of your profession. There are 32 NFL teams. Each one has 5 receivers, maybe. So this guy is one of the best 150 in the WORLD at what he does. And he does it while fighting something that most of us can never understand. We are going to say he shouldnt do that? We are going to say he is dumb or an idiot? I am not going to.
I don't get it. I really dont. Why does some local, full of crap radio DJ, and he is a DJ, a glorified sit around and talk to yourself DJ, think its okay to call this guy names? I mean, if we are going to think snaps is how we want to deal with this, then I say we start with piece of crap local DJs. For example, Napear is so dumb that he can't figure out how to pronounce his own fucking name. It used to be "Na-pee-ar." Now it is "Na-peer." No, dude, you are so bad, you don't have any peers. Go back to Na-pee-ar. Actually, drop the Na and the ar and you are at the right spot. After all, you say some of the dumbest shit I have heard in my adult life and you get paid for it. I am still trying to figure out why.
You know, I used to look at people with mental illness and shake my head. Then, I became a father to a kid with mental illness. I actually had to grow up and stop pretending I was smarter than everyone else. It hit me - life is hard for some people. My kid says things that don't make sense. He says things that make me cringe sometimes. But he doesnt know better. His brain doesn't work like ours. I get that now. Its not because he is dumb, an idiot or needs someone to tell him what to say. Its because he is himself. I wouldnt trade him for the world. I sure as hell wouldnt trade him for some piece of shit New Yorker who still thinks its the 1950s and doesnt understand modern society - and that New Yorker's fake attitudes disappeared 10 years ago.
We can only hope that one day this loudmouth, no good, glorified DJ will grow up, get some stones, and learn about things before he starts running his horse mouth. Maybe he should grow up and stop being such a whining douche.
Or, as is more likely, he probably will continue his stupid show and make his dumb comments because his bosses don't have the balls to call him out and stand up for those people who can't stand up for themselves. Wusses!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
A dragon lives forever
but not so little boys. If you don't understand, go watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qu_rItLPTXc Even if you do understand, go watch that.
I know. I know. Its a song about drugs. Or so everyone says. Paper is rolling paper for joints. Dragon doesnt mean dragon - it means dragging on a joint. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Save it. I havent believed that in the last 30 years and you arent going to convince me now.
Ironic, isnt it? A song about the loss of innocence and here I stand trying to believe in the song's actual meaning. Maybe if I lose my belief in Puff and its meaning, then I lose something too. I dont know. Maybe, and there is strong evidence to support this, I am a fucking idiot. I am pretty sure you can find half a dozen people who agree with that. Or half a million.
I dont know. I hold these truths to be self evident: people are good; people try; people care; good beats evil; truth prevails over lies; good people make mistakes; people can change; people deserve a second chance, and sometimes a third.
I also know Everlast was right: I've seen a rich man beg/I've seen a good man sin/I've seen a tough man cry/I've seen a loser win/And a sad man grin/I heard an honest man lie/I've seen the good side of bad/And the down side of up/And everything between
Sometimes we think that life can only have heartbreak. It can have pain. It can suck. But I think we forget about Puff. Puff enjoyed life because he frolicked. When is the last time we frolicked? Thankfully, I frolicked last night with my baby. Fine, shes my toddler. She is always going to be my baby.
One day, for each of us, Jackie Paper has to grow up. But not now. At least, I hope not now.
I know. I know. Its a song about drugs. Or so everyone says. Paper is rolling paper for joints. Dragon doesnt mean dragon - it means dragging on a joint. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Save it. I havent believed that in the last 30 years and you arent going to convince me now.
Ironic, isnt it? A song about the loss of innocence and here I stand trying to believe in the song's actual meaning. Maybe if I lose my belief in Puff and its meaning, then I lose something too. I dont know. Maybe, and there is strong evidence to support this, I am a fucking idiot. I am pretty sure you can find half a dozen people who agree with that. Or half a million.
I dont know. I hold these truths to be self evident: people are good; people try; people care; good beats evil; truth prevails over lies; good people make mistakes; people can change; people deserve a second chance, and sometimes a third.
I also know Everlast was right: I've seen a rich man beg/I've seen a good man sin/I've seen a tough man cry/I've seen a loser win/And a sad man grin/I heard an honest man lie/I've seen the good side of bad/And the down side of up/And everything between
Sometimes we think that life can only have heartbreak. It can have pain. It can suck. But I think we forget about Puff. Puff enjoyed life because he frolicked. When is the last time we frolicked? Thankfully, I frolicked last night with my baby. Fine, shes my toddler. She is always going to be my baby.
One day, for each of us, Jackie Paper has to grow up. But not now. At least, I hope not now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)