Okay, fine, dufus may not be politically correct. Idiot? Moron? Douchebag of epic proportions? Loser? Fool? Pick your term. Let me set the stage.............
Its May, 2013. Our hero is sitting in his office trying to work.......or trying to make it look like he is working. Either way, there is work being done. He sits alone. The office is quiet save for the really crappy music he listens to, for which he is mocked. The phone rings.
Our hero looks at the caller ID. It shows "541-200-3342." He thinks "Not this nonsense again." He contemplates pressing the reject button on his phone and letting it go to voice mail for the 1,024 time since March. But, since he isn't a huge fan of powers of 2 (do the math!), he answers it. After all, it can't be any worse than the 128 debt collectors who have been robodialing his office.
"This is Jonathan," he says with a smirk. "Hello Johnnie," says a voice that sounds like a bad Koothrappali imitation. "This is Jonathan," our hero says more sarcastically. "Hey Johnnie, this is Michael at Road to Recovery." Road to Recovery? Our hero is pretty sure he is not an alcoholic. Besides, alcoholism isn't funny. It isn't. Ever. Seriously.
"What can I help you with?" he asks. "Johnnie, do you have any payday loans?" asks the poorly spoken fraudster. "Sure," says Jonathan. "And how many do you have?" "Oh, um, 6."
Okay, so our great hero has no payday loans, but what the heck? It can't hurt to play along.
"And how much are these loans for, excluding late fees?" asks a guy who sounds like Wolowitz's bestie. "$4,000," is the sharp reply. "And are these storefront loans or online loans, Johnnie?" "Oh, storefront loans, of course."
"Great, Johnnie. We can help you consolidate your loans so you can save money." Apparently, Sheldon's bad dream hasn't realized that Jonathan is not Johnnie, but why should that stop a scam from happening? "Please hold while I connect you to the representative."
Jonathan sits on hold for about 10 seconds. A 2nd representative picks up the phone. This woman sounds like she hit the helium before picking up the phone.
"Johnnie, I understand you want to consolidate your payday loans," she starts. What she doesn't realize is that will be the last full sentence she gets out on this call.
"Help me," he says. "Help me. I need to bury the body. What are we going to do with the body?" he asks.
"What, what are............" she stammers. "The body. The dead body. I need to hide the body," Jonathan says a bit louder. "Sir, what........." she starts, but can't finish because Jonathan says "The dead body. He told me you would tell me where to hide the body. I need to hide this body."
"We can't do that............." "He told me you could. He said you would help me. What am I supposed to do with this body? I need to hide it."
"I think we should call............" is quietly heard before our hero starts in on her again. "The body. Help me hide the body. You people are useless. I need to hide the bod..................."
The call goes silent. Apparently, she couldn't help hide the body. She ended the call, her face whiter than Casper as she believed that "Johnnie" had a body to hide.
In the office, Jonathan is laughing to himself. He would laugh with someone else, but, not surprisingly, he is alone, having scared off any potential coworkers with his brusque and confrontational style coupled with his bizarre sense of humor.
Road to Recovery continues the calls...................but the body is still waiting to be hidden....................
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment