I am sure there are more pressing issues in the world. I just don't know what they are right now. No, I don't care what Adam Levine said about hating this country. He was pissed for a minute. It happens to normal people. We make mistakes. If you are going to get on him over that, you really shouldn't read any more of what I write. Ever. Seriously.
So, without further delay, you might be a Facebook douche if...............
.......you continually post pictures of yourself. No, not the occasional picture of yourself. Not the picture of you and your kids and your family. Those are cute. The pictures of you at the gym. Or you looking intellectual. Or to make you look cool.
Let's just be clear. No one cares how much you lift, except you. If you feel the need to show us, you really aren't lifting that much. If you are showing us with a ton of weight, it was either your only rep or you know how to use photoshop. By the way, lifting a lot of weight has nothing to do with being athletic.
Oh, and you aren't intellectual. Or cool. You are a douche. You want us to think you are intellectual with the cigar, legs crossed, in an ascot. But you really should be in a sweater with a mullet. Seriously. Stop it. Please.............
You might be a Facebook douche if..................
You insist your religion is "right." It isn't. I am not saying you are wrong, but you aren't right. If you were right, don't you think in the last 2000 years, you would have been proven right. Fine, maybe my religion is right. Maybe your religion is right. Maybe Jesus is the Savior. Maybe its Muhammad. Maybe its Buddha. (Was Buddha supposed to be a savior? I apologize for my ignorance. Its what came to mind so I went with it.) But maybe not..........
Look, I appreciate you are religious. I appreciate your right to discuss your religion. I don't appreciate you constantly posting about how this person or that person is the savior. I have my beliefs. They are probably different from yours. (Just going on percentages here.) It really doesn't matter. Seriously. If your religion teaches you that I am a bad person because I don't believe what you believe, then your religion sucks. I will stick with mine. You can believe in God, Adam, Eve, or whatever. Just don't try to shove it down my throat.
You might be a Facebook douche if..................
You tell me I have to like a page for some kid with some disease. No, getting 10,00 likes isn't going to cure the kid. Liking his picture isn't going to make him feel better about himself. And, not liking it doesn't mean I am a loser or an idiot or soulless. Look, I have a list of causes I support. I have a list of people I know, personally, who could use a pick me up, a hug, a like, a whatever. I don't tell you to go like them. So, please stop telling me what pictures or causes to like. Please?
You might be a Facebook douche if..................
You start Facebook fights. You know what I mean.........you comment negatively just because. You want someone to argue with you. You like to cause drama. Drama is fine for you. Most of us don't like it. Tell your drama to your mama. Just don't bring it to Facebook. You don't look funny or witty. You look like a moron. A big moron. A loser-like moron.
Finally, you might be a Facebook douche if..................
You write fake posts. You know who you are. We all know your life really isn't that interesting. So don't pretend it is. We don't care what your fake life is like. Leave that for your fake friends. Really, its Facebook and no one cares that much. Just be you.............
Now I feel better............off to post a picture of myself lifting weights, while praying to God and telling you that you are going to hell, asking for likes for myself to stop my idiocy, then fighting with myself in my comments while making it all up................
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Attorneys - what is in a title?
I was going to write a bad song or two because the radio these days sucks. But, then I remembered something I saw today and I just had to get this off my chest. This one is special for attorneys!
What is in a title? It is more than a name. And attorneys are the worst at using them.
Lets just be clear. Once you get a law degree, you are NOT a doctor. EVER. I know its a juris doctor. But that does not make you a doctor. It makes you a person with a law degree. You could, I guess, sign your name "Bill Smith, JD" if you wanted to. But even that is pretentious. That is obnoxious. If you insist on calling yourself doctor, then please be advised I will mock you - endlessly. You are asking for it. You are so pretentious that you might set a new record for pretentiousness. Lets knock that nonsense off now.
Now that we have that out of the way, you are not Attorney Smith now. Look, I know the old saying "When EF Hutton talks, people listen." But they listened because EF didn't go by Attorney Hutton or Investment Advisor Hutton, dude went by EF! Yes, he was ahead of his time. Just like EF Hutton, an attorney should go by Bill or William or Mr. Smith. Why? Because you are a pretentious a-hole if you go by anything else. Seriously. Attorney is not a name. It is not a title. It should not be used on your website. It should not be used in a brochure. It should not be used. Ever. Ever. Ever. to borrow shamelessly from Taylor Swift. If you think that makes you sound smart, sophisticated, intellectual or like a good attorney, you are wrong. It makes you sound pompous, idiotic, uneducated, and trying to cover up your deficiencies. SHEESH!
Finally, lets just be clear. The title Esquire is not one you give yourself. Its one someone else gives to you. So, you are not Bill Smith, Esq. You are Bill Smith. If someone else writes to you "Dear Mr. Smith, Esq" that is acceptable. But you do not sign your name with Esq at the end of it. Well, maybe if you are the managing editor of Esquire magazine. Maybe. Nope, not even then. Oh, and it is ESQ, not ESG. Yes, I saw an attorney with ESG on his sign instead of ESQ. Now you are a pompous idiot who can't get something this basic right and you don't check your work. That is sloppy.
So, lets just go back to being people. I assure you it will make the rest of the world like you significantly more than if you call yourself Doctor Smith, Attorney Smith, or Bill Smith, Esq. Of course, if you try to pull off the trip of Doctor Attorney Smith, Esq, you will forever be a failure. Forever, ever, ever..............(sorry, I had to!)
What is in a title? It is more than a name. And attorneys are the worst at using them.
Lets just be clear. Once you get a law degree, you are NOT a doctor. EVER. I know its a juris doctor. But that does not make you a doctor. It makes you a person with a law degree. You could, I guess, sign your name "Bill Smith, JD" if you wanted to. But even that is pretentious. That is obnoxious. If you insist on calling yourself doctor, then please be advised I will mock you - endlessly. You are asking for it. You are so pretentious that you might set a new record for pretentiousness. Lets knock that nonsense off now.
Now that we have that out of the way, you are not Attorney Smith now. Look, I know the old saying "When EF Hutton talks, people listen." But they listened because EF didn't go by Attorney Hutton or Investment Advisor Hutton, dude went by EF! Yes, he was ahead of his time. Just like EF Hutton, an attorney should go by Bill or William or Mr. Smith. Why? Because you are a pretentious a-hole if you go by anything else. Seriously. Attorney is not a name. It is not a title. It should not be used on your website. It should not be used in a brochure. It should not be used. Ever. Ever. Ever. to borrow shamelessly from Taylor Swift. If you think that makes you sound smart, sophisticated, intellectual or like a good attorney, you are wrong. It makes you sound pompous, idiotic, uneducated, and trying to cover up your deficiencies. SHEESH!
Finally, lets just be clear. The title Esquire is not one you give yourself. Its one someone else gives to you. So, you are not Bill Smith, Esq. You are Bill Smith. If someone else writes to you "Dear Mr. Smith, Esq" that is acceptable. But you do not sign your name with Esq at the end of it. Well, maybe if you are the managing editor of Esquire magazine. Maybe. Nope, not even then. Oh, and it is ESQ, not ESG. Yes, I saw an attorney with ESG on his sign instead of ESQ. Now you are a pompous idiot who can't get something this basic right and you don't check your work. That is sloppy.
So, lets just go back to being people. I assure you it will make the rest of the world like you significantly more than if you call yourself Doctor Smith, Attorney Smith, or Bill Smith, Esq. Of course, if you try to pull off the trip of Doctor Attorney Smith, Esq, you will forever be a failure. Forever, ever, ever..............(sorry, I had to!)
Monday, May 13, 2013
This is what it is all about
Okay, another touchy-feely post. (Or is it touchie-feelie? And does it matter?)
So, Saturday morning I get up at the crack of dawn. I take two of my boys to South Sacramento. They are going to a football training. My boys have never played organized football. Their experience, like mine, is limited to throwing the ball around when we are camping or in the front yard.
But its being run by a friend who has forgotten more about football than I have ever known. Sure, I can talk about 3-4 defenses or pass interference, but this dude coached big time college football.So it will be good. But..............................more importantly, it was a good event.
So we show up a bit early. There are a couple of coaches there. I tell my boys to go help out and get some of the equipment out. Now, I don't know a tackling dummy for a ladder, but the boys can ask questions and figure it out. I talk to a couple of the coaches. All is good.
About 7:45, all of the coaches gather. I get called over and we all introduce ourselves. You know these guys can ball when they start talking about playing at Arizona State, Louisville, etc.... Its not like they were just good high school players. Then, my friend, starts a prayer.
I don't sugar coat things on the blog. And I not said this to him so he will read it for the first time the read of you read it. Here I am, all 5'5 of me, shaved head, and white as can be. I am the only white guy there. I stand out in this group. And, I am going out on a limb here, I was the only Jewish guy in the group. Okay, so its not much of a limb. I would bet two lunches on it.
So, these guys do a prayer. I do what I do - I bow my head and pray. I have done this before. At Sunday Soccer we have stopped twice for prayers. I get it. People pray. But here is the deal - you and I may not have the same beliefs, but that doesn't mean we can't stop and share a prayer to A God, even if it is not your God or my God. We wanted the kids to be safe, for the coaches to be safe, for this to be a good thing. It was.
Then this thing starts. They warm up. They need people to sign waivers, get demographic information, etc.... Its not my "job." I am there as a dad and probably as an attorney. But it needs to be done and the nice lady who was there also had to take pictures. So, I sat down, gave the form out, got the information they needed, and entered it. Why? Because it needed to be done.
After a bit, there are some offensive drills. One group has a ton of kids. I see that one coach is trying to catch balls from two different lines. This doesn't work well. Now, there is a small group of parents watching this who clearly have played football. And they watch. And watch................and watch. But how does that help the kids? It doesn't. So out I go to catch footballs from kids who have pretty good arms. (Oh, and just so we all understand, when I jog out there, and I do jog, I call the guy running the drill "Coach." Why? Its a sign of respect and he has earned it.)
The event ended and one of the coaches talks to the kids for a few minutes about the need to listen to their parents, their coaches, their teachers. Its a quick speech. Look, it wasn't President Obama winning the election, but this kid probably hasn't given speeches to 40 or 50 people before.
So what is it all about? What is the point of my run-on nonsense?
We need to come together. You see, here was a guy who didn't grow up here, didn't play his college ball here, but came here to raise a family with his wife. He got involved in the community. He reached out to people who have skills to help him with a vision. He brought in people from all over the country, with different backgrounds, different education levels, different races, different religions with one goal - providing kids with a positive environment to learn a little football, learn a little life, and be around people who can positively effect them.
It didn't matter to me that I didn't have much in common with these guys. I never played football. I don't speak the language that some of them speak, both literally and figuratively. But, when people need help, and when the goal is the betterment of kids, then it doesn't matter. It didn't matter to me, never has/never will, and it didn't matter to them. We were all there for one goal - and we took the first step to accomplishing it.
So, to you, Coach, lelei fatongia.
So, Saturday morning I get up at the crack of dawn. I take two of my boys to South Sacramento. They are going to a football training. My boys have never played organized football. Their experience, like mine, is limited to throwing the ball around when we are camping or in the front yard.
But its being run by a friend who has forgotten more about football than I have ever known. Sure, I can talk about 3-4 defenses or pass interference, but this dude coached big time college football.So it will be good. But..............................more importantly, it was a good event.
So we show up a bit early. There are a couple of coaches there. I tell my boys to go help out and get some of the equipment out. Now, I don't know a tackling dummy for a ladder, but the boys can ask questions and figure it out. I talk to a couple of the coaches. All is good.
About 7:45, all of the coaches gather. I get called over and we all introduce ourselves. You know these guys can ball when they start talking about playing at Arizona State, Louisville, etc.... Its not like they were just good high school players. Then, my friend, starts a prayer.
I don't sugar coat things on the blog. And I not said this to him so he will read it for the first time the read of you read it. Here I am, all 5'5 of me, shaved head, and white as can be. I am the only white guy there. I stand out in this group. And, I am going out on a limb here, I was the only Jewish guy in the group. Okay, so its not much of a limb. I would bet two lunches on it.
So, these guys do a prayer. I do what I do - I bow my head and pray. I have done this before. At Sunday Soccer we have stopped twice for prayers. I get it. People pray. But here is the deal - you and I may not have the same beliefs, but that doesn't mean we can't stop and share a prayer to A God, even if it is not your God or my God. We wanted the kids to be safe, for the coaches to be safe, for this to be a good thing. It was.
Then this thing starts. They warm up. They need people to sign waivers, get demographic information, etc.... Its not my "job." I am there as a dad and probably as an attorney. But it needs to be done and the nice lady who was there also had to take pictures. So, I sat down, gave the form out, got the information they needed, and entered it. Why? Because it needed to be done.
After a bit, there are some offensive drills. One group has a ton of kids. I see that one coach is trying to catch balls from two different lines. This doesn't work well. Now, there is a small group of parents watching this who clearly have played football. And they watch. And watch................and watch. But how does that help the kids? It doesn't. So out I go to catch footballs from kids who have pretty good arms. (Oh, and just so we all understand, when I jog out there, and I do jog, I call the guy running the drill "Coach." Why? Its a sign of respect and he has earned it.)
The event ended and one of the coaches talks to the kids for a few minutes about the need to listen to their parents, their coaches, their teachers. Its a quick speech. Look, it wasn't President Obama winning the election, but this kid probably hasn't given speeches to 40 or 50 people before.
So what is it all about? What is the point of my run-on nonsense?
We need to come together. You see, here was a guy who didn't grow up here, didn't play his college ball here, but came here to raise a family with his wife. He got involved in the community. He reached out to people who have skills to help him with a vision. He brought in people from all over the country, with different backgrounds, different education levels, different races, different religions with one goal - providing kids with a positive environment to learn a little football, learn a little life, and be around people who can positively effect them.
It didn't matter to me that I didn't have much in common with these guys. I never played football. I don't speak the language that some of them speak, both literally and figuratively. But, when people need help, and when the goal is the betterment of kids, then it doesn't matter. It didn't matter to me, never has/never will, and it didn't matter to them. We were all there for one goal - and we took the first step to accomplishing it.
So, to you, Coach, lelei fatongia.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
You might be a douche if.............
I was going to write something serious tonight, but this is, quite frankly, more fun.
You might be a douche if..............
You drive in the fast lane of a 2 lane freeway at 65mph. Seriously, folks, drive in the right lane and use the left lane for passing. Slower cars stay to the right. Move over. What the hell is the problem with people? Who drives at 65 in the fast lane of I-5 when the posted speed limit is 70?
You might be a douche if.................
You are over 25 and you care about co-ed sports. Who cares if your team has won 21 of the last 22 games? Does that mean anything to anyone? Are you so proud of your team? Do you want a freaking medal? By the way, they give you a t-shirt for winning the league. Do you wear that t-shirt with pride? I bet you do. I am pretty sure I can beat you 1 v 1 only scoring with my left leg and not crossing half field. You are the reason people think adult sports are dumb and stop playing them. You need to get your glory through recruiting college athletes to play for you so your team wins because you suck the big one. Seriously, in a small dick contest with John Wayne Bobbitt shortly after Lorena used her knife, you still lose.
You might be a douche if................
You smoke around kids. I don't get smoking. I never have. I never will. But, why do you have to smoke around kids? I don't get that. If you want to kill yourself, fine. Smoke all you want in a locked room with no ventilation. But don't smoke around kids. Idiots.
You might be a douche if................
You still think Elk Grove is getting an MLS team. The latest expansion fee is $100,000,000. Um, folks, Elk Grove doesn't have $100,000,000 for an expansion fee and then a stadium. Can we put this to rest now?
You might be a douche if..............
You drive in the fast lane of a 2 lane freeway at 65mph. Seriously, folks, drive in the right lane and use the left lane for passing. Slower cars stay to the right. Move over. What the hell is the problem with people? Who drives at 65 in the fast lane of I-5 when the posted speed limit is 70?
You might be a douche if.................
You are over 25 and you care about co-ed sports. Who cares if your team has won 21 of the last 22 games? Does that mean anything to anyone? Are you so proud of your team? Do you want a freaking medal? By the way, they give you a t-shirt for winning the league. Do you wear that t-shirt with pride? I bet you do. I am pretty sure I can beat you 1 v 1 only scoring with my left leg and not crossing half field. You are the reason people think adult sports are dumb and stop playing them. You need to get your glory through recruiting college athletes to play for you so your team wins because you suck the big one. Seriously, in a small dick contest with John Wayne Bobbitt shortly after Lorena used her knife, you still lose.
You might be a douche if................
You smoke around kids. I don't get smoking. I never have. I never will. But, why do you have to smoke around kids? I don't get that. If you want to kill yourself, fine. Smoke all you want in a locked room with no ventilation. But don't smoke around kids. Idiots.
You might be a douche if................
You still think Elk Grove is getting an MLS team. The latest expansion fee is $100,000,000. Um, folks, Elk Grove doesn't have $100,000,000 for an expansion fee and then a stadium. Can we put this to rest now?
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