Actual Conversation with a Debt Collector

I got a call from a debt collector today. This is the actual conversation. Honest. Okay, I changed the name of the debt collector. His name is not Mr. Bill. And my client is not Mrs. X, but her name is confidential.

Ring........ring.........ring.............

Me: This is Jonathan.
Debt collector: This is Mr. Bill. I am calling about our mutual client Mrs X.
Me: I'm sorry. You are representing Mrs X too? In what capacity?
DC: Well, um, we represent Y debt collection agency.
Me: Oh, see I represent Mrs X so she is my client. She is not your client.
DC: Yes, but she owes us money.
Me: If you say so.
DC: How would she like to resolve this?
Me: You should just go away.
DC: Excuse me?
Me: You should just go away.
DC: Is she refusing to pay?
Me: No.
DC: So how would she like to resolve this?
Me: You should just go away. I thought I said that before.
DC: I dont understand.
Me: Look, she hasnt worked in over a year. She has no money to pay you.
DC: She can borrow money from her friends or family.
Me: Um, yeah, they dont have any money either. She is in significant debt and has had a medical emergency. There is no money.
DC: We can just take a small payment.
Me: Okay, here is what I will do. I will give you $50 out of my account to make this go away.
DC: So a $50 down payment?
Me: No. $50. Total.
DC: We can't accept that. The balance is $6,500.
Me: Well, you can take my $50 or you will never get any money.
DC: Are you filing bankruptcy for her?
Me: No.
DC: I dont understand.
Me: I am not a bankruptcy attorney. I don't file bankruptcy.
DC: Then why are you representing her?
Me: I sue debt collectors.
DC: What?
Me: I sue debt collectors. You know, people like you.
DC: Well she still has to take care of the balance.
Me: Okay, apparently I was not clear. My client hasnt worked in over a year. She has medical bills from a medical emergency. She has no money. I will give you $50 now or you can get nothing later.
DC: $50 is not enough.
Me: Then I guess nothing is better.
DC: She has to pay us money.
Me: Great. I will give you $50 right now.
DC: So she is refusing to pay?
Me: No. I will give you $50 to settle the account right now.
DC: That is not reasonable.
Me: Well, its $50 or nothing.
DC: So she is refusing to pay?
Me: (Audible sigh) I am sorry. Am I not clear? I guess I need to call my high school speech coach and apologize to him. I guess I was not paying attention in class because clearly I am not making myself understood. (slowly now) My client has no money. She has not worked in over a year. She has had a medical issue. I will pay you $50 now or you will get nothing later.
DC: So she will pay $50 down?
Me: No. Seriously, I dont know how to make this any clearer. I feel like I am speaking a different language.
DC: She needs to pay this.
Me: Let me try one last time. She has no money. I am her attorney. I sue debt collectors. However, I am willing to pay you $50 to go away and never be heard from again. If you won't take my $50 then I would suggest you close the file because you will never get a dime out of this woman. I promise you that.
DC: She is refusing to pay?
Me: No. She isnt refusing anything. She has no money. So you can either take my $50 now or I will fight this and you will never get any money.
DC: So I will mark it down as refuse to pay.
Me: Mark it however you want it. Just make sure you mark down that you refused my $50 because that is the last time I am offering any money on this. I will make sure I am clearer next time because apparently I didn't make my point with you!

Yes, that is a real, actual conversation. These people kill me! My client hasnt worked in over a year, has had major medical problems and has no money to pay the creditors. She will probably end up filing for bankruptcy, but not with me. Why not? Because I don't file bankruptcies - although maybe that wasnt clear either!