Do you want to DOMINATE the law?

I don't either. I didn't think the law was something that was dominated. Well, maybe in San Francisco in some backroom off of a dark alley. I could see it being dominated there. You know, Mistress Beth or something like that dominating the law. Oh, don't tell me you don't get it. You get it. And its funny.

This morning I woke up to an email from the director of marketing for "Dominate Law." Their phone number is 855.2CRUSH1. How cute is that. Its like 1980 and they need an 800 number for people to call. Apparently, they think attorneys pay for their calls and we need to call a toll free number in order to save that FREE LONG DISTANCE that every person born after 1945 has. What the hell? 2 crush 1? Really? And are we supposed to remember that. This, my friends, is a sign of their marketing skills. They will help you get a memorable toll free number like 855.MYFIRMROCKS or 855.THEYSUCK or 855.IAMTHEBEST or maybe 855.IDONTPUTMYPANTSONONELEGATATIMEBECAUSEIAMAWESOME. (Wait, that could be my new favorite hashtag! #IDONTPUTMYPANTSONONELEGATATIMEBECAUSEIAMAWESOME) Maybe, they get me 855.MYSHITDONTSTINK. You see the possibilities here? I mean, I should just run right out and call them!

Then I see that they will help me crush my competition. No offense, I don't have competition. I want very specific cases. Cases that the other attorneys don't take for whatever reason. I don't compete with these folks over cases. Besides, if someone calls me and I am not the right attorney for them, I would tell them that. "Hey, look, I think you have an interesting case, but you really need to call Mr. Jones." I think give them Mr. Jones' phone number. Why? Because I am not the right attorney for everyone and they are not the right clients for me. So I dont want to crush anyone.

But, if I did want to crush anyone, would I then be a new member of Kids in the Hall? (Okay, so this reference may be a bit out there for some of you. Watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eVJyYXailw and now you know where it came from!) Seriously, I am going to drop boulders on them. Am I going to use my super human strength to break them? What the hell is crushing my competition anyway?

Then they tell me I can be THE ONE dominant legal professional in my area. I can be? Really? THE ONE? Like I am now in The Matrix. I am the ONE! You are not the ONE. You must bow down and treat me as special because Dominate Law is going to make me THE ONE! I shall yell it from the rooftops. I shall be the one and only. I am special. And if you think you are the one now, you are wrong. You are going to be THE TWO once 2 CRUSH 1 happens. Don't you see how cute this is?

Seriously, its like Ron Popeil. But, wait, theres more? If you order now, we will not only make you THE ONE, but we will CRUSH anyone else. And for a limited time, we will make you DOMINATE the world. Then quietly, you hear the legalese "We may spam people from time to time to help you be the one or crush someone, but if you want to dominate, whats a little violation of the CAN SPAM act between friends?"

I mean, they found me by spamming me. I never signed up for their crappy newsletter. I never reached out to them. They emailed me offering me their ridiculous claims that I could dominate or crush or dance a jig barefoot and naked while running down I-5 in 80mph traffic and not get crushed. What the hell is wrong with these people?

Are lawyers really that dumb? Do people fall for this nonsense? Does anyone really think that some Canadian company a) knows how to crush anyone and b) can dominate at anything other than curling or most times using the word "eh" in a conversation? Seriously.

This is BS. These folks probably don't even know how to spell Stein, let alone do any marketing for me. So, Dominate Law, how about when you stop spamming people, then I will consider looking at your website for more than 2 minutes only to find reasons to mock you?