You might be a douche if.............

I was going to write something serious tonight, but this is, quite frankly, more fun.

You might be a douche if..............

You drive in the fast lane of a 2 lane freeway at 65mph. Seriously, folks, drive in the right lane and use the left lane for passing. Slower cars stay to the right. Move over. What the hell is the problem with people? Who drives at 65 in the fast lane of I-5 when the posted speed limit is 70?

You might be a douche if.................

You are over 25 and you care about co-ed sports. Who cares if your team has won 21 of the last 22 games? Does that mean anything to anyone? Are you so proud of your team? Do you want a freaking medal? By the way, they give you a t-shirt for winning the league. Do you wear that t-shirt with pride? I bet you do. I am pretty sure I can beat you 1 v 1 only scoring with my left leg and not crossing half field. You are the reason people think adult sports are dumb and stop playing them. You need to get your glory through recruiting college athletes to play for you so your team wins because you suck the big one. Seriously, in a small dick contest with John Wayne Bobbitt shortly after Lorena used her knife, you still lose.

You might be a douche if................

You smoke around kids. I don't get smoking. I never have. I never will. But, why do you have to smoke around kids? I don't get that. If you want to kill yourself, fine. Smoke all you want in a locked room with no ventilation. But don't smoke around kids. Idiots.

You might be a douche if................

You still think Elk Grove is getting an MLS team. The latest expansion fee is $100,000,000. Um, folks, Elk Grove doesn't have $100,000,000 for an expansion fee and then a stadium. Can we put this to rest now?