You might be a Facebook douche if..............

I am sure there are more pressing issues in the world. I just don't know what they are right now. No, I don't care what Adam Levine said about hating this country. He was pissed for a minute. It happens to normal people. We make mistakes. If you are going to get on him over that, you really shouldn't read any more of what I write. Ever. Seriously.

So, without further delay, you might be a Facebook douche if...............

.......you continually post pictures of yourself. No, not the occasional picture of yourself. Not the picture of you and your kids and your family. Those are cute. The pictures of you at the gym. Or you looking intellectual. Or to make you look cool.

Let's just be clear. No one cares how much you lift, except you. If you feel the need to show us, you really aren't lifting that much. If you are showing us with a ton of weight, it was either your only rep or you know how to use photoshop. By the way, lifting a lot of weight has nothing to do with being athletic.

Oh, and you aren't intellectual. Or cool. You are a douche. You want us to think you are intellectual with the cigar, legs crossed, in an ascot. But you really should be in a sweater with a mullet. Seriously. Stop it. Please.............

You might be a Facebook douche if..................

You insist your religion is "right." It isn't.  I am not saying you are wrong, but you aren't right. If you were right, don't you think in the last 2000 years, you would have been proven right. Fine, maybe my religion is right. Maybe your religion is right. Maybe Jesus is the Savior. Maybe its Muhammad. Maybe its Buddha. (Was Buddha supposed to be a savior? I apologize for my ignorance. Its what came to mind so I went with it.) But maybe not..........

Look, I appreciate you are religious. I appreciate your right to discuss your religion. I don't appreciate you constantly posting about how this person or that person is the savior. I have my beliefs. They are probably different from yours. (Just going on percentages here.) It really doesn't matter. Seriously. If your religion teaches you that I am a bad person because I don't believe what you believe, then your religion sucks. I will stick with mine. You can believe in God, Adam, Eve, or whatever. Just don't try to shove it down my throat.


You might be a Facebook douche if..................

You tell me I have to like a page for some kid with some disease. No, getting 10,00 likes isn't going to cure the kid. Liking his picture isn't going to make him feel better about himself. And, not liking it doesn't mean I am a loser or an idiot or soulless. Look, I have a list of causes I support. I have a list of people I know, personally, who could use a pick me up, a hug, a like, a whatever. I don't tell you to go like them. So, please stop telling me what pictures or causes to like. Please?


You might be a Facebook douche if..................

You start Facebook fights. You know what I mean.........you comment negatively just because. You want someone to argue with you. You like to cause drama. Drama is fine for you. Most of us don't like it. Tell your drama to your mama. Just don't bring it to Facebook. You don't look funny or witty. You look like a moron. A big moron. A loser-like moron.

Finally, you might be a Facebook douche if..................

You write fake posts. You know who you are. We all know your life really isn't that interesting. So don't pretend it is. We don't care what your fake life is like. Leave that for your fake friends. Really, its Facebook and no one cares that much. Just be you.............

Now I feel better............off to post a picture of myself lifting weights, while praying to God and telling you that you are going to hell, asking for likes for myself to stop my idiocy, then fighting with myself in my comments while making it all up................