I have to give a talk this week. So it has had me thinking. I am trying to figure out a topic still. I think I might come up with one before Wednesday, but I am not sure. Anyway, I haven't done something like this in a few years. So I have had to think carefully about what I want to say. And it made me realize that words have meaning.
So I thought "What words are the most meaningful in the English language?" I have narrowed it down to three sayings:
1. I love you.
2. I hate you.
3. I need help.
Okay, so let me start with the first one. Love - I am still not sure why love is so powerful. But think back to the first time you said I love you to your spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend. Think about the look in their eyes. I can still remember the first time I told my wife I love her. I won't bore you with the details, or embarrass her with them. But I still vividly remember it. And now when my kids say I love you, especially the youngest, I see the look in her eyes and how much she wants to know she is loved to. Of course she is. Love is a powerful thing.
I hate you is also powerful. Hate is such a strong word. I don't think hate and love are opposites though. Hate is so strong. Like and dislike clearly are antonyms. But love and hate, I don't think so. Tell someone you hate them and see what response you get. See how upset it makes them. You can say a lot of terrible things to someone but they still don't generate the same response as "I hate you." I don't know why. I would leave that to folks smarter to me to figure out. But I think it has something to do with our desire to be liked, accepted, part of a group. If you hate someone, you are excluding them.
Finally, I need help. Maybe it is a guy thing. But I think most guys find it difficult, if not impossible, to ask for help, to admit we need help. It shows weakness, or maybe failure. Men don't like to show weakness. I think its some caveman thing. We are afraid the others in the pack will take advantage of our weakness.
But, I think admitting you need help, admitting a weakness or a failure is a good thing. We aren't perfect. I don't want to get too religious, but God made us in his image, he didn't make us duplicates of him (or her, I am totally open to the idea that God could be a woman). Anyone who thinks he or she is perfect is probably just playing ostrich. I think admitting a weakness or a failure is a sign of being human, of being a person. And I think people like that. At least, its my experience that people like me more when I can admit I am human and make mistakes.
I think we forget the meaning of words, the importance of language. I am
going to think about this more. Maybe this is a topic for me.............
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
I am f---ing done
I am just fucking done. (Oh yeah, this is going to have profanity in it so if it offends you, don't read it.)
Where do I start? Maybe the jackass who left me a message that he wanted to talk to me about a case. Oh yeah, there was no fucking case. The douchebag cocksucker wanted to get me to pay them money to get cases. You know how I get cases? Because despite what some sons of bitches think, I am a good guy. I'd give a client the shirt off my back. Hell, I actually did. I gave a Starbucks gift card to one yesterday because dude needed a cup of coffee worse than I have ever needed one. People hire me because they like me because I am who I am. If I fuck up, I admit it. Ready? I fuck up. A lot. Some of my fuck ups (or are they fucks up) are small. One or two has been big. But I own it. Its my fuck up and I learn from it. So, jackass, fuck off and if you call me again, I promise to unleash a string of profanity that would make sailors proud.
And yes, I am a good guy. Fuck you if you don't think I am. You can kiss my hairy white ass. Seriously. Find 10 people who don't like me. You can't. Its just not possible. I have a list of folks who dont like me. Not people who I may have pissed off now and then. That would be everyone, including my wife. But people who genuinely think I am a bad person or an ass or a piece of crap. There are a couple. They are either wrong or the biggest morons this side of (insert your favorite moron here). I don't quite get it when I get bashed. Maybe, I am wrong. Maybe I am the douche. Its possible. It may even be probable. I don't get it. Fuck it.
Then there is my oldest. What the fuck am I supposed to do? A - He isn't living here so its very difficult to be a good dad. No, its impossible. What the fuck do I do? How do I parent him? I don't know. There is no book for this crap. And the "experts" have no fucking clue what they are talking about. They are idiots. Oh, do this, do that. Really? That shit doesn't actually work in real life. Sorry. Its just not that easy. If it were, I wouldn't be the fucking disaster that I am.
Of course, the more I worry about him, the worse of a father I am to the other three. I lose my temper. I yell. I get pissed off. I try not to. But it takes SO much energy, so much time, so much work. I don't get it. Oh, and don't even get me started about these families like the Duggar's with their 18 or 28 or 48 kids and how much work it is for them. They couldn't hold my fucking jock strap when it comes to dealing with this. They can take their book and shove it. I am so tired of people writing parenting books about how they do it. I don't fucking care how you do it. Wait, maybe that isn't clear enough: I DON'T FUCKING CARE HOW YOU DO IT. Was that clearer? Its great that you are God's gift to parenting. I am not. I just want to make it from one day to the next and not completely fuck my kids up.
The more this bothers me the more I worry about my health. Its not the heart attack that worries me. Its not even the stroke. I take decent care of myself. Its the other nonsense. I know stress is bad for me, but what the hell? I don't have a stress relief magic button. I just have to suck it up. And, the more I internalize it, the harder it gets. I am going to go to the doctor, but why? What is she going to say? So, I get a diagnosis. So what? What does that do for me? It means I know what I have. But how does it actually make me better? It doesn.t It seems like an idiotic proposition.
Of course, I have a diagnosis or three for my kid and that plus a quarter still gets me a pile of crap. Maybe those doctors aren't as smart as we think they are? Or maybe we just don't have a cure or a fix for everything? I don't know. I wish I did.
You know what I know? Nothing. Not a single fucking thing. Wait, I know something. I miss my dad. A lot. I wish he was here to help me figure this out. I don't think I properly appreciated him when he was alive. Screw that, I know I didn't. And I missed him when he passed away. But I miss him even more now feeling like I really need him to figure this stuff out.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I am one fucked up dude. (Its not often I refer to myself as dude, or ever so at least I have some sense of humor. Maybe I am like Jimmy in Seinfeld. Don't bother looking it up if you don't get it. It won't be funny anymore.) You know there are days I sit in my office and look out at the world and wonder why...........why am I doing this? why am I not some drunk on the street? why am I different than the guy who works two jobs and barely makes ends meet? I think I know why.
A lot of it, if not all of it, is my wife. She motivated me to do well in school, or at least better than I had been doing. She made sure I wasn't going to be a bum. And I am pretty bright. Not a fucking genius, that much I know, but not an idiot either. I can put together a complete sentence. I think I am a good guy and do good deeds. (Oh, and a big one on that: I don't fucking brag about them. I do them. I keep my mouth shut and I move on with life. I am so, so tired of these assholes who do a good thing and then brag about it or plaster it on the Internet or only do it if you do something first. Look, if you want to be a good person (or company) and do a good deed, just fucking do it.)
But, I assure you this isn't what I had planned for a life. When I was 12, or 13, or 14, or 20, or 25, this is not what I had in mind. I love my life, usually. I am blessed in so many ways. Maybe thats it. Maybe we don't get what we want, but we get what we get and we have to realize the negative has to remind us how great the positive is. I guess. Maybe that is the key to all of this. Bad shit happens but bad shit will pass. I have always promised my wife I would take care of her and the family. I have to keep that promise. And I always will.
So, while Simon and Garfunkel reminded me "That's all I'm trying/to get some rest," maybe that rest comes another time. Maybe it comes when I have taken care of them. Maybe this is just a bad phase that will pass. It has to pass. Its just taking longer than any of us would have hoped.
So, at the start of this I was done, as done as done gets, but now, I think I feel better. A little music, a little blogging and a realization that life is good.
Where do I start? Maybe the jackass who left me a message that he wanted to talk to me about a case. Oh yeah, there was no fucking case. The douchebag cocksucker wanted to get me to pay them money to get cases. You know how I get cases? Because despite what some sons of bitches think, I am a good guy. I'd give a client the shirt off my back. Hell, I actually did. I gave a Starbucks gift card to one yesterday because dude needed a cup of coffee worse than I have ever needed one. People hire me because they like me because I am who I am. If I fuck up, I admit it. Ready? I fuck up. A lot. Some of my fuck ups (or are they fucks up) are small. One or two has been big. But I own it. Its my fuck up and I learn from it. So, jackass, fuck off and if you call me again, I promise to unleash a string of profanity that would make sailors proud.
And yes, I am a good guy. Fuck you if you don't think I am. You can kiss my hairy white ass. Seriously. Find 10 people who don't like me. You can't. Its just not possible. I have a list of folks who dont like me. Not people who I may have pissed off now and then. That would be everyone, including my wife. But people who genuinely think I am a bad person or an ass or a piece of crap. There are a couple. They are either wrong or the biggest morons this side of (insert your favorite moron here). I don't quite get it when I get bashed. Maybe, I am wrong. Maybe I am the douche. Its possible. It may even be probable. I don't get it. Fuck it.
Then there is my oldest. What the fuck am I supposed to do? A - He isn't living here so its very difficult to be a good dad. No, its impossible. What the fuck do I do? How do I parent him? I don't know. There is no book for this crap. And the "experts" have no fucking clue what they are talking about. They are idiots. Oh, do this, do that. Really? That shit doesn't actually work in real life. Sorry. Its just not that easy. If it were, I wouldn't be the fucking disaster that I am.
Of course, the more I worry about him, the worse of a father I am to the other three. I lose my temper. I yell. I get pissed off. I try not to. But it takes SO much energy, so much time, so much work. I don't get it. Oh, and don't even get me started about these families like the Duggar's with their 18 or 28 or 48 kids and how much work it is for them. They couldn't hold my fucking jock strap when it comes to dealing with this. They can take their book and shove it. I am so tired of people writing parenting books about how they do it. I don't fucking care how you do it. Wait, maybe that isn't clear enough: I DON'T FUCKING CARE HOW YOU DO IT. Was that clearer? Its great that you are God's gift to parenting. I am not. I just want to make it from one day to the next and not completely fuck my kids up.
The more this bothers me the more I worry about my health. Its not the heart attack that worries me. Its not even the stroke. I take decent care of myself. Its the other nonsense. I know stress is bad for me, but what the hell? I don't have a stress relief magic button. I just have to suck it up. And, the more I internalize it, the harder it gets. I am going to go to the doctor, but why? What is she going to say? So, I get a diagnosis. So what? What does that do for me? It means I know what I have. But how does it actually make me better? It doesn.t It seems like an idiotic proposition.
Of course, I have a diagnosis or three for my kid and that plus a quarter still gets me a pile of crap. Maybe those doctors aren't as smart as we think they are? Or maybe we just don't have a cure or a fix for everything? I don't know. I wish I did.
You know what I know? Nothing. Not a single fucking thing. Wait, I know something. I miss my dad. A lot. I wish he was here to help me figure this out. I don't think I properly appreciated him when he was alive. Screw that, I know I didn't. And I missed him when he passed away. But I miss him even more now feeling like I really need him to figure this stuff out.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I am one fucked up dude. (Its not often I refer to myself as dude, or ever so at least I have some sense of humor. Maybe I am like Jimmy in Seinfeld. Don't bother looking it up if you don't get it. It won't be funny anymore.) You know there are days I sit in my office and look out at the world and wonder why...........why am I doing this? why am I not some drunk on the street? why am I different than the guy who works two jobs and barely makes ends meet? I think I know why.
A lot of it, if not all of it, is my wife. She motivated me to do well in school, or at least better than I had been doing. She made sure I wasn't going to be a bum. And I am pretty bright. Not a fucking genius, that much I know, but not an idiot either. I can put together a complete sentence. I think I am a good guy and do good deeds. (Oh, and a big one on that: I don't fucking brag about them. I do them. I keep my mouth shut and I move on with life. I am so, so tired of these assholes who do a good thing and then brag about it or plaster it on the Internet or only do it if you do something first. Look, if you want to be a good person (or company) and do a good deed, just fucking do it.)
But, I assure you this isn't what I had planned for a life. When I was 12, or 13, or 14, or 20, or 25, this is not what I had in mind. I love my life, usually. I am blessed in so many ways. Maybe thats it. Maybe we don't get what we want, but we get what we get and we have to realize the negative has to remind us how great the positive is. I guess. Maybe that is the key to all of this. Bad shit happens but bad shit will pass. I have always promised my wife I would take care of her and the family. I have to keep that promise. And I always will.
So, while Simon and Garfunkel reminded me "That's all I'm trying/to get some rest," maybe that rest comes another time. Maybe it comes when I have taken care of them. Maybe this is just a bad phase that will pass. It has to pass. Its just taking longer than any of us would have hoped.
So, at the start of this I was done, as done as done gets, but now, I think I feel better. A little music, a little blogging and a realization that life is good.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Business consultants
I am so tired of these people. Business consultants have a theme song. (Oh, by the way, I don't care if you call them marketing consultants, sales consultants, good ole consultants, motivational speakers, or Anthony "Walk on hot coals at my idiotic convention that you paid money for and burn your feet because a fool and his money are soon separated" Robbins. They are all the same.) This is it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C0oCxf-HSI (Warning: There is some profanity.)
Today, I heard an interview with one of these guys. His grand pronouncement: business doesn't give a shit, his words, not mine, about anyone. Huh? Really? Is that what we think? Let me back up. I agree - some businesses don't give a shit. Those would be called bad businesses.
Maybe I am a romantic. Maybe I am naive. Maybe I am a fool. Maybe I am a product of my upbringing. Maybe, its all of the above. Heck, no maybe about it. I am naive. I am a fool. I am a product of my upbringing. Ask my wife if I am a romantic.
Anyway, I grew up hearing this: http://www.jnj.com/wps/wcm/connect/c7933f004f5563df9e22be1bb31559c7/jnj_ourcredo_english_us_8.5x11_cmyk.pdf?MOD=AJPERES (Okay, so you can't hear it. You have to read it, but I heard it as a little kid. Often.) Read the first sentence: "We believe our first responsibility is to the doctors, nurses and patients, to mothers and fathers and all others who use our products and services." Have they failed? Absolutely positively without a doubt yes. But its not called Our Every Day Life. Its called our Credo. Its an aspiration that they live up to - or try to live up to.
And it should be no different for anyone else. I know it works for me. My first responsibility, every day, is to my clients, to the people who trust me to resolve whatever issue they bring to me that day. My first responsibility is not to be an ass, is not to not give a shit, is not to make a killing and count my money all the way to the bank. I have always said the biggest mistake I make is to get to know my clients, and like them as people. A lot of attorneys try not to do that. That's fine. Its their right. For me, this is my business. This is my livelihood. This is how I do things. And I do it by caring.
I find it funny how many consultants have never really done anything with their lives. What, exactly, have you done? You started a business that sells your line of BS to some poor business? That is not actually doing something. What is the positive impact you have made? Taking a business from $1,000,000 in sales to $5,000,000 in sales is not doing something - especially if you are doing it by not giving a shit. Sorry, it doesn't count. You have not done anything.
Look back at the people who make a difference in the world. They have one thing in common: they care about people. They give a shit. Its not just rich folks, its every day folks. You know why I bank where I bank? They actually are interested in what is going on in my life and not just how to make a dollar off of me. You know why I get clients? Its not because I have some magic potion or I have some special skills. Its because when people talk to me, they understand I care.
So I am going to stand up right now and say I am done with business consultants. Those who can do, those who can't consult. Yes, I know this is a generalization and overly broad, but screw it. If the consultants would stand up and say enough is enough about their own brethren, then perhaps I wouldn't need to. But these folks go out there and suck people dry and then wonder why the world hates the businesses they consult with. Think about it. If Allstate actually put you in good hands, you would like them. But they don't care and they can't even fake it. So they are not well liked.
Its time for small business to take a stand and say enough is enough. We are sick and tired of people who want to tell us how to run our businesses. Go away and find someone else to not care about!
Today, I heard an interview with one of these guys. His grand pronouncement: business doesn't give a shit, his words, not mine, about anyone. Huh? Really? Is that what we think? Let me back up. I agree - some businesses don't give a shit. Those would be called bad businesses.
Maybe I am a romantic. Maybe I am naive. Maybe I am a fool. Maybe I am a product of my upbringing. Maybe, its all of the above. Heck, no maybe about it. I am naive. I am a fool. I am a product of my upbringing. Ask my wife if I am a romantic.
Anyway, I grew up hearing this: http://www.jnj.com/wps/wcm/connect/c7933f004f5563df9e22be1bb31559c7/jnj_ourcredo_english_us_8.5x11_cmyk.pdf?MOD=AJPERES (Okay, so you can't hear it. You have to read it, but I heard it as a little kid. Often.) Read the first sentence: "We believe our first responsibility is to the doctors, nurses and patients, to mothers and fathers and all others who use our products and services." Have they failed? Absolutely positively without a doubt yes. But its not called Our Every Day Life. Its called our Credo. Its an aspiration that they live up to - or try to live up to.
And it should be no different for anyone else. I know it works for me. My first responsibility, every day, is to my clients, to the people who trust me to resolve whatever issue they bring to me that day. My first responsibility is not to be an ass, is not to not give a shit, is not to make a killing and count my money all the way to the bank. I have always said the biggest mistake I make is to get to know my clients, and like them as people. A lot of attorneys try not to do that. That's fine. Its their right. For me, this is my business. This is my livelihood. This is how I do things. And I do it by caring.
I find it funny how many consultants have never really done anything with their lives. What, exactly, have you done? You started a business that sells your line of BS to some poor business? That is not actually doing something. What is the positive impact you have made? Taking a business from $1,000,000 in sales to $5,000,000 in sales is not doing something - especially if you are doing it by not giving a shit. Sorry, it doesn't count. You have not done anything.
Look back at the people who make a difference in the world. They have one thing in common: they care about people. They give a shit. Its not just rich folks, its every day folks. You know why I bank where I bank? They actually are interested in what is going on in my life and not just how to make a dollar off of me. You know why I get clients? Its not because I have some magic potion or I have some special skills. Its because when people talk to me, they understand I care.
So I am going to stand up right now and say I am done with business consultants. Those who can do, those who can't consult. Yes, I know this is a generalization and overly broad, but screw it. If the consultants would stand up and say enough is enough about their own brethren, then perhaps I wouldn't need to. But these folks go out there and suck people dry and then wonder why the world hates the businesses they consult with. Think about it. If Allstate actually put you in good hands, you would like them. But they don't care and they can't even fake it. So they are not well liked.
Its time for small business to take a stand and say enough is enough. We are sick and tired of people who want to tell us how to run our businesses. Go away and find someone else to not care about!
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Victory: A review
Please do not confuse me with Siskel and Ebert or Ebert and Roeper or any actual movie critic. Well, maybe Mark S. Allen because he seems to like every movie that comes out, especially if it gets his name on the ads. Seriously, that dude has liked more movies in the last 2 years than I have liked in my lifetime. Either he needs better taste in movies or he needs to just stop pimping the movies.
However, here I go with my first movie review: Victory. In some places, it is called Escape to Victory. I may have seen this movie more than any other living human being. Its a favorite. (In the interest of full disclosure, I knew one of the guys in the movie from the time I was 7 and he was friends with my dad.)
It is a World War II soccer movie. Here is the plot: there is a group of POWs. The Nazis want to get some good PR so they set up a soccer game between the POWs and the German national team. The POWs want to escape during the soccer game. Simple enough concept.
This may be one of the best sports movies - ever. Raging Bull is on the list. But none of this Rudy nonsense or Hoosiers or Rocky. Okay, so Rocky was a lot of fun and Hoosiers was a good movie. But Rudy stunk the place up. Seriously. Could it have been any more predictable? Hey, the kid gets in for a play. YAY! Such great folks at Notre Dame. (Sadly, parts of the story are just not true. I hate to ruin your joy of that movie.)
Here is my problem with sports movies: we know the ending. Hoosiers they win. Rudy plays football. Miracle they win. Win, win, win, win, win. Victory: they don't win. Nope, they don't. That is what makes it so great. The end of the movie is a compelling soccer game with actual soccer. There is a rainbow, crossing, shots that miss the goal, and the most amazing bicycle kick you will ever see. (Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCJBXfKtOiM) There is also the less pretty side of soccer. The late challenges, the dirty slide tackle, the shirt grabbing and even a punch.
But they dont win the game. Its not the "Oh yay, the good guys win. I feel so good about myself." Skillwise the good guys could have won. But it wasnt about that. It was about taking the Eastern Europeans and bringing them into the team so they could get a meal, a shower, a trip. It was about the teamwork. It was about coming together. It wasn't about winning.
This is simply a great movie. You should go take a shot at it. Its not always easy to find, but if you can, spend 90 minutes of your life enjoying it.
However, here I go with my first movie review: Victory. In some places, it is called Escape to Victory. I may have seen this movie more than any other living human being. Its a favorite. (In the interest of full disclosure, I knew one of the guys in the movie from the time I was 7 and he was friends with my dad.)
It is a World War II soccer movie. Here is the plot: there is a group of POWs. The Nazis want to get some good PR so they set up a soccer game between the POWs and the German national team. The POWs want to escape during the soccer game. Simple enough concept.
This may be one of the best sports movies - ever. Raging Bull is on the list. But none of this Rudy nonsense or Hoosiers or Rocky. Okay, so Rocky was a lot of fun and Hoosiers was a good movie. But Rudy stunk the place up. Seriously. Could it have been any more predictable? Hey, the kid gets in for a play. YAY! Such great folks at Notre Dame. (Sadly, parts of the story are just not true. I hate to ruin your joy of that movie.)
Here is my problem with sports movies: we know the ending. Hoosiers they win. Rudy plays football. Miracle they win. Win, win, win, win, win. Victory: they don't win. Nope, they don't. That is what makes it so great. The end of the movie is a compelling soccer game with actual soccer. There is a rainbow, crossing, shots that miss the goal, and the most amazing bicycle kick you will ever see. (Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCJBXfKtOiM) There is also the less pretty side of soccer. The late challenges, the dirty slide tackle, the shirt grabbing and even a punch.
But they dont win the game. Its not the "Oh yay, the good guys win. I feel so good about myself." Skillwise the good guys could have won. But it wasnt about that. It was about taking the Eastern Europeans and bringing them into the team so they could get a meal, a shower, a trip. It was about the teamwork. It was about coming together. It wasn't about winning.
This is simply a great movie. You should go take a shot at it. Its not always easy to find, but if you can, spend 90 minutes of your life enjoying it.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
More on my legacy
I have written about my thoughts on my legacy before. I would normally tell you to go look, but I am in a nice mood tonight. So its here: http://randomrants08.blogspot.com/2012/01/2012.html. Isn't that nice of me?
Tonight, as we drove home from the State Fair, I looked up and saw a sign for the USMC. I had thought about being a Marine. Don't laugh. I wasn't a great student in high school, or middle school, or elementary school, or pretty much any school after pre-school and before law school. So maybe the military was the right way to go. But I didn't do that. Anyway, I realized that Marines leave something behind. Just a little bit of themselves every time they go to some foreign country to protect people or fight or whatever you want to call it. Its their legacy.
I thought about this on Friday. My wife and I were talking and trying to come up with some solutions to a problem. She said something like "If your dad were alive, he would know who to call." I came up with a name. HA! Seriously, I found someone to call. But, it turns out it was someone my dad worked with and someone who respected my dad. In fact, when he called me back, we talked about my dad for a bit. I enjoyed that conversation. (It also has made me miss my dad more. But that is for another day.)
I realized after I hung up the phone that my dad's legacy was more than I thought. I hadn't talked to this guy in 20 years or so. Yet, I called and left a message using my dad's name. I got a call back. My dad made such an impression that even though he passed away 9, almost 10 years ago, his name still makes people think.
So what is my legacy? If I were to disappear tomorrow, why would people remember me? Would people remember the bad, my mistakes, my fuck ups? Would they remember me as a father? As a husband? As a brother? (I would bet no.) As a son? Maybe. But would they remember me for more? Would they think "Hmmm..........the world was a bit better because Jon was here?" I don't know. And quite frankly, that scares me. Am I really going to leave the world a worse place than it was before I came?
I sure hope not. I have time to leave some legacy. But maybe I am trying to hard. Maybe it just happens. I don't think so. My dad left an impression because of who he was. He made an impression on everyone. He left the world a better place. I wonder if I will do the same...............
Tonight, as we drove home from the State Fair, I looked up and saw a sign for the USMC. I had thought about being a Marine. Don't laugh. I wasn't a great student in high school, or middle school, or elementary school, or pretty much any school after pre-school and before law school. So maybe the military was the right way to go. But I didn't do that. Anyway, I realized that Marines leave something behind. Just a little bit of themselves every time they go to some foreign country to protect people or fight or whatever you want to call it. Its their legacy.
I thought about this on Friday. My wife and I were talking and trying to come up with some solutions to a problem. She said something like "If your dad were alive, he would know who to call." I came up with a name. HA! Seriously, I found someone to call. But, it turns out it was someone my dad worked with and someone who respected my dad. In fact, when he called me back, we talked about my dad for a bit. I enjoyed that conversation. (It also has made me miss my dad more. But that is for another day.)
I realized after I hung up the phone that my dad's legacy was more than I thought. I hadn't talked to this guy in 20 years or so. Yet, I called and left a message using my dad's name. I got a call back. My dad made such an impression that even though he passed away 9, almost 10 years ago, his name still makes people think.
So what is my legacy? If I were to disappear tomorrow, why would people remember me? Would people remember the bad, my mistakes, my fuck ups? Would they remember me as a father? As a husband? As a brother? (I would bet no.) As a son? Maybe. But would they remember me for more? Would they think "Hmmm..........the world was a bit better because Jon was here?" I don't know. And quite frankly, that scares me. Am I really going to leave the world a worse place than it was before I came?
I sure hope not. I have time to leave some legacy. But maybe I am trying to hard. Maybe it just happens. I don't think so. My dad left an impression because of who he was. He made an impression on everyone. He left the world a better place. I wonder if I will do the same...............
Friday, July 13, 2012
I want to cry
I want to cry. No, I really want to cry. I dont even know if crying is what I want to do. I want to yell and scream. I want to do something, anything.
This sucks. No, this sucked about 15 months ago. Whatever is worse than sucks, thats what this does. 15 months ago we had to place our then 11 year old, now 12 year old son, in a psychiatric hospital. He had lived in a group home for a number of years but, for a variety of reasons (and I won't rip the woman who runs the group home right now although I want to), he could no longer live there. So what other choices did we have?
You see, California is the land of opportunity. Unless you happen to be autistic with mental health issues. Then California is the land of lip service. As in "We really care about everyone." Or maybe "We really want to take care of our citizens." So what do we do? We give them all kinds of rights and then we say fuck you. You have the right to use the phone. Oh, you want to go to a therapeutic program that might help you? FUCK YOU. You have the right to lock your door. Oh, you want to get better so you can leave? FUCK YOU. California - the land of FUCK YOU.
I don't understand how things work. I dont think its because I am a fucking moron, although clearly I am. I think its because things dont work, and they clearly dont.
15 months into a 30 day placement........that is not a typo. 30 days he was going to be there while they found someplace new. You know what? Its been 15 fucking months and no one has found anything new. You know what they have found? Nothing. Why? Because why would we expect them to work at this. We found places. Several. One we really liked. We found it 3 years ago.
Today, I got told that they agree that place would be great. But the idiots who run the legislature have passed a new bill that goes into effect immediately. It makes it so we cant place kids out of state. Why? To save money. Um, earth to you fucking douches in the legislature: if you don't help kids with mental health issues, they become adults with more significant mental health issues that cost you more money. Oh, I know. You kicked the problem down the road another decade when none of you will have to deal with this.
I dont understand. Someone please explain to me how keeping a 12 year old locked into a pysch hospital is a good thing? You know what we did for his birthday? McDonalds and cake. No, we didn't take him with us. He cant leave. We dont even have any pictures of him in the last 15 months. None. I cant take my kid to lunch.
Do you know how crappy this feels? Does anyone who makes any fucking decisions have any idea how this impacts people? Talk about putting salt in a wound, I had to cancel my fundraiser in his honor because of a lack of support. And now this.
He frustrates me sometimes. Not him, but his disease. He calls and ignores me. He doesnt want to talk to me. He gets mad. I know its not him. But it hurts. I cant be a father to my own kid. I had so many dreams for him. So many hopes. Gone. All fucking gone. And now I get to find out that he is going to be in a psych hospital indefinitely. Why? Because there is no other placement. The legislature took that away from me.
So dear legislature: FUCK YOU. You have no idea how the rest of the world works. You live in your little bubbles and you can ignore the problems that real people face because you will get out of your bullshit job and go get another bullshit consulting job making more than 90% of us. And all you do is screw things up.
I would give the world for this kid. I would do anything to let him come home, let him go to a place where he can go play at the park, chase his brothers, fly a kite, eat a fucking hamburger at a restaurant. And I cant.
I think I am going to go cry the rest of the day.
This sucks. No, this sucked about 15 months ago. Whatever is worse than sucks, thats what this does. 15 months ago we had to place our then 11 year old, now 12 year old son, in a psychiatric hospital. He had lived in a group home for a number of years but, for a variety of reasons (and I won't rip the woman who runs the group home right now although I want to), he could no longer live there. So what other choices did we have?
You see, California is the land of opportunity. Unless you happen to be autistic with mental health issues. Then California is the land of lip service. As in "We really care about everyone." Or maybe "We really want to take care of our citizens." So what do we do? We give them all kinds of rights and then we say fuck you. You have the right to use the phone. Oh, you want to go to a therapeutic program that might help you? FUCK YOU. You have the right to lock your door. Oh, you want to get better so you can leave? FUCK YOU. California - the land of FUCK YOU.
I don't understand how things work. I dont think its because I am a fucking moron, although clearly I am. I think its because things dont work, and they clearly dont.
15 months into a 30 day placement........that is not a typo. 30 days he was going to be there while they found someplace new. You know what? Its been 15 fucking months and no one has found anything new. You know what they have found? Nothing. Why? Because why would we expect them to work at this. We found places. Several. One we really liked. We found it 3 years ago.
Today, I got told that they agree that place would be great. But the idiots who run the legislature have passed a new bill that goes into effect immediately. It makes it so we cant place kids out of state. Why? To save money. Um, earth to you fucking douches in the legislature: if you don't help kids with mental health issues, they become adults with more significant mental health issues that cost you more money. Oh, I know. You kicked the problem down the road another decade when none of you will have to deal with this.
I dont understand. Someone please explain to me how keeping a 12 year old locked into a pysch hospital is a good thing? You know what we did for his birthday? McDonalds and cake. No, we didn't take him with us. He cant leave. We dont even have any pictures of him in the last 15 months. None. I cant take my kid to lunch.
Do you know how crappy this feels? Does anyone who makes any fucking decisions have any idea how this impacts people? Talk about putting salt in a wound, I had to cancel my fundraiser in his honor because of a lack of support. And now this.
He frustrates me sometimes. Not him, but his disease. He calls and ignores me. He doesnt want to talk to me. He gets mad. I know its not him. But it hurts. I cant be a father to my own kid. I had so many dreams for him. So many hopes. Gone. All fucking gone. And now I get to find out that he is going to be in a psych hospital indefinitely. Why? Because there is no other placement. The legislature took that away from me.
So dear legislature: FUCK YOU. You have no idea how the rest of the world works. You live in your little bubbles and you can ignore the problems that real people face because you will get out of your bullshit job and go get another bullshit consulting job making more than 90% of us. And all you do is screw things up.
I would give the world for this kid. I would do anything to let him come home, let him go to a place where he can go play at the park, chase his brothers, fly a kite, eat a fucking hamburger at a restaurant. And I cant.
I think I am going to go cry the rest of the day.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Sometimes I hate the Internet
Sometimes I really do hate it. Okay, not hate it. Maybe dislike it strongly. And not even the Internet. The Internet is neither good nor evil. Its the piece of crap trolls who are evil.
I wrote a short article for my local Patch website called "A Call to End Personal Attacks." You can read it here: http://elkgrove.patch.com/blog_posts/a-call-to-end-personal-attacks Its pretty simple: I thought our town would be better served if people would stop attacking each other and would address the issues. Apparently, I am a moron.
Why am I a moron? Because people turn around and attack me for such a ridiculous position. I mean, how dare I suggest that people act reasonably and behave? It is easy to sit and snipe from behind the anonymity of the Internet. (I like it with a capital I. I am like Al Gore. I invented this dang Internet thingy.) After all, if no one knows who we are, no one can strike back. So people make up fake screen names, like say, A Ranter, and you can take pot shots.
The problem is that you are taking pot shots at real people. Okay, don't call me hypocritical. I know I have taken shots at folks like Pit Bull, pot smokers, Larry Bovine. But I take my shots and a) everyone knows who I am and b) its nothing about them having no friends or being crappy human beings. Even my shots at Bovine were based on his elevator speech about being a Nazi doctor. But, I do get it.
Its one reason I take fewer shots at people. Over the last 18 months, I have become more understanding that people aren't perfect, we all fuck up, and we all deserve a 2nd, maybe even a 3rd or 4th change. I may take the occasional shot at people, like the white dude driving the Altima blasting his rap with his hat on sideways. But I don't tell him that his mother is ugly and his sister is a tramp. Nor do I say he has no friends or his kid's teachers hate him.
Even people I really hate, there are lines. I would never attack someone's family, their spouse, or their kids. I would never tell you that you are a bad human being. I will laugh at you and mock you if you go on tv and think you can sing when you can't. I know I have my weaknesses, but I admit them up front.
Anyway, back to my point: its high time we stop being assholes online. Its easy to sit and hide and take your shots. A real man, a man's man, if you will, takes his shots and lets everyone know who he is. He takes his shots and doesn't hide. And he doesn't back down. If I don't like you, you will know it. But I wont hide. That, my friends, is a promise.
I wrote a short article for my local Patch website called "A Call to End Personal Attacks." You can read it here: http://elkgrove.patch.com/blog_posts/a-call-to-end-personal-attacks Its pretty simple: I thought our town would be better served if people would stop attacking each other and would address the issues. Apparently, I am a moron.
Why am I a moron? Because people turn around and attack me for such a ridiculous position. I mean, how dare I suggest that people act reasonably and behave? It is easy to sit and snipe from behind the anonymity of the Internet. (I like it with a capital I. I am like Al Gore. I invented this dang Internet thingy.) After all, if no one knows who we are, no one can strike back. So people make up fake screen names, like say, A Ranter, and you can take pot shots.
The problem is that you are taking pot shots at real people. Okay, don't call me hypocritical. I know I have taken shots at folks like Pit Bull, pot smokers, Larry Bovine. But I take my shots and a) everyone knows who I am and b) its nothing about them having no friends or being crappy human beings. Even my shots at Bovine were based on his elevator speech about being a Nazi doctor. But, I do get it.
Its one reason I take fewer shots at people. Over the last 18 months, I have become more understanding that people aren't perfect, we all fuck up, and we all deserve a 2nd, maybe even a 3rd or 4th change. I may take the occasional shot at people, like the white dude driving the Altima blasting his rap with his hat on sideways. But I don't tell him that his mother is ugly and his sister is a tramp. Nor do I say he has no friends or his kid's teachers hate him.
Even people I really hate, there are lines. I would never attack someone's family, their spouse, or their kids. I would never tell you that you are a bad human being. I will laugh at you and mock you if you go on tv and think you can sing when you can't. I know I have my weaknesses, but I admit them up front.
Anyway, back to my point: its high time we stop being assholes online. Its easy to sit and hide and take your shots. A real man, a man's man, if you will, takes his shots and lets everyone know who he is. He takes his shots and doesn't hide. And he doesn't back down. If I don't like you, you will know it. But I wont hide. That, my friends, is a promise.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
People are just pissing me off......
Lets see how fast I can pound this out.
1. What is up with the white guy in the Nissan Altima in the suburbs blasting the rap? Sorry. You don't have cred. You don't get points for blasting music trying to think you are cool. Once you are over, say, 27, you can't blast rap and think you are cool. Especially in the burbs. Really? Dude, you look like a douche. Is it that big of a deal to have people think you look cool? Oh, and a Nissan Altima screams "FAMILY CAR" not "RAP CAR." Turn the bass down, roll up the windows and put on your Barry Freaking Manilow. We all know you are a Fanilow.
2. How hard is it for people to actually do their jobs? I don't mean fake it. I mean really do their jobs. If your job is to have a meeting every 30 days and update people, can you do it? One meeting every 30 days. Is it really that hard? If it is, that's cool. Just let me know. But at least set my expectations right. Look, all I ask is that you do your job. Don't even have to do it well. Just do it. Just fake it. Please?
3. I am so tired of people saying "Don't threaten to sue me." Or some such nonsense. Just so we are clear. I don't threaten to sue people. I actually do sue people. And I enjoy it. Twice today I had people tell me I was just threatening them. No, they threaten. I do. Its not that hard. I know how to do it. I think I am pretty good at it. I always say I am not that good at too many things, but I know soccer and I know my way around a courtroom. I still have a lot to learn, but I promise you I have never threatened to sue someone. I may warn you, but I don't make idle threats.
4. Athletes should all go spend a month living like a real person. I am so tired of whining and complaining from these people. And not just the athletes. The people who cover them. Really, we need to make excuses for Drew Brees wanting an extra $10 million? Great, he wants it. His boss doesn't want to pay him. He should show the fuck up anyway because he has an agreement. Show up and play. If you don't like it, quit. But don't whine and complain about it. Trust me, anyone I know would take $10 million, hell would take $1 million and be happy. Just shut up and play. And the folks who cover these athletes? Don't try to justify it to us. There is no justification arguing over a couple of extra million dollars.
5. Lets see, I need a 5. I like the list of 5. Otherwise, 4 looks lame. Me. There you go. I piss myself off. I am an idiot sometimes. (No, don't post your comment about me being a good guy or being too hard on myself. Its not a pity party.) I just dont freaking get myself sometimes. Whats the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Yep, thats me. I am insane. I think I should take my car (oh, and if you drive some Infinity or some such nonsense, you are not cool because you race past me at 70 in a 45 zone - I beat your sorry ass off the line - that is all anyone cares about) and drive for a while. Then maybe I can stop being bothered by these idiots. Or life.
Okay, done. Short and sweet. You can now go back to your regularly scheduled day.
1. What is up with the white guy in the Nissan Altima in the suburbs blasting the rap? Sorry. You don't have cred. You don't get points for blasting music trying to think you are cool. Once you are over, say, 27, you can't blast rap and think you are cool. Especially in the burbs. Really? Dude, you look like a douche. Is it that big of a deal to have people think you look cool? Oh, and a Nissan Altima screams "FAMILY CAR" not "RAP CAR." Turn the bass down, roll up the windows and put on your Barry Freaking Manilow. We all know you are a Fanilow.
2. How hard is it for people to actually do their jobs? I don't mean fake it. I mean really do their jobs. If your job is to have a meeting every 30 days and update people, can you do it? One meeting every 30 days. Is it really that hard? If it is, that's cool. Just let me know. But at least set my expectations right. Look, all I ask is that you do your job. Don't even have to do it well. Just do it. Just fake it. Please?
3. I am so tired of people saying "Don't threaten to sue me." Or some such nonsense. Just so we are clear. I don't threaten to sue people. I actually do sue people. And I enjoy it. Twice today I had people tell me I was just threatening them. No, they threaten. I do. Its not that hard. I know how to do it. I think I am pretty good at it. I always say I am not that good at too many things, but I know soccer and I know my way around a courtroom. I still have a lot to learn, but I promise you I have never threatened to sue someone. I may warn you, but I don't make idle threats.
4. Athletes should all go spend a month living like a real person. I am so tired of whining and complaining from these people. And not just the athletes. The people who cover them. Really, we need to make excuses for Drew Brees wanting an extra $10 million? Great, he wants it. His boss doesn't want to pay him. He should show the fuck up anyway because he has an agreement. Show up and play. If you don't like it, quit. But don't whine and complain about it. Trust me, anyone I know would take $10 million, hell would take $1 million and be happy. Just shut up and play. And the folks who cover these athletes? Don't try to justify it to us. There is no justification arguing over a couple of extra million dollars.
5. Lets see, I need a 5. I like the list of 5. Otherwise, 4 looks lame. Me. There you go. I piss myself off. I am an idiot sometimes. (No, don't post your comment about me being a good guy or being too hard on myself. Its not a pity party.) I just dont freaking get myself sometimes. Whats the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Yep, thats me. I am insane. I think I should take my car (oh, and if you drive some Infinity or some such nonsense, you are not cool because you race past me at 70 in a 45 zone - I beat your sorry ass off the line - that is all anyone cares about) and drive for a while. Then maybe I can stop being bothered by these idiots. Or life.
Okay, done. Short and sweet. You can now go back to your regularly scheduled day.
Friday, July 6, 2012
A sad day
So today I had to make a tough decision. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn't that tough. But it wasn't easy. I had to cancel a fundraiser.
A little background. My mom passed away a year ago. She died from breast cancer. It sucked. I decided to do something to honor her memory so I held a 24 hour soccer game called Soccer for the Cure. We donated the money, over $6,000, to Susan G Komen. Great. Wonderful. But I wanted to change it up this year. I wanted to do something to honor my 12 year old who is autistic. So, I came up with Soccer Speaks, a 12 1/2 hour soccer game to raise money for Autism Speaks.
Today, I cancelled the game that was supposed to be played in 2 weeks. Why? Because people suck. Yep. Let me just be perfectly clear. People fucking suck.
You see, I live in a town that wants to get an MLS team. Read through the archives and you will see I have blasted this idea before as dumb, stupid, idiotic, run by morons, and one of the worst ideas of my lifetime. This makes Ron Popeil look like a fucking genius. By the way, for those of you who do not know, MLS stands for Major League Soccer. What's that last word? Oh yeah, soccer. What are the chances of MLS coming to Elk Grove? Slim and none? WRONG! None and none.
But you know what? You want to get the attention of MLS? Ride my coattails. I would have been fine with it. MLS tweeted about Soccer for the Cure last year and about Soccer Speaks this year. I am followed on twitter by soccer folks. I know soccer. I dont know much, but I know I love you......oh wait, different post. I dont know much, but I know soccer. I had the attention of MLS. So if you were some small town outside of Sacramento and wanted to get on their radar what would you do? Oh yeah, support something like this.
Do you know what my town did? Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. Oh, when I ranted about MLS coming to town as being idiotic I was asked to give them a chance. That was your chance. You had a chance. You could have shown me I was wrong and that we could support professional sports when we can't finish building a mall. But you know what? I wasn't wrong. And this proves it.
So, Dear City Council for Hire, er, City Cou-weworkforwhoeverdonatesthemostmoney-ncil, er, City Co-nflictofinterest-uncil, you screwed this up. Oh, don't worry. You are not alone. You had plenty of help. But if you spend one dime of taxpayer money on this piece of crap idea run by a guy who has used his influence to get his convicted felon of a son a lower sentence, I will show up at every meeting and point out how stupid you are. I know, I don't have the money to pay you, er, donate to you so I can get what I want. But I do have the loudest mouth in Elk Grove. Just ask the school district.
As for you, Elk Grove "soccer" community, I use that term loosely. No, not community. Soccer. You think you support soccer? Could we have a more screwed up soccer community? I doubt it. We don't just have one league. We have like 6. Why? Because the adults continue to screw this up and ruin it for the kids. We really need more than one competitive club? Really? No. You adults need more than one so you can each wield your "influence" and think you are important. You think you know soccer? This is an open invitation to come play in my weekly game any time you want. That is soccer. What you do is a travesty.
You couldn't support a fundraiser? Really? Why? Because it wasn't your idea? You know what - you don't have any good ideas. You have ideas that make you think you are smart and cool and whatever. You get an F for promoting soccer.
And that goes for the rest of the soccer area around us. We call it District VI. Not 6. That would be the American thing to do. We call it VI so we seem European. We aren't. We are American. But I digress. I went and talked to the presidents of all of the leagues. The response? Ridiculously low. Really? You couldn't encourage your players and parents and coaches to support this? That is more of an indictment of you and your "leadership" than it is of me.
So I am ticked. I am sad. I feel like I let down my son. I feel like I let down the people who had helped me up until this point. I also feel like I was let down by the "soccer" people who have no fucking clue as to what they are doing and have the leadership skills of communist Soviet Union.
A little background. My mom passed away a year ago. She died from breast cancer. It sucked. I decided to do something to honor her memory so I held a 24 hour soccer game called Soccer for the Cure. We donated the money, over $6,000, to Susan G Komen. Great. Wonderful. But I wanted to change it up this year. I wanted to do something to honor my 12 year old who is autistic. So, I came up with Soccer Speaks, a 12 1/2 hour soccer game to raise money for Autism Speaks.
Today, I cancelled the game that was supposed to be played in 2 weeks. Why? Because people suck. Yep. Let me just be perfectly clear. People fucking suck.
You see, I live in a town that wants to get an MLS team. Read through the archives and you will see I have blasted this idea before as dumb, stupid, idiotic, run by morons, and one of the worst ideas of my lifetime. This makes Ron Popeil look like a fucking genius. By the way, for those of you who do not know, MLS stands for Major League Soccer. What's that last word? Oh yeah, soccer. What are the chances of MLS coming to Elk Grove? Slim and none? WRONG! None and none.
But you know what? You want to get the attention of MLS? Ride my coattails. I would have been fine with it. MLS tweeted about Soccer for the Cure last year and about Soccer Speaks this year. I am followed on twitter by soccer folks. I know soccer. I dont know much, but I know I love you......oh wait, different post. I dont know much, but I know soccer. I had the attention of MLS. So if you were some small town outside of Sacramento and wanted to get on their radar what would you do? Oh yeah, support something like this.
Do you know what my town did? Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. Oh, when I ranted about MLS coming to town as being idiotic I was asked to give them a chance. That was your chance. You had a chance. You could have shown me I was wrong and that we could support professional sports when we can't finish building a mall. But you know what? I wasn't wrong. And this proves it.
So, Dear City Council for Hire, er, City Cou-weworkforwhoeverdonatesthemostmoney-ncil, er, City Co-nflictofinterest-uncil, you screwed this up. Oh, don't worry. You are not alone. You had plenty of help. But if you spend one dime of taxpayer money on this piece of crap idea run by a guy who has used his influence to get his convicted felon of a son a lower sentence, I will show up at every meeting and point out how stupid you are. I know, I don't have the money to pay you, er, donate to you so I can get what I want. But I do have the loudest mouth in Elk Grove. Just ask the school district.
As for you, Elk Grove "soccer" community, I use that term loosely. No, not community. Soccer. You think you support soccer? Could we have a more screwed up soccer community? I doubt it. We don't just have one league. We have like 6. Why? Because the adults continue to screw this up and ruin it for the kids. We really need more than one competitive club? Really? No. You adults need more than one so you can each wield your "influence" and think you are important. You think you know soccer? This is an open invitation to come play in my weekly game any time you want. That is soccer. What you do is a travesty.
You couldn't support a fundraiser? Really? Why? Because it wasn't your idea? You know what - you don't have any good ideas. You have ideas that make you think you are smart and cool and whatever. You get an F for promoting soccer.
And that goes for the rest of the soccer area around us. We call it District VI. Not 6. That would be the American thing to do. We call it VI so we seem European. We aren't. We are American. But I digress. I went and talked to the presidents of all of the leagues. The response? Ridiculously low. Really? You couldn't encourage your players and parents and coaches to support this? That is more of an indictment of you and your "leadership" than it is of me.
So I am ticked. I am sad. I feel like I let down my son. I feel like I let down the people who had helped me up until this point. I also feel like I was let down by the "soccer" people who have no fucking clue as to what they are doing and have the leadership skills of communist Soviet Union.
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