Three stories about the legal profession

So, I thought I would share three stories about the legal profession. I think these stories illustrate why people hate lawyers and why being a lawyer isn't all that you think it is. In fact, sometimes it just flat out sucks! How should I do this? Worst to best? Order of how they occurred? Just however it comes out? I vote for the last one. That's how I blog - whatever happens to be said. If you haven't figured that out by now, you are a new reader.

DB #1 - The piss ant paralegal. There are two kinds of paralegals in this world - the good ones and the bad ones. Its really quite simple. I know a couple of good ones. Some are really good. But the bad ones - really bad. And one characteristic of a bad paralegal - they want to be an attorney. They act like an attorney, they talk like an attorney, they think their s*** don't stink like some attorneys. Well, actually, they try to act like an attorney, they try to talk like an attorney and they do think their s*** don't stink like an attorney. You all know this type of person. There is one in every profession.

So little piss any paralegal, Eric or Bill or something like that, no wait, its Eric, calls me up. He wants to talk about a case where his firm did something that is unethical. I explain to him why it was unethical and go through the facts. Now look, I get that sometime there is a disagreement about facts. My client thinks he has a green light and the other party thinks he has a green light. Obviously, both don't have a green light at the same time. But, that is up for discussion. The three letters that Erica sent me (yes, I just called him a woman, problem with that?) that he signed are not up for discussion. His signature is on it. After I lay this out for him, and its all in writing, he says to me, and this is a direct quote, "I am not going to admit to anything." Dude, this isn't admitting to anything. I have your f-ing signature on it. I am not asking you to admit it - I am stating it as a fact. This is not a trial. You are not on the witness stand. However, your statements make me realize that: a) you are a liar, b) you are a sack of flaming poo that someone stepped on after answering their doorbell and c) you should be waterboarded. But, hey, dude, keep it up. I am sure you get far in life by being a no good lying SOB who probably got forced to wash the football team's jock straps after games.

DB #2 - The one eyed lawyer. Okay, so dude may have two eyes, but only one works. And that is even up for debate. I understand neither one works. No, he doesn't have a lazy eye. He has no eye. None. Its like wood or metal or whatever they make fake eyes out of. And those of you who know me really well, no it takes a lot for me to make eye jokes about a guy. I would think if you had one eye, you would be a bit less of a turd. But, no, it turns out one eyed guys are big turds too. Maybe even bigger.

This guy apparently didn't like my contacting him by email. Of course, he never returned my 6 calls or responded to my two faxes. His "call center" said he was never in. I smell a tangent coming. If you run a small business, and by small I mean you are the only employee, you should not have a "call center." If you are going to use an answering service, how about if they just answer the phones "Law Office of Ritr Pesner" and then they tell people you are not in. Easy enough? Anyway, dude sends me a disparaging email and then says he will not communicate with me anymore. Really? What are we, like 5th graders? "I am not talking to you anymore." The difference is that in 5th grade, I would go tell the teacher. Now I will just sue your deadbeat clients. So, it will end up costing them money because you are a moronic idiot. This is a good reason people hate attorneys: some of us are sophomoric pantywastes.

DB #3 - If you are a friend on Facebook or if you have been lucky enough, and I mean that sarcastically, to have me call you in the last 48 hours, you have heard this story. This lady is so ugly that she makes Medusa look like the prom queen. No wait, she is so ugly she makes Susan Boyle looks like Cameron Diaz from a few years ago. You know, when Cameron Diaz was hot. Really hot. So, ugly attorney lady apparently has no social skills. Someone told me that you can't be a b*tch if you are ugly. Apparently, this lady didn't get the message.

So, Thursday my son had to be rushed to the ER. He ended up having an emergency appendectomy. He is still recovering. But, I had a client call me and tell me she needed an answer filed in a case on Thursday. I couldn't do it as I was at the ER. So, I call the attorney and ask for an extension. She tells me no. I explain that I am at the hospital and my son is about to have surgery. And she still tells me no. WTF? My kid is in the hospital and you won't give me an extension of a few days. Not can't, but won't. You are choosing not to. Fine. Do you know what that makes you? That makes you a bleeper bleeper piece of bleep who should be taken out back and smacked until your bleeping attitude changes you worthless bleeper. Or, it makes you the most vile human being I know and a person who thinks that by having a law degree, you need to enforce the law regardless of the circumstances. You are a sad, pathetic excuse for an attorney, no wait, a sad, pathetic excuse for a person. You should have your insides ripped out while you are awake. You should never be able to reproduce. You should have to watch as your most prized possession is cut up and glued back together, you worthless b*tch.

Wheh. I feel better. Oh, and DB stands for douchebag. But you knew that. Now I am going to spend more time with my son and stop dealing with people who have absolutely no clue about how to be a human being, much less a legal professional.

An Open Letter to Alyson Huber

Look, I know it must be hard being in the legislature. You have to collect your per diem. You have to raise money so you can be re-elected. You have to go to fundraisers and talk to people. You have to collect money from different special interest groups and make sure none of the groups are affiliated with terrorists.

But you also have a job. You have to pass a budget. No wait, that didn't happen properly and is based on faulty assumptions. Sorry. Selling State Compensation Insurance Fund was about as good an idea as say selling access to Assemblymembers. That wouldn't happen. No. Never. You can't make a donation and then be able to talk to an assemblymember. Never. I don't believe it. So, in addition to passing the budget, you have to deal with the water crisis. No wait. That isn't done either. You have to deal with prison overcrowding. Yes. You have an idea. Let's just release 40,000 prisoners. That is a good idea. And there are no public safety issues with that. None. It is a perfect idea - if you are leaving in Simsville.

Instead, you vote on bils without any knowledge. I don't want to beat a dead Michael Jackson, er, horse (is it okay to still make fun of him now that it has been ruled a homicide? or, should I make fun of him more because he was more doped up than Chris Farley?), but let me talk about some recent votes by Huber. You know what, she probably calls herself Attorney Huber or Dr. Huber. We all know those attorneys who do that: "I have a JD degree so you should call me Doctor." Does that mean people who get a BS should be called "Bulls**t Jones?" Just wondering.

Anyway, Huber writes me a letter after I call her office and email her. She thanked me for the emails. Apparently, not for the calls, but only the emails. I guess she would prefer that people not bother her busy staff. After all, it takes a lot of work to organize fundraisers and figure out which conman, er, lobbyist is going to take her to dinner that night. Maybe they have to go get pedicures while their boss sits around not doing her job. I don't know. But, I only got thanked for the emails. Maybe the staff's writing is so bad Huber couldn't read my name. Here is a hint: I am the one who called and wanted to actually get answers but couldn't!

So, she thanks me and tells me she voted for AB 764 because "In some cases, there are individuals who exploit those at their lowest point through exorbitant loan modification fees when in reality, successful loan modifications are completed for free through HUD-certified counseling agencies and lenders." Now those of you who know me personally will know that this sentence and me don't get along for a few reasons.

First, I don't know about the rest of you, but I learned not to use a 25 cent word when a 5 cent word will work. I had to go look up exorbitant. But I was just a state school graduate. It means excessive or extreme. Apparently, when you are voted into public office, you decide to use four syllable words instead of two syllable words. I don't know. Maybe she was trying to confuse me. After all, clearly I ain't that bright.

Second, that is one long sentence. I mean, she puts together like 35 words. 35? I think most of my sentences have five words - maybe ten. One time, at band camp (laugh, that's funny), I put it together with.........I mean I had a sentence with thirteen words. But, 35? Really? Break out some shorter sentences with some active verbs. Look at me - I may have learned something in English class!

Third, successful loan modifications for free from HUD agencies and lenders? Really? Does Huber read the newspaper? Any newspaper? How about my blog? How about any blog? Does she even read? Well, does she read anything in English that carries news? Did she miss the big story that less than 10% of all qualified homeowners have received a loan modification? Was she sleeping that day? Did her staff not alert her to that story? Oh, and the two biggest lenders in California - B of A and Wells Fargo - have done 6% and 4%, respectively. But you go with this ridiculous concept that people are getting them done for free. Next she is going to tell me that criminal defendants always receive a fair trial and no one is on death row mistakenly. Yes, and OJ is really innocent.

I am not asking for much. I am telling you that you aren't getting my vote next time. But, is it that hard to do some independent research before you vote on a bill? Especially a bill that would criminalize behavior when we have no room in our prisons anyway. Stop listening to the streetwalkers who pay you money so you can be re-elected again. Stop listening to folks who want you to vote "their way." Start listening to your constituents and learning the facts. Start doing some homework. Stop being such a ridiculous Lemming who does whatever Karen "I should be fired" Bass tells you to do.

By the way, she signs her letter "Sorry I wasn't able to call you personally." Don't apologize unless you mean it. Don't tell me you are sorry unless you really are sorry. If you don't mean it, don't say it. I am fine with you not calling me back. It decreases the chances I will pick up a disease. Isn't the rule that if A kisses B and then B kisses C that C has kissed A? Doesn't this work for legislators as well? If legislator A talks to disgusting voter buyer B and then legislator A talks to constituent C that C has talked to B and can pick up whatever B had? YUCK! I don't need to pass that on.

Responsibility and Weenies

Okay, I do not mean like Liberty Mutual. "When people do it, its called responsibility. When an insurance company does it, its Liberty Mutual." No, its not. Its called marketing. You are marketing your company. You want people to see you as compassionate and great. You want them to pay you money. And, Liberty Mutual is not compassionate. They do not go to great lengths to help anyone.

Their claims are handled by people who generally cannot put out a full paragraph of thought. Seriously, I received a letter from one of their adjusters that was two sentences. Incomplete sentences. No verb. How do you consider that responsible? Responsible would be hiring people who understand proper usage of the English language. I am pretty sure my high school English teacher (who probably is smart enough not to read this) taught me how to write a complete sentence. It is not that hard.

If you want responsible, try paying claims in a timely manner. How about this: when someone is rear ended, do not deny liability for the accident? If you refuse to settle the claim, when you receive a request for admission that says "Admit the front of Defendant's car struck the rear of Plaintiff's car" respond by saying "Admit" instead of "Defendant cannot admit nor deny." You can - you choose not to. That is not responsible. It is a decision. And I am fine with it, but then don't tell people how responsible you are. That is called hypocritical.

Sorry. That was a long tangent. I really didn't mean to go there. It just happens sometimes.

Responsibility means that you are open and honest. You take a position and you stand by it. You don't run and hide. At least, that is what it means in the context of this post. Look, if you run an organization, be it a non-profit, a corporation, or your local homeowners crazy group, er, association, you are sometimes forced to make a decision. It happens. That is why you are the leader. You make the decision and you stand by it. Some people won't like it. But when they don't, you defend your position.

It really isn't that hard. Lets say you decide not to publicly oppose bad legislation. When someone says "Why didn't you oppose it?" you say "We didn't oppose it because................" I don't really care what comes after the because. It could be "because we are lame arses who couldn't understand the impact of the legislation." It could be "because we aren't smart enough to figure out the legislation." It could be "because we wussed out." It could be "because we don't want to upset someone else."

You see, the reason is less important than the fact that you stand by your position. Let me give you a real life situation. In the 80s, there was the Tylenol scare. Those of you too young to remember should google it. Johnson and Johnson pulled all Tylenol off the store shelves. People thought it was a dumb move and questioned it. And the response was simple: "We did this because we thought it was the right thing to do." Voila - problem solved. Tylenol sales shot up after it was back on the market.

You see, they explained it. It may not have been the world's most eloquent defending of a decision. It may not have even been the right decision. But they made a decision, stood by it and defended it. Now that example is used in business schools around the country as a case study.

However, other people, sit by and refuse to explain their decisions. I guess that's fine if you are a weenie. Seriously. Its like the little kid who is losing in the neighborhood football game so says "I am taking my ball and going home." That kid is a weenie. Admit it - that is what you called him growing up. Those weenies grow up to be today's weenies. And today's weenies do the same thing.

"I decided not to do x." So, why did you decide not to do x? "I am not saying." Really? That is your best comeback. Its like saying "I am rubber. You are glue. Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks on you." Seriously, it is like playing a game of Snaps and using "Yo mama so ugly she don't wear a Halloween costume." Seriously. Its lame. (By the way, try this: Yo mama so ugly she makes Michael Jackson look like George Clooney or try this: Yo mama so white she makes Michael Jackson look like he did in the 80s or try this: Yo mama so hairy she makes a poodle look bald.)

If you want to play with the big boys, you explain yourself. Plain and simple. You don't want to explain yourself? Then go teach law school. By yourself. At some place like Lorenzo Patino School of Law (bar passage rate: -15%. Yes, they actually have more students fail than graduate). Until you are ready to do that, you aren't ready to lead a troupe of Brownies.

Party City

Party City hits me as the kind of place Bill and Ted would visit. You know, the folks with the Excellent Adventure, followed by the Bogus Adventure. Wasn't Keanu Reeves in the movie? He couldn't act back then. Still can't.

Maybe Party City is where the "420" people go. Okay, am I the only one who thinks that calling it 420 is dumb. First, everyone knows what you are talking about. Its not a secret or a code or anything. Second, just say the word - pot. There, that wasn't so hard. In fact, its shorter which is a good thing for you potheads who sometimes have trouble putting together multiple syllables.

Anyway, Party City is also a place in my town that sells party supplies. We had a little baby shower on Saturday. It was done nicely by my wife's friend. Well, I have been told. I didn't attend the shower. But, that's another story. So, I offered to order the balloons and pick them up. We needed 24 pink balloons. Not that hard. Pink balloons and pink strings. How hard can this be?

So, I call Party City but they don't take orders over the phone or over the internet. Are they stuck in the 1990s? Seriously. No internet orders? No phone orders? For balloon. Sheesh!

I drive over there and I am in line behind two guys who look to be 18 or so. One guy has on a white t-shirt, a silver vest and a matching silver driver's hat. They wanted to order a balloon, apparently for some girl. So, the conversation goes like this, and I swear I am not making it up:

Guy 1: I want the hot dog.
Guy 2: The hot dog?
Guy 1: Yes, I want the hot dog.
Guy 2: Why do you want the hot dog?
Guy 1: I like the hot dog.

(Notice the lack of the word balloon in the conversation. Dude apparently wanted the hot dog. What is the hot dog? Don't even go there. I already did and it was funny. But it goes on:)

Employee: We don't have the hot dog balloon.
Guy 1: Oh. What do you have?
Employee: Almost anything else. What's the occasion?
Guy 1: I want to impress a girl. And I know the way to a girl's heart.

(Really? A girl's heart? Dude, you want us to believe that. He hasn't met a girl's heart he was wanted in his life. Nor will he. There is nothing wrong with that, but just be honest about it.)

Employee: How about something else?
Guy 1: How about the tank?
Employee: The tank?
Guy 1: She will like it.
Guy 2: Really, the tank?
Guy 1: Oh yeah. She will think its sweet.

(Sweet. A tank? Are you high? A tank might be sweet for a woman in the US Army where she can be all that she can be, but to an 18 year old girl I don't think its sweet. But that's just me.)

So, finally its my turn. I go up and ask for 24 pink latex balloons. The girl tells me I need to get the balloons out of the little containers under the counter. Of course, the containers are labeled, but people mix them up. So there is pink and red and peach and some with a design on them. But, being smart like that, I could find the pink ones and count them out. 1, 2, 3, 4.................. You get the idea.

I put the balloons on the counter and give them to the girl. She looks for an order form. She can't find one. She asks someone else for an order form. That person doesn't have them either. Really, how hard is this? Its an order form! So, she decides to write it down on a little notepad piece of paper.

She asks for my name, address, phone number and pick up time. Easy enough, right? This should have been my first sign that I went to Party Ghetto and not Party City. She puts all 24 balloons in a ziploc bag. No, not a bag that zips closed, but the bag actually said ZIPLOC on it. She then takes the little notepad paper and puts it IN THE ZIPLOC BAG! This does not inspire confidence.

Then it gets worse. She takes said ziploc bag and hands it to me. She tells me to walk down to the cash register to pay. At this point, I have no faith in their ability to blow..............up my balloons. I walk down to the cash register and the girls takes the baggie. (No, not the dime baggie, the 2.4 dime baggie.) She then proceeds to enter all of my information into the computer.

Now, I don't want to tell anyone how to run their company, but if you are going to take my information, write it down and then have someone enter it into a computer, I can suggest a way to streamline the process. How about you give me the little bag of stuff and I walk it down to the cash register and just tell that girl my information? Wouldn't that be easier and not require the use of a little note pad? Now, maybe I am wrong, but I am pretty sure this would be easier.

Of course, what do they do at this point? They take my money. Not a problem. They print out a receipt for me. They print out a receipt for them and they put it in the little baggie. The receipt with all of my information. The information that I told them so they could write down so they could then enter into a computer and throw away the piece of paper only to print it out on a 2nd piece of paper and put it back in the baggie. Really, could you make this more complicated? I think I can. How about this:

I write down the information on a piece of paper and hand it to you so that you can copy it onto an order form, then give me the order form to have me read it to the cashier, who can then enter it into the computer, print out a piece of paper to have me verify it, throw that paper away, print out a receipt and put it in the bag.

Otherwise, they have the most complicated program I have seen. Seriously, is this place run by Darrell Steinberg and Karen Bass. The legislature could make this process harder, but that's about it.

So, as I leave the store, I am worried. Who wouldn't be? I need these balloons at 10am the next morning. 9am comes and guess what? "Mr. Stein, this is Partay Citay and we aren't sure what balloons you ordered. Could you tell us what your order is?" "Um, 24 pink balloons with pink strings."

Seriously, this place needs a makeover. You know, like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Let's call it Extreme Makeover: Business Edition. In our premier episode, Party City is imploded and not rebuilt. Just end it. Now. Please.

What the heck is wrong with lawyers?

Someone, please tell me. Okay, save the jokes. Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His mouth is moving. yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Been there, done that. Most aren't funny. Sorry.

But, seriously, what the hell is wrong with lawyers? Are we dumb? Stupid? Or do we think that the rules of society do not apply to us because we have a JD? Or are we just asses?

I get a deposition notice in the mail today. Its for my wife's due date. I write a nice simple letter back explaining that she is due on that date and that I am not scheduling things for a few weeks before and a few weeks after. I mean, most people who work for big companies take paternity leave. Heck, I have a friend (Can I call you a friend?) who works for a small company and took time off when his son was born. I think its just a common understanding. After all, she didn't get pregnant by herself. At least, that is what I am told. Really, is this so unreasonable?

So, dude calls me up. Actually, dude is too nice. Dweeb calls me up. No, dweeb is too nice. DB (douche bag) calls me up. (I am the only one who remembers the commercial for Summer's Eve. Mom and daughter are walking on the beach and the daughter looks at mom and says "Mom. Can I ask you a personal question? Do you douche?" Seriously, would anyone actually ask that to their mom. I am buying a coffee for anyone who can prove to me that they would say that to their mom. And not a cheap McCafe coffee, but a real Starbucks coffee. Venti size. Extra hot, 2 1/2 pump, caf and a half, with whip.) Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, DB calls me up and says "We are proceeding with the deposition that day anyway and you need to find a contract attorney."

In the real world, people say "Oh, your wife is expecting. Congratulations. Let me see what we can do to work around your schedule." Or maybe "Congratulations. Lets worry about this after." But, not attorneys. At least not DB. DB thinks that his case is so important that he should ignore the fact that its my wife's due date and take his deposition anyway.

Um, not sure if he gets this, but his case is about money. And money that my client is paying back weekly. Its not like his client needs to get any information since my client is paying his client back. Quickly. And my wife is having a baby. A little person. A human being. She grew a finger last week. She might grow another finger next week.

Lets compare: person versus money? Actually, person versus money that is being repaid? Not really that big of a deal. But apparently it is to this guy. Here is an idea: stop being an a****** and start being a person. I am sure your client would love to know that you are a DB and think his money is more important than a person. I mean, I think my clients would be mortified if I told them that I thought taking a deposition is more important than someone being with his wife when she is having a baby.

Hey DB - here is an idea: Go douche yourself and let me know how that feels. Until then, there is not going to be a deposition anywhere near when my wife delivers.

Views from the Daddy to be Side

Tuesday was a fun day. I had a court hearing on Tuesday. Then we had a baby birthing class. Apparently, to have a baby, you need to go to class now. I didn't know that having had three kids already. But, if you want want to come out of your wife's stomach, apparently a class helps. (By the way, we had a great instructor and you can see her blog at http://gentlebeginnings.blogspot.com/ and her best post at http://gentlebeginnings.blogspot.com/2008/10/bribing-your-nurse.html Thanks Theresa!)

But before we went to birthing class, I had to go to court. I thought I would be a nice husband and take my wife to breakfast before court. A bagel at Noah's is a good breakfast. Then we went to court. This is an auxiliary court with only 2 courtrooms. There are about 10 chairs to sit in. Its a nice little place.

So we get there and my wife, who is very pregnant, is standing next to me. The seats are all taken. When I was a kid, my dad taught me that you offer your seat to a woman. You especially offer your seat to a pregnant woman. Now, some of these seats were taken by women, but I think in the hierarchy of seats it is elderly woman, elderly man, disabled woman, disabled man, pregnant woman, woman, child, man. So the non-pregnant woman could have offered her seat. But she was too stuck in her "I am a lawyer" mode to notice anyone or anything around her.

For those of you who do not know, I am a lawyer mode is when you are so stuck on being a lawyer that you do not realize that there is a world around you. Some signs to look for: a person introduces himself as "Hi, I am Bob and I am a lawyer;" a person relates every story to the law ("Did you hear that it is going to be 100 tomorrow?" "No, really? I am going to go to court and argue that res ipsa loquitor is a bad idea."); a person puts JD on their license plate as in BOBJD or BOBESQ; and a person uses big words when a small word applies as in "That is more than mere puffery" instead of the better "That is BS!"

But, there were guys there waiting for court. Dude #1 was in a double breasted suit. Double breasted suits went out with the mullet, Achy Breaky Heart, and Billy "Stroke Me" Squire. Seriously, a poorly fitting double breasted suit is more unfortunate than Speedo, no wait, more unfortunate than camel toe. (Sorry, I had to go there.)

Dude #2 was wearing a blue pinstriped suit. Nothing wrong with that, right? I have a blue pinstripe suit. Of course, mine was not the $99 special. But his blue pinstripe suit was being worn with a blue and white checked shirt...........and a horizontal striped tie. Knit. Poorly. I am no Clinton Kelly or Stacy London (who really needs to get rid of the gray stripe in her hair that makes her look like a skunk - a skanky skunk) but even I knew this outfit didn't work - ever. Not even in the 70s.

Dude #3 was too busy keeping his comb-over in place. I thought comb-over's went the way of Michael Jackson's pigmentation. (If you want to be my lover, it don't matter if your black or white - as long as you don't mind that I am opaque. Billie Jean's not my lover/I had my thing removed during my 118th plastic surgery. Okay, enough with the Michael Jackson songs - for this month!) The comb-over looked so bad, I thought the guy liked unicorn porn. No wait, that's not it. Unicorn porn is when the woman..........nevermind. I mean, hermaphrodite porn. (Yes, it exists and I known of someone who likes it. I haven't watched it - but if you have, leave a comment. No wait, don't leave a comment. That's just wrong. Plain wrong. Go get help. Now. Please? I will even pay for your first session.)

Anyway, none of these guys could offer the pregnant lady a seat. I am not asking for much, but offer a woman a seat, you poorly dressed dweebs.

So, after we were in court, it was baby class. This was our last baby class. It was week 5. Technically, it was a 6 week program but the last class is a hospital tour. We did our hospital tour. I wrote about it before. Remember, the non pregnant lady who was taking a tour and taking notes. Huh? Or how about the lady whose husband is a doctor and decided to yell at the nurse who was giving the tour? Nice, lady.

So, it was our last class. And the teacher was nice. And some of the people in class were. Well, most of the people. One guy had to turn everything into a sexual comment. Look, it is not that hard to turn "hands and knees position" into something sexual. I know 14 year olds who could make that joke. My left "toe" (yes toe is a euphemism for another word) could make that joke. Its not that hard. The key to good humor is to take the tough thing and turn it into something funny. So, take the comment about the nanny, well, maybe she was a nanny, and turn that into something funny. And funny doesn't have to be sexual. Go read my Michael Jackson posts. Those were funny. And not sexual. If you can't joke with the big dogs, go play in high school. Please? (By the way, when you have a kid, those jokes will be a lot less funny and you will have to learn to expand your horizons in the humor department!)

Now I feel better!

AAJ Names New President..........

...........and for some reason they think we care. First, you are asking "AAJ?" Did this crazy guy get something stuck in his throat? What the heck is AAJ? No, I am not at the dentist when I write this. No, the doctor is not using a tongue depressor on me. (Admit it, you are impressed I could spell depressor on the first try.)

AAJ is the American Association for Justice. You see, it used to be called ATLA - the Association of Trial Lawyers of America. Then they paid a consultant a lot of money. That consultant decided that they needed to change their name. After all, apparently calling oneself a trial lawyer is not descriptive enough for them. Justice is more descriptive. So ATLA had a meeting and only those members in attendance could vote. They voted to change the name despite quite a bit of outcry from members who couldn't afford to go to the meeting.

Remember, this is all consultant driven. Oh, and guess what - these consultants weren't trial lawyers or former trial lawyers. These were your run of the mill MBA consultants who couldn't figure out what a trial lawyer was without a picture book by Roald Dahl. Consultants have one purpose - paperweights. Well, some of them. Some of them have a second purpose - shark food. After all, you need to keep the sharks happy somehow and eating consultants is not a bad way of doing it. (Note: I don't mean to lump all consultants in to one group, some actually do a good job. It just so happens I can count them on one hand and two of them are friends of mine!)

So ATLA changed its name to AAJ. AAJ sounds like you just puked. Actually, remember the frog in the blender game on your 286? (If you don't get a 286, you were not a computer geek!) AAJ sounds like the sound the frog made just before it went to froggy heaven - or froggy milkshake in this case. Its not even a word. Maybe we should toss it in with Web 2.0 for the 1,000,001 word that is not an actual word. Remember, Web 2.0 is TWO WORDS so it cannot be the millionth word in the English language.

I, along with others, then quit ATLA. I still call it ATLA. Why did we quit? Because I am not a just lawyer. I am not a member of the Hall of Justice ("Back at the hall of Justice, Attorney Jones was typing a brief in his briefs with his briefcase nearby after a brief break with Secretary Smith.") I am not a superhero. I am a trial lawyer. Plain and simple. I sue people - and I like it. (Raise your hand if you heard me say that before.) When a client calls and asks for "justice," I politely refer them to some new lawyer or some shmuck down the street.

So now they have elected some new guy President. He is a partner in some huge law firm with 15 partners. They handled "disasters" including Pan Am Flight 103. Apparently, he is in the business of justice. I still don't understand how you get justice for clients, but I am sure he must be smarter than me. Maybe he can explain it to me. Of course, I would also like to know how you get paid when you get people justice. Maybe if you have 15 partners you can afford to get people justice. But most of us are just trying to get our clients compensated for their losses or stop some bad behavior of some mean debt collector. Of course, this is the same ridiculous group that has a former President who was a partner in a firm that defended insurance companies - the same people we regularly sue. Thats not a conflict of interest or anything.

So, memo to Kyle Murphy at Justice.org: I DON'T CARE THAT YOU ELECTED SOME GUY PRESIDENT. Dude is not a trial lawyer. Dude is not a consumer lawyer. Dude is some rich guy who is out of touch with most Americans. Hey, that sounds like most politicians. Apparently if you are elected to any position it is a requirement that you be out of touch with most people. Remove me from your list and stop with your nonsense emails. Oh, and next time you decide to send out an email like this, try having a professional journalist write it. I have a few I can recommend who are really good.

Calderon, Nava, Miller and NACA

For those of you who don't remember, the geniuses at the State Capitol have decided to introduce SB 94and AB 764. These bills, by Senator Calderon and Assemblymember Nava, would basically ban consumers from getting help from attorneys in foreclosures. Howard Miller, president elect of the State Bar, wrote a letter supporting these bills while the current State Bar president, Holly Fujie, was on vacation in Italy. Apparently it wasn't important enough for her to return to attend the meeting, hook up a web cam or break out the old reliable AT&T to call in to the meeting.

Anyway, while these bill will make it so consumers cannot get legal help, hey will allow NACA to continue. NACA in this case is the Neighborhood Assistance Corporation of America, an alleged non profit. I say alleged because a non profit can still make a profit. These folks, me thinks, make a profit.

So, NACA was in Cleveland and claimed to do 5,000 loan modifications between a Friday and a Monday. Folks, that is 1,250 per day - including weekends. Call your bank on Saturday. Let me know if they are open. See if you can get a loan modification on a Saturday. Call on Sunday and see if you can get a person to even answer the freaking phone. You can't. Trust me on this. But NACA is claiming 5,000 over 4 days. Some people just don't believe them and the BBB won't give an endorsement to NACA because of a "lack of transparency."

Let me see if I get this right. I know where I get paid - its the client. I do the work and can document the work that is done. The client pays for work and the work is done. Its not always successful but anyone who claims a 100% success rate is a liar - of the worst kind.

NACA on the other hand won't, can't or chooses not to say how it gets paid. Some of questioned their payments. Are they being paid by lenders? Are they being paid by the borrower? Are they being paid by the Feds? Are they being paid twice on a case? Three times? They won't answer the questions - hence the lack of transparency cited by the BBB.

Of course, Nava and Calderon, in their lack of ability to think things through, are about to create a system where only NACA and its ilk will even be able to offer services to homeowners. Well, NACA and the banks, who will have no oversight by anyone. That should be a good system - if you don't mind the inmates running the prisons.

Once again - Senator Calderon, Assemblymember Nava and Howard Miller, I make the same offer to you - a public debate about loans, foreclosures and the system. You name the time and the place. I will be there. Now, since the three of you think you have no accountability, I don't expect any of you take me up on it, but if you decide, I am here. Any takers?