One Year

So today is it. Its the day I have dreaded for the last 365 days. Its 1 year since my mom died. Its 1 year since I lost my last parent. I dont have any more. And it sucks.

I sit here and I feel numb, I feel sad, I feel...........something. I am not quite sure what it is. I have had a full range of emotions today. I have had tears in my eyes. I have had rage and wanted to kick the crap out of someone. I still do want to kick the crap out of him. I felt happy, nostalgia. I dont know what it is.

I think I feel scared. Its odd. I bet if you took a poll of people who know me, people wouldnt guess that. Hell, I talked to 30, 40 people today. I bet none of them knew there was an issue. But, my dad died at 62. My mom at 70. What the hell? Its not like these were freak accidents or something that can be explained. Heart attack. Cancer. What does that mean for my future? Am I really down to 30 or so years? Less than that?

I dont know what to think. I have no family, other than my wife and kids. (Yes, they are my family, but you know what I mean.) My sister is dead. My brother doesnt talk to me. My aunts and uncles think I am the devil. Hell, not even my cousins like me. I dont know what it is. Wait, yes, I do. They dont like the decisions I have made. Well, fuck them. I dont always like the decisions I have made either. But they are my fucking decisions.

They all sit and judge me. Jon didnt do this right, Jon didnt do that right. Well, walk a fucking mile in my shoes. Hell, walk half a mile. My dad understood my decisions. I knew when he passed away life would get more difficult with my mom. Its not her. Its us. She and I. We are both stubborn and both know we are always right. Well, sometimes being right is stupid. I know that know. I didnt know that 10 years ago. Live and learn, right?

So I sit here. The Zombies came on the radio. (If you dont know who they are, listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfwFpRnOeGg) I thought back to my high school days, driving my dad to the beach, listening to his oldies. I miss those days. They are gone, gone, gone.

So I dont know. Am I supposed to sit here and cry? Am I supposed to think back to the good times and smile? My mom once bought me a candy bar because I had to have a thorn taken out of my freaking foot. That was funny. My dad once caught me ditching school - I did it one freaking time and I got caught. But he let it go. I sit here now and I dont know what to do.

Its been a year. I miss my mom. Strange, since we were never that close. But I miss her. I miss knowing she was there. I miss knowing that she was around.

What the fuck? Is this how it is supposed to be? I feel bad for my wife and kids. I havent been pleasant the last few days. And Monday is my dad's 72nd birthday. But I wont be with my wife because of some fucking piece of crap attorney who cant fucking read the English language but could pass the bar exam.

So I sit and sit and think. And I cry a bit. And I miss them. And I worry. And I realize life will go on. It may get easier. It may not. But life goes on................Oh, and I am one lucky dumbass sometimes for having an amazing wife, great kids and friends who put up with me nonsense.