Its hard

Okay, I will preface this with its not whining or complaining. Its just my thoughts. And if you don't know that by now then a) you shouldn't be reading this and b) you don't really know me.

So we are 3 days from the worst month of the year. Yep, September. Green Day was right: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NU9JoFKlaZ0 I really do not like the entire month. One of the reasons is that it is the anniversary of my dad's passing. Less than a month from now. I was in my 20s. It wasn't the worst thing to ever happen to anyone, but it sucks when you are in your 20s. And then add my aunt saying it was a blessing (more on that another day), and it sucked - big time.

Add to this my wife's grandmother passing last week. It all adds up to a lot of thinking. Especially on those 4 hour flights to and from Chicago.

Where does this all lead? My dad was a freaking genius. I know, we all think our dads are the smartest men in the world. Its a good thing to think. My kids think I am Superman some days. I love them for that. Great kids. But what happens when your dad really is a genius? How do I live up to his standards?

My dad has a PhD in pharmaceutical chemistry. I don't even know what the hell that means. Seriously. I would have to look it up to tell you and I don't look things up when I am blogging. I know he has it because I saw his diploma. Hell, I have his PhD thesis. I can understand the dedication. Past that, it might as well be written in ancient Greek or Guamanian. I have no idea what it means or what it proves.

But I do know that he turned that PhD into a research position with Johnson & Johnson. And they wanted him so badly that they gave him a down payment on a house and paid him well for what he did. He worked on two products that most of us use every day. (Maybe for another day.) And heck, if my dad was a research scientist, it wouldn't be so bad. But he went on to do product development, then international mergers and acquisitions, then ran operating companies, then worked on development of a wheelchair that would go on sand and upstairs. So, lets see: chemistry, marketing, product development, management. I am sure he did some things that I don't even know about.

So, I was 16 and scared of growing up. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I knew what I didn't want to do: I didn't want to go into business. I didn't want to compete with that history. I couldn't. I wouldn't be able to compare to that.

Sure, I don't have to be compared to him, but how can you not? MJ's son is always going to be compared to MJ. Griffey Junior is going to be compared to Griffey. Barry Bonds to Bobby Bonds (sure Barry is a cheater, allegedly, and Bobby wasn't, but have you considered that Barry cheated so he could exceed Dad's success and make sure he succeeded). You see how this works.

So I avoided it. I went away from it. I am a lawyer. I didn't go into law with some grand ideas of making the world a better place or representing death row inmates. I know work to make the world a better place, but looking back, it was more of an escape than a desire.

And as I start pushing 40, I realize I was wrong. Sure, I would be compared to him. But I could have succeeded as well. I could have met those expectations that I know he had for me. Sure, no PhD in strange chemistry and no patents in my name. But I could have gone into mergers. I could have done product development. What I didn't know then that I know now is that I learned from him. I sat in on some amazing dinners, took him to the office and heard things most 16 year olds don't get to hear. It was an experience you don't get anywhere else.

I failed, I guess. Maybe I have not lived up to my potential. Maybe I could have done more. Maybe this is how it was supposed to work out. I don't know. I just know that when your dad isn't a billionaire but is a genius, it really is hard to live up to the standards. I wish I would have known that 20 years ago.