Thoughts on Family

I don't know where to start. Do I write about the end of the period of mourning? Do I write about the challenges in life? Do I write about 2nd chances? How about the value of a run in clearing my head? I don't know. So lets see where this road takes us.

Its been a challenge, this life. Not every day, but a lot of days. 4 kids are a lot to deal with in a perfect world. Add in a little mental illness and its a mess some days. I miss Tyler so much. He isn't here and its different. He hasn't been here in years, but this feels different. Not permanent, but the distance is too great. I can't see him every week. I can't take him to Red Robin or even to the house to play.

And I feel like I have lost control. I can't make decisions. Decisions are being made for us - without us. It hurts. I am still his father. Alison is still his mother. We are his parents. We have been from the beginning. It should be my decision. Its not, but it should be.

Then, I look over and I see my wife going through a book with the baby. The baby...........I don't understand her. Why is she here? Is she proof that there is a God? During my run, I listened to Live - not live music, Live, the band. Listen to their song Heaven. "I don't need no one to tell me about heaven/I look at my daughter, and I believe."

I wasn't always religious. I mean, I was, but I didn't always have a place for God. I don't mean a place like Tim Tebow. Nothing wrong with Tebow, its just not my way. But I was 29 when my dad died and I was a pissed off 29 year old. I was upset with so many things. But, mostly with myself for not having been there for him that last week.

Then my baby was born. It changed my view. She was a reminder that there was a God, if not God, then a power, a something that I can't explain. She wasn't supposed to be. It was not just against the odds, but it was impossible. And yet, I look over and there is the most amazing, most beautiful 2 year old in the whole world.

I heard the other day that people need hope. People who have hope will survive, will pull through the difficult times. I forgot that for a while. I lost hope. There were some bad days, some sad days. But my baby - she reminded me there is hope. So maybe she doesn't prove there is a God, maybe she just proves there should always be hope. Should I have named her Hope?

A lot going on lately............There have been mistakes made. There have been times when I have questioned my ability to think, my judgment, myself. There have been times when I have wondered about who I am. Then I look at my baby and I realize I am who I am.

I see now that I am lucky. Lucky for my family. Its hard sometimes. It sucks sometimes, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.