For you, amigo

I am writing this for a friend. To a friend. Friend? I think so. I have known him for 8 years. He has been a friend, a mentor, an ear to listen to me vent, rant, or whine. He has been there for me when to answer questions, provide advice and be an all around good guy. Yet, in 8 years, I have never shook his hand, never bought him a drink (although I did send him lawyers breath once - no, not mine, but the hot sauce), never shared a meal. And, despite this, I think he is a better friend than a lot of people I know. We have grown to know each other through phone calls, emails and inside jokes that sometimes get others annoyed.

And now, in his time need, I feel like I can't be there for him. His wife is dying. Cancer. It sucks. It sucks a lot. Its the worst thing I can think of. I know, Alzheimers robs you of memories. Parkinsons blows. Cancer though makes people WANT to die. Can you imagine wanting to die? I can't. I just know that it sucks like nothing else.

So, its his time of need. He is hurting. I can tell. I havent talked to him in a month. I know he has other things on his mind - more important things. I dont really have anything to talk about - just getting caught up. And he is dealing with his wife, her cancer, and cancer sucking the life out of her. What the fuck?

I want to go buy him a beer. I want to drive over there and buy him some dinner, shoot the shit, as they say, and just tell him it will be okay. It will be okay, amigo. I know it will be. It doesnt feel like it right now. But it will be. This part sucks. The next few days, weeks and months will suck. I know. I am sorry. I wish I could make it better.

Fuck, I practice law SOLELY to try to help people. That is my sole motivation. And now, when a friend needs help, all I can offer is "I am sorry." Its not enough. It cant be enough. It doesnt make it better. It doesnt heal the pain. It doesnt make the fucking cancer go away.

But, I guess it has to be enough. Because I can either say I am sorry and offer to be there for him when, if, he needs to talk or I can do nothing. Nothing just isnt an option. Never has been, never will be. I dont sit and do nothing for a friend in need.

So, friend, I am sorry. I know this hurts like nothing else. I cant imagine it. I can only let you know I am here for you if you need to talk, if you need a cold beer, I am here for you.

And, while I know you are not religious, maybe this will give you some peace, as I know it has me over the last 10 months:

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

May the Lord make his face to shine upon you,
and be gracious to you.

May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you,
and give you peace.