The worst racist ever

Okay, so I was called a racist the other day by the neighbor from hell. At first, it really bothered me. I was like "What the hell?" Me? Racist. I was ready to follow the lead of Oran Juice Jones. (Okay, too obscure a reference? I was ready to do a Rambo, jam you (her) and flat blast both of you (her). But, I didnt. Then, yesterday, the same crazy lady said it again. (Among other things which I can't write because it even makes me blush and you have read what I can write!)

Then I was thinking about it. I might be the worst racist ever. No, not might be. I am. I showed up in court one day after shaving my head. A friend of mine is a deputy district attorney and said to me that I look liked a skinhead. We had a good chuckle and when he saw my client was an African American, he thought it was even funnier.

So, lets see. How bad of a racist am I? Lets start with being a minority. Yes, religiously I am a minority. I would be odd for a minority to be an "ist" against another minority, but it happens. We all know it does. So maybe that isn't the best evidence.

Lets see. My 3 boys? All Hispanic. Yes, I would have to be the worst racist in the world to be a white dude who adopted Hispanic kids. And its not like they are pasty white like the wife and me. You look at them and you can tell they are Hispanic. So, chalk that up to me being an idiot.

Oh, these boys, they go to a school where whites like me are a minority. The school has more Asian kids and Hispanics are a close third, followed by African Americans, mixed race kids and American Indians. Yep, I am the racist who sent my kids to a school with diversity.

My best friend? Filipino. Don't tell him that. Not that he is Filipino, that he is my best friend. He may not know it. Its not like we walk around calling each other BFF or anything. Hell, I took his 2nd youngest son to soccer practice last week. Bad, bad racist.

Oh yeah, I play soccer every week. Lets see, we have the dude from Mexico and his sons who play. We have the African guy who plays (actually from Africa) along with the dude from Jamaica or the West Indies. I don't know because I don't ask. Dude can kick the ball in the right direction. Its all I care about. How about the dude from South Africa? Actually, I play with two of them. One is black and the other is white. Then we have the Asian guys from all across Asia. We are the most diverse soccer game west of New York City.

I have coached soccer since I was 20. Lets see, I coached a team from South Sacramento that included several African American kids. I coached high school with a team that had kids from every background and I still talk to some of those guys, one of whom is, ready for it, African American. Dude even has a name that isn't Bob or Mike or something boring like that. His name is African. And he is a pretty cool guy, although don't tell him that.

I have clients who are from all over the world. I literally have clients from Mexico, Canada, Africa. I have clients whose racial background is everything you can imagine, including Guamanian. I can barely spell Guamanian, yet I have a client who is a really nice lady and Guamanian.

So, I have concluded I am like the worst racist ever. No, not like. If I were to be racist, I would be THE worst racist ever. The racist pieces of crap would kick me out for being such a bad racist. I would probably get my lily white ass kicked up one side of Broadway and down the other, assuming that these racist jackasses would go to Broadway. Maybe they would kick my lily white ass up one side of Loserville and down the other. Thats probably better.

So now I laugh at the crazy lady who called me a racist. I think its one of the last words someone would use to describe me. She can go take a long walk off a non-existent pier in the middle of nowhere. Maybe we can ship her crazy ass to Mars.