Attorneys - what is in a title?

I was going to write a bad song or two because the radio these days sucks. But, then I remembered something I saw today and I just had to get this off my chest. This one is special for attorneys!

What is in a title? It is more than a name. And attorneys are the worst at using them.

Lets just be clear. Once you get a law degree, you are NOT a doctor. EVER. I know its a juris doctor. But that does not make you a doctor. It makes you a person with a law degree. You could, I guess, sign your name "Bill Smith, JD" if you wanted to. But even that is pretentious. That is obnoxious. If you insist on calling yourself doctor, then please be advised I will mock you - endlessly. You are asking for it. You are so pretentious that you might set a new record for pretentiousness. Lets knock that nonsense off now.

Now that we have that out of the way, you are not Attorney Smith now. Look, I know the old saying "When EF Hutton talks, people listen." But they listened because EF didn't go by Attorney Hutton or Investment Advisor Hutton, dude went by EF! Yes, he was ahead of his time. Just like EF Hutton, an attorney should go by Bill or William or Mr. Smith. Why? Because you are a pretentious a-hole if you go by anything else. Seriously. Attorney is not a name. It is not a title. It should not be used on your website. It should not be used in a brochure. It should not be used. Ever. Ever. Ever. to borrow shamelessly from Taylor Swift. If you think that makes you sound smart, sophisticated, intellectual or like a good attorney, you are wrong. It makes you sound pompous, idiotic, uneducated, and trying to cover up your deficiencies. SHEESH!

Finally, lets just be clear. The title Esquire is not one you give yourself. Its one someone else gives to you. So, you are not Bill Smith, Esq. You are Bill Smith. If someone else writes to you "Dear Mr. Smith, Esq" that is acceptable. But you do not sign your name with Esq at the end of it. Well, maybe if you are the managing editor of Esquire magazine. Maybe. Nope, not even then. Oh, and it is ESQ, not ESG. Yes, I saw an attorney with ESG on his sign instead of ESQ. Now you are a pompous idiot who can't get something this basic right and you don't check your work. That is sloppy.

So, lets just go back to being people. I assure you it will make the rest of the world like you significantly more than if you call yourself Doctor Smith, Attorney Smith, or Bill Smith, Esq. Of course, if you try to pull off the trip of Doctor Attorney Smith, Esq, you will forever be a failure. Forever, ever, ever..............(sorry, I had to!)