Lawyers blow. And that is being nice. Yes, I can say that. I am one. Just so we are clear, this is one of my first posts: http://randomrants08.blogspot.com/2009/03/larry-bodine-is-marketing-goon.html Read it. Laugh. Its still freaking funny.
What the hell is wrong with lawyers? I blog. They BLAWG. I flog someone. They FLAWG. I call them a douche bawg? Yes, that is a douche bag lawyer. What is a douche bag lawyer?
Lets start with any lawyer who insists on "telephoning" me instead of just picking up the phone and CALLING ME. Are you getting paid by the syllable? Seriously. There is no reason to use telephoning as a verb. Its a noun. Its a fucking telephone. If you have to use a 25 cent word, oh wait, that makes me seem like I am 68, there has been inflation. If you have to use a dollar word when a twenty five cent word will do, you are a douche bawg lawyer.
You are a douche bawg if you add an extra letter. I dont care if you were born north of the border. I dont care if you are the Queen's son. Its honor, not honour. Its humor, not humour. You do not have to add letters to sound intelligent. Do you want to know how to sound intelligent? Speak like you are an actual, live, human being. Speak like you know how to carry on a conversation with the guy next door, around the corner or standing on the street corner. That piece of paper in that ridiculously expensive frame doesn't mean you are too good to talk to someone. Adding extra letters when you are writing, or using that lame fake accent, just makes you sound like an idiot. Or, in my world, you are a douche bawg.
If you think you write a blawg and not a blog, you are a douche bawg. Its a blog. I dont know what it stands for, but its not a blawg. You are not special. Go tell Jane Smith you write a blawg. Seriously, send her an email and watch her laugh so hard she pees her pants. You sound pretentious. No wait, you sound worse than pretentious. You sound like my wills and trusts professor who was calling on poor Jesus and kept pronouncing it "Jee-zuhs." His name was not Jesus, and you do not write a blawg. Freaking idiots.
You might be a douce bawg, if you think attorney marketing is the end of the world. Its not. People need to know about us. And if we cant tell them we exist, then they may never know their options. Sorry. You arent going to convince me the world is a worse place because consumers can find out they have options. You are going to convince me that you are an idiot if you think marketing is bad. So let me get this right: cigarette manufacturers could advertise for year, alcohol manufacturers can advertise, but I can't tell people what services I offer? Seriously, did you smoke too much Mary Jane last night? Or are you just that full of yourself, douche bawg?
You are also a douche bawg, if you think I have to work at a big law firm to be a good attorney. I dont care if you have 80 attorneys, 800 attorneys or are .8 of an attorney. What matters is how you treat your clients, how you treat your fellow attorneys and what kind of human being you are. If the first thing you tell someone is "I am an attorney" you are also a douche bawg. It is not a reflection of who you are, but it is what you do. And if what you do is so important that you need to work at a big firm to think you are cool, then great. But you are a douche bawg.
Fuck, I am so tired of attorneys who think they are so freaking cool. Its a job. Its a job you may get paid well to do. But you still put on your pants one leg at a time. You still drink and eat and shit and everything else the rest of civilization does. Dont think you are so special that the world should bend down and kiss your oversized, stinky feet. You are not that special. You are not that cool. And I am so tired of you thinking you are. Its my job from 8 to 5. Its what I do. I like helping people. But stop thinking you are sooo special. Oh, and Mr. I just graduated from law school, no you do not have offices in 4 states and no you are not nationally known. You are some piece of crap who thinks its fine to not grant extensions to other attorneys, not show professional courtesy and not understand when I am done kicking your scrawny ass, that you are still worthless until you realize that this has no bearing on how the world sees you.
Am I clear? Of course, after writing this, I realize that none of the douche bawgs will actually read this. Damnit.
What the hell is wrong with these people? Blawg? Flawg? How abouy douche bawg? Yes, that is a douche bag lawyer who thinks
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