Being a father

So tonight was an interesting night. We did some cleaning up of the house. It made me think and that is always a bad thing.

I found a tin that Tyler made. He was probably 4 when he made it. That big smile of his and him sitting on his Sit-N-Spin and spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning until I was dizzy watching him. Neither one of us could throw it away. He probably doesnt remember making it. I sure as heck dont remember him making it.

But there was no way we could get rid of it. Its Tyler and right now we hold on to everything Tyler we can. I guess that is what you do when you can't physically hold on to him. I guess this is the next best thing. Kind of. I dont really know. It sucks.

Then I think back to my childhood. I dont know what my dad held onto. Probably nothing. He was gone more than he was home for the first 14 years of my life. By the time he was home, he needed more help than he had ever needed. Yes, he taught me soccer. He passed that love to me. But where was he when I needed him? Where was he when we had family life or whatever nonsense they called it back then? I never got that talk from him because he wasnt there.

Now, I am a dad. Kyle is 10 and its time for that talk. I dont have that experience to look back to and he isnt here now for me to ask him "Hey dad, how would you handle this?" But I dont get that. So I am stuck having to make crap up. I dont know what to say. I guess its not the biggest problem in the world.

I look at my kids and I realize choices I have made as a father are a direct result of my dad. I yell too much. I know. But he yelled. I have vivid memories of that. I also have vivid memories of the belt and of my mom saying "Wait until your father gets home." That is when you knew you went too far. Of course, sometimes that wasnt for a week or two so things had time to settle down. Sometimes mom called dad on his trip to tell him. First time I dropped fuck at home she called him. That was a bad call. And I know I shouldnt yell, but I get upset and I channel my dad. Bad? I dont know. It is what it is.

But I also see that I have made other choices. He made the choices he made based on his childhood. He grew up and things were tight. He put himself through school. He then took jobs that allowed him to provide for his family the way he thought he should. And if that meant he was around as much, then so be it. It was the right choice for him.

I have consciously made choices to be home for my kids. I want to be there everyday to talk to them about school or life or chores or whatever. I want to be involved so I pick them up at school. I am fortunate that I have the flexibility to do that. But I know I worked hard to get to the point where I could have that flexibility.

So here I am. 38 years old. A father of 4, even though sometimes it feels like 3. Of course, some days it feels like 14. I laugh, I cry, I try, I fail, I succeed. I just wish I felt like those successes were more often than those failures. I wish I could be more like my dad, but less like my dad.

I know he let me try things that I thought I might like. I play a mean game of street hockey because of it. So, I try to let my kids do things like Boy Scouts or dancing or ice skating that I don't do or didn't do so that they can have those experiences. I think its part of my job as a dad.

I just wish he was here to help me figure this out. There is no manual. There can't be a manual. You cant possibly know whats in store for you the first time you hear that you are going to be a father. You cant know the second time, the third time or the fourth time either. Hell, I was pretty sure I would only have two kids. Then I was really sure I would have 3 kids. Four kids? Thats just idiotic.

But I wouldnt change it for the world. Each kid is different. Each kid is special. Each kid is unique. Each kid is a challenge. I just think sometimes being a dad is underrated. I think its underappreciated. And I think I wouldnt change it for the world. I just wish it was easier, that I had my dad to lean on during these hard times and that someone could tell me just once that these crappy decisions we have to make as a father are the right decisions no matter how much they hurt.

I became a father before I became a man. I know that. My hope is that my boys will learn from me and be better fathers than I am. My hope is that when they are 38, fathers, husbands, men, they will look back like I am tonight and realize that I made mistakes like my dad before me, that I loved them like my dad loved me, that I tried my best like my dad tried his best, and that they will love me like I love my dad.