I want to cry

I want to cry. No, I really want to cry. I dont even know if crying is what I want to do. I want to yell and scream. I want to do something, anything.

This sucks. No, this sucked about 15 months ago. Whatever is worse than sucks, thats what this does. 15 months ago we had to place our then 11 year old, now 12 year old son, in a psychiatric hospital. He had lived in a group home for a number of years but, for a variety of reasons (and I won't rip the woman who runs the group home right now although I want to), he could no longer live there. So what other choices did we have?

You see, California is the land of opportunity. Unless you happen to be autistic with mental health issues. Then California is the land of lip service. As in "We really care about everyone." Or maybe "We really want to take care of our citizens." So what do we do? We give them all kinds of rights and then we say fuck you. You have the right to use the phone. Oh, you want to go to a therapeutic program that might help you? FUCK YOU. You have the right to lock your door. Oh, you want to get better so you can leave? FUCK YOU. California - the land of FUCK YOU.

I don't understand how things work. I dont think its because I am a fucking moron, although clearly I am. I think its because things dont work, and they clearly dont.

15 months into a 30 day placement........that is not a typo. 30 days he was going to be there while they found someplace new. You know what? Its been 15 fucking months and no one has found anything new. You know what they have found? Nothing. Why? Because why would we expect them to work at this. We found places. Several. One we really liked. We found it 3 years ago.

Today, I got told that they agree that place would be great. But the idiots who run the legislature have passed a new bill that goes into effect immediately. It makes it so we cant place kids out of state. Why? To save money. Um, earth to you fucking douches in the legislature: if you don't help kids with mental health issues, they become adults with more significant mental health issues that cost you more money. Oh, I know. You kicked the problem down the road another decade when none of you will have to deal with this.

I dont understand. Someone please explain to me how keeping a 12 year old locked into a pysch hospital is a good thing? You know what we did for his birthday? McDonalds and cake. No, we didn't take him with us. He cant leave. We dont even have any pictures of him in the last 15 months. None. I cant take my kid to lunch.

Do you know how crappy this feels? Does anyone who makes any fucking decisions have any idea how this impacts people? Talk about putting salt in a wound, I had to cancel my fundraiser in his honor because of a lack of support. And now this.

He frustrates me sometimes. Not him, but his disease. He calls and ignores me. He doesnt want to talk to me. He gets mad. I know its not him. But it hurts. I cant be a father to my own kid. I had so many dreams for him. So many hopes. Gone. All fucking gone. And now I get to find out that he is going to be in a psych hospital indefinitely. Why? Because there is no other placement. The legislature took that away from me.

So dear legislature: FUCK YOU. You have no idea how the rest of the world works. You live in your little bubbles and you can ignore the problems that real people face because you will get out of your bullshit job and go get another bullshit consulting job making more than 90% of us. And all you do is screw things up.

I would give the world for this kid. I would do anything to let him come  home, let him go to a place where he can go play at the park, chase his brothers, fly a kite, eat a fucking hamburger at a restaurant. And I cant.

I think I am going to go cry the rest of the day.