So it has come. The end of the time for saying Kaddish. (If you have no idea what I am talking about, go read here: http://www.jewfaq.org/death.htm) So what I have learned over the last 11 months?
I have no fucking clue. Its been 11 months. Reflection. Thought. Some prayer. (Yes, I do believe in prayer.) I think there are some things that I am sure I did right and some things I am pretty sure I screwed up. In no particular order............
If I could go back in time, I still wouldn't tell my mom about Tyler. She was dying. It wasn't her burden to carry, it was mine. She had already dealt with the loss of her spouse, her only daughter, her parents. She didn't need to deal with the stress of a child who is troubled. She had enough on her plate. I get it. And, even though I believe in my heart it caused some difficulty between us, I wouldn't change it. She needed to focus on herself, her well being, her ability to fight this crappy disease.
I still would want to be put out of my misery. I saw the suffering in person on our last visit to her. I saw her smile and sit with my baby. I saw her struggle to get out of bed and sit with us. I saw her talk. I saw how much it hurt. Life is a matter of quality, not quantity. If someone can live to be 100 and be healthy and not in pain, then great. I am all for that. If someone is 60 and is in constant pain and can't have the quality of life that he/she wants, then there is a place for helping those people get out of that pain. We can give people pot for pain, but we can't help end a life of someone who is cognizant and has made a decision that life is too painful and too difficult to continue? I don't mean suicide or depression, but I mean someone who is sick, knows he is dying and wants to end the pain. If it were me, I would want to be put out of the pain.
I would have spent more time with my mom. I wasn't a great son. I know. I was pretty good when I was younger. I was respectful. I did my best - except in school. I wasn't trouble. I think I was successful in her eyes. Whatever else you think of me, and opinions vary widely, I have a great family, most people like me and I have a decent job. But when my dad passed away, the tension between my mom and me was difficult to break. He was the go between. He kept tensions down. And then he was gone. And I dont think we knew, either of us, how to interact without him there. Maybe its a failing of mine. Maybe its just how my family was. I don't know.
Then my mom's sister, I refuse to call her my aunt, made a comment about how my dad's passing was a blessing. That set me off and I wanted my mom to stand up for my dad. She didn't want to cause problems with her sister. She let it slide. That was odd. My mom always fought - with me, with the principal, with anyone who wronged her family. Interestingly, I am very much like her in that way. And now, when I needed her to do it, she backed off. I think that had an effect on our relationship. I see that now. Had I seen it then, maybe I could have talked to her about it. But I didnt. Maybe I didn't have perspective. Maybe I was being short sighted. Maybe I was too pissed off. I dont know. But now that chance is gone.
I would have learned more. My 5th grader was doing a heritage project. I didnt have answers to his questions. Where do we come from? What good stories are there? I know my dad's stories. I know most of my mom's stories. But I don't know my story. I dont know my family's story. Now I am sitting here, pushing 40, not knowing enough about my family. That bothers me.
I would still have no regrets. My life isnt perfect. Some of it, no a lot of it, is my fault. I understand that. I take responsibility for what I have done. I have made decisions. There are consequences. I have to live with them. I get it. But I dont have regrets. No, I have one. One regret that will never change. When my dad was in the hospital, I never went. I know, I know. He was going to be released. They said he was fine. But he wasn't fine. He passed away. I never got that last chance to talk to him and see him. That is my one regret.
But I dont regret the rest of it. I did what I could. I tried. I was the best son I knew how to be. Now I am the best dad I know how to be. I am not perfect. I dont want to be perfect. I dont need that burden. I need to be me, however that is.
So, 11 months of Kaddish. 11 months of reflection. I miss my mom. Even though I didnt talk to her often, I miss her. She isnt here. There is a security blanket that is gone and is never coming back. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I have had to grow up a lot in the last 11 months, not just because of this, but it has been harder with this.
So, I leave you with this. I love you mom. I miss you. Thank you for being the best mom you could be. I appreciate that more than you know.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Thoughts on Family
I don't know where to start. Do I write about the end of the period of mourning? Do I write about the challenges in life? Do I write about 2nd chances? How about the value of a run in clearing my head? I don't know. So lets see where this road takes us.
Its been a challenge, this life. Not every day, but a lot of days. 4 kids are a lot to deal with in a perfect world. Add in a little mental illness and its a mess some days. I miss Tyler so much. He isn't here and its different. He hasn't been here in years, but this feels different. Not permanent, but the distance is too great. I can't see him every week. I can't take him to Red Robin or even to the house to play.
And I feel like I have lost control. I can't make decisions. Decisions are being made for us - without us. It hurts. I am still his father. Alison is still his mother. We are his parents. We have been from the beginning. It should be my decision. Its not, but it should be.
Then, I look over and I see my wife going through a book with the baby. The baby...........I don't understand her. Why is she here? Is she proof that there is a God? During my run, I listened to Live - not live music, Live, the band. Listen to their song Heaven. "I don't need no one to tell me about heaven/I look at my daughter, and I believe."
I wasn't always religious. I mean, I was, but I didn't always have a place for God. I don't mean a place like Tim Tebow. Nothing wrong with Tebow, its just not my way. But I was 29 when my dad died and I was a pissed off 29 year old. I was upset with so many things. But, mostly with myself for not having been there for him that last week.
Then my baby was born. It changed my view. She was a reminder that there was a God, if not God, then a power, a something that I can't explain. She wasn't supposed to be. It was not just against the odds, but it was impossible. And yet, I look over and there is the most amazing, most beautiful 2 year old in the whole world.
I heard the other day that people need hope. People who have hope will survive, will pull through the difficult times. I forgot that for a while. I lost hope. There were some bad days, some sad days. But my baby - she reminded me there is hope. So maybe she doesn't prove there is a God, maybe she just proves there should always be hope. Should I have named her Hope?
A lot going on lately............There have been mistakes made. There have been times when I have questioned my ability to think, my judgment, myself. There have been times when I have wondered about who I am. Then I look at my baby and I realize I am who I am.
I see now that I am lucky. Lucky for my family. Its hard sometimes. It sucks sometimes, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Its been a challenge, this life. Not every day, but a lot of days. 4 kids are a lot to deal with in a perfect world. Add in a little mental illness and its a mess some days. I miss Tyler so much. He isn't here and its different. He hasn't been here in years, but this feels different. Not permanent, but the distance is too great. I can't see him every week. I can't take him to Red Robin or even to the house to play.
And I feel like I have lost control. I can't make decisions. Decisions are being made for us - without us. It hurts. I am still his father. Alison is still his mother. We are his parents. We have been from the beginning. It should be my decision. Its not, but it should be.
Then, I look over and I see my wife going through a book with the baby. The baby...........I don't understand her. Why is she here? Is she proof that there is a God? During my run, I listened to Live - not live music, Live, the band. Listen to their song Heaven. "I don't need no one to tell me about heaven/I look at my daughter, and I believe."
I wasn't always religious. I mean, I was, but I didn't always have a place for God. I don't mean a place like Tim Tebow. Nothing wrong with Tebow, its just not my way. But I was 29 when my dad died and I was a pissed off 29 year old. I was upset with so many things. But, mostly with myself for not having been there for him that last week.
Then my baby was born. It changed my view. She was a reminder that there was a God, if not God, then a power, a something that I can't explain. She wasn't supposed to be. It was not just against the odds, but it was impossible. And yet, I look over and there is the most amazing, most beautiful 2 year old in the whole world.
I heard the other day that people need hope. People who have hope will survive, will pull through the difficult times. I forgot that for a while. I lost hope. There were some bad days, some sad days. But my baby - she reminded me there is hope. So maybe she doesn't prove there is a God, maybe she just proves there should always be hope. Should I have named her Hope?
A lot going on lately............There have been mistakes made. There have been times when I have questioned my ability to think, my judgment, myself. There have been times when I have wondered about who I am. Then I look at my baby and I realize I am who I am.
I see now that I am lucky. Lucky for my family. Its hard sometimes. It sucks sometimes, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Whats wrong with people
Three events today that made me think what the hell is wrong with people? I really wonder sometimes. How hard is it to just think for a second or be kind for a second? Or just not be a douche bag.
So there is some "rapper" (I use that term loosely and I sure as hell wouldnt call him a musician) Wiz Khalifa. I dont know if he thinks he is a wizard or not. Maybe he thinks Harry Potter is real. Maybe he thinks that you can be a real, live wizard. I dont know. Maybe, he just has to pee a lot. Anyway, he has this song "Young, Wild & Free." Okay, don't tell me I am old. The entire song is about getting drunk and getting high. And they play it on the radio. Actual lyrics: So what we get drunk?/So what we smoke weed?/We’re just having fun/We don’t care who sees."
Hey, I am all in favor of having a drink now and then. You want to get wasted? Be my guest. I have been drunk a few times. Not my cup of tea, but I don't hold it against anyone who wants to. Some of my really good friends get drunk, plastered, hammered. I get it. But we are now going to openly sing songs about rolling joints and sharing them? And this is fine for the radio? We have to bleep out bitch and asshole, but we can sing "we smoke weed" and that is acceptable?
Ignore for a minute whether we want to have songs about weed. They have been around since the 60s. Fine. But we are going to glorify smoking dope, something that, last time I checked, is illegal in this country (unless you have a "doctor's" prescription in California). Snoop Dog and Bruno Mars (who has already been arrested once for possession of coke) singing about smoking marijuana is fine? And the radios want to play this? I am so glad I talked to my kids last night about how drugs are bad. Now I get to explain to them that they are bad, but its okay to sing about it. Sheesh.
Then I get an email from a "friend." He referred a case to me. Long story short, there is a small disagreement. I write an email today to a list we are both on asking for some help on something. The response I get is that he is surprised I have time to do this since I havent gotten back to him.
First, you are in NY and there is a 3 hour time difference. So I tried, but your voice mail system sends it right to voice mail at 5:01 your time - which is only 2pm my time. Second, you called me at 6am my time. Maybe 630. IN THE MORNING! I'm sorry. I dont answer my phone that earlier unless its my wife or someone I know is calling with an emergency - and that means they are calling me at home. Third, you would think after 5 or 6 years of knowing each other, someone would have the courtesy to say "Hey, I havent heard back from you. I am a bit worried. Everything okay?" Apparently, I am wrong.
I know I have done this when its been a while since someone has been in touch, especially someone who I thought I was going to hear from. It had been a few weeks since I heard from a friend. I sent him a short note. Nothing fancy. Turns out he was in the middle of a crisis. I didnt need a lot of details. I sure as hell didnt need prodding. I did need to talk to him, but instead of saying "Hey, why didnt you get back to me" I asked if everything was okay because he had been quiet. I thought that was the right thing to do. I guess I was wrong.
And just so we are clear, yeah, I have bigger issues in life right now than the thing we are dealing with. I dont talk about most of it. I dont even know how to talk about it. I get teary eyed just thinking about it. So how the hell am I supposed to tell you about it? My friends now. My acquaintances dont. I have started to blog about it, but I stop. I cant complete it.
Maybe I fucked something up in the cosmic universe. Maybe this is karma for not telling my mom everything. Maybe this is just my draw in life. I dont know. I will figure it out this summer. But as one human being to another, I care more about whether you are okay then I do about the other crap. I guess that is wrong. From now on, I am going to care about making a buck over everything else. You call me up and dont really need to hire me? Pay me anyway. Show me the fucking money. Thats my new approach. I want to make as much money as I can. I want to have so much money that Juicy J renames the song about me. (Oh, google it, old folks.) Thats it. That is the meaning of life. Make as much money as you can and dont worry about people.
Fuck it. Thats not me. So, I guess I will go on worrying about my friends, acquaintances, colleagues and others and put the money end of it 2nd. Maybe that makes me the douchebag. I am fine with it. And, no, I dont care that I didnt get back to you right away. I was dealing with my own issues, which clearly are not as important as your money.
Then, we get to the idiot winners today. So I am driving down the street and there are these three kids in a Scion xA. Speeding up the road, slamming on the brakes, swerving all over 3 lanes. Ha ha, thats funny. No its not. So I grabbed my phone and called the police. I gave them the license plate, a description and told them where these morons were going. Apparently, these idiots figured out I was calling the police and rolled down their windows yelling at me, wanting to fight me. They turned, I went straight.
Most of you are lucky. You dont know it, but you are. You never have to deal with someone who died in a car accident. You dont see pictures. You dont see family members grieving. You dont see the aftermath. I have been dealing with the results of car accidents since I was 21 years old. Some arent bad. Some are awful.
I have seen pictures that I wont even begin to describe. I have seen grown men cry when they lose a wife, a child, a friend, in a car crash. I have seen kids lose parents, parents lose kids. I have talked to these people. I have friends who have lost siblings, parents in crashes. I have tried to put a dollar figure on what their loss is. It sucks. Its not possible.
These fucking idiots should lose their licenses. Not just the drive. All 3 of them. You sit in a car where your idiot friend is driving like that and you laugh and encourage it, you are as big an idiot as your friend is. You are a moron. A douchebag. I dont even have a word to describe you. What the hell is wrong with you?
Even your piece of crap Scion xA that should be blown up because its such a crappy car can kill someone. I told my boys, who were in the car with me, if they ever drive like that, I will take their licenses and cut them up. I will take the car keys. They will be done. I dont care if they are 16 or 18 or 21 or 25. You think your car is a toy? You are a fucking moron who needs to go spend a few hours at the morgue. Go out with the cops to see what an accident looks like.
Yes, so you Mr. White Scion with MAG in the license plate, you are a fucking piece of crap. I wanted to kick the shit out of you, but my kids were with me and a punk like you probably carries a gun with you. So I will let the cops deal with it. I hope one day you realize that your car isnt something to joke around with. I doubt you will learn that lesson until its too late. Oh, and tell your friends to hit the dentist and the barbershop. Teeth help if you are going to yell at someone and threaten to fight them. Otherwise, your boy sounds like Mike Tyson but looks like Carlton.
So there you go. Three examples of douchebags in one day. I am going "dancin' on the edge of the Hollywood sign."
So there is some "rapper" (I use that term loosely and I sure as hell wouldnt call him a musician) Wiz Khalifa. I dont know if he thinks he is a wizard or not. Maybe he thinks Harry Potter is real. Maybe he thinks that you can be a real, live wizard. I dont know. Maybe, he just has to pee a lot. Anyway, he has this song "Young, Wild & Free." Okay, don't tell me I am old. The entire song is about getting drunk and getting high. And they play it on the radio. Actual lyrics: So what we get drunk?/So what we smoke weed?/We’re just having fun/We don’t care who sees."
Hey, I am all in favor of having a drink now and then. You want to get wasted? Be my guest. I have been drunk a few times. Not my cup of tea, but I don't hold it against anyone who wants to. Some of my really good friends get drunk, plastered, hammered. I get it. But we are now going to openly sing songs about rolling joints and sharing them? And this is fine for the radio? We have to bleep out bitch and asshole, but we can sing "we smoke weed" and that is acceptable?
Ignore for a minute whether we want to have songs about weed. They have been around since the 60s. Fine. But we are going to glorify smoking dope, something that, last time I checked, is illegal in this country (unless you have a "doctor's" prescription in California). Snoop Dog and Bruno Mars (who has already been arrested once for possession of coke) singing about smoking marijuana is fine? And the radios want to play this? I am so glad I talked to my kids last night about how drugs are bad. Now I get to explain to them that they are bad, but its okay to sing about it. Sheesh.
Then I get an email from a "friend." He referred a case to me. Long story short, there is a small disagreement. I write an email today to a list we are both on asking for some help on something. The response I get is that he is surprised I have time to do this since I havent gotten back to him.
First, you are in NY and there is a 3 hour time difference. So I tried, but your voice mail system sends it right to voice mail at 5:01 your time - which is only 2pm my time. Second, you called me at 6am my time. Maybe 630. IN THE MORNING! I'm sorry. I dont answer my phone that earlier unless its my wife or someone I know is calling with an emergency - and that means they are calling me at home. Third, you would think after 5 or 6 years of knowing each other, someone would have the courtesy to say "Hey, I havent heard back from you. I am a bit worried. Everything okay?" Apparently, I am wrong.
I know I have done this when its been a while since someone has been in touch, especially someone who I thought I was going to hear from. It had been a few weeks since I heard from a friend. I sent him a short note. Nothing fancy. Turns out he was in the middle of a crisis. I didnt need a lot of details. I sure as hell didnt need prodding. I did need to talk to him, but instead of saying "Hey, why didnt you get back to me" I asked if everything was okay because he had been quiet. I thought that was the right thing to do. I guess I was wrong.
And just so we are clear, yeah, I have bigger issues in life right now than the thing we are dealing with. I dont talk about most of it. I dont even know how to talk about it. I get teary eyed just thinking about it. So how the hell am I supposed to tell you about it? My friends now. My acquaintances dont. I have started to blog about it, but I stop. I cant complete it.
Maybe I fucked something up in the cosmic universe. Maybe this is karma for not telling my mom everything. Maybe this is just my draw in life. I dont know. I will figure it out this summer. But as one human being to another, I care more about whether you are okay then I do about the other crap. I guess that is wrong. From now on, I am going to care about making a buck over everything else. You call me up and dont really need to hire me? Pay me anyway. Show me the fucking money. Thats my new approach. I want to make as much money as I can. I want to have so much money that Juicy J renames the song about me. (Oh, google it, old folks.) Thats it. That is the meaning of life. Make as much money as you can and dont worry about people.
Fuck it. Thats not me. So, I guess I will go on worrying about my friends, acquaintances, colleagues and others and put the money end of it 2nd. Maybe that makes me the douchebag. I am fine with it. And, no, I dont care that I didnt get back to you right away. I was dealing with my own issues, which clearly are not as important as your money.
Then, we get to the idiot winners today. So I am driving down the street and there are these three kids in a Scion xA. Speeding up the road, slamming on the brakes, swerving all over 3 lanes. Ha ha, thats funny. No its not. So I grabbed my phone and called the police. I gave them the license plate, a description and told them where these morons were going. Apparently, these idiots figured out I was calling the police and rolled down their windows yelling at me, wanting to fight me. They turned, I went straight.
Most of you are lucky. You dont know it, but you are. You never have to deal with someone who died in a car accident. You dont see pictures. You dont see family members grieving. You dont see the aftermath. I have been dealing with the results of car accidents since I was 21 years old. Some arent bad. Some are awful.
I have seen pictures that I wont even begin to describe. I have seen grown men cry when they lose a wife, a child, a friend, in a car crash. I have seen kids lose parents, parents lose kids. I have talked to these people. I have friends who have lost siblings, parents in crashes. I have tried to put a dollar figure on what their loss is. It sucks. Its not possible.
These fucking idiots should lose their licenses. Not just the drive. All 3 of them. You sit in a car where your idiot friend is driving like that and you laugh and encourage it, you are as big an idiot as your friend is. You are a moron. A douchebag. I dont even have a word to describe you. What the hell is wrong with you?
Even your piece of crap Scion xA that should be blown up because its such a crappy car can kill someone. I told my boys, who were in the car with me, if they ever drive like that, I will take their licenses and cut them up. I will take the car keys. They will be done. I dont care if they are 16 or 18 or 21 or 25. You think your car is a toy? You are a fucking moron who needs to go spend a few hours at the morgue. Go out with the cops to see what an accident looks like.
Yes, so you Mr. White Scion with MAG in the license plate, you are a fucking piece of crap. I wanted to kick the shit out of you, but my kids were with me and a punk like you probably carries a gun with you. So I will let the cops deal with it. I hope one day you realize that your car isnt something to joke around with. I doubt you will learn that lesson until its too late. Oh, and tell your friends to hit the dentist and the barbershop. Teeth help if you are going to yell at someone and threaten to fight them. Otherwise, your boy sounds like Mike Tyson but looks like Carlton.
So there you go. Three examples of douchebags in one day. I am going "dancin' on the edge of the Hollywood sign."
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Actual Conversation with a Debt Collector
I got a call from a debt collector today. This is the actual conversation. Honest. Okay, I changed the name of the debt collector. His name is not Mr. Bill. And my client is not Mrs. X, but her name is confidential.
Ring........ring.........ring.............
Me: This is Jonathan.
Debt collector: This is Mr. Bill. I am calling about our mutual client Mrs X.
Me: I'm sorry. You are representing Mrs X too? In what capacity?
DC: Well, um, we represent Y debt collection agency.
Me: Oh, see I represent Mrs X so she is my client. She is not your client.
DC: Yes, but she owes us money.
Me: If you say so.
DC: How would she like to resolve this?
Me: You should just go away.
DC: Excuse me?
Me: You should just go away.
DC: Is she refusing to pay?
Me: No.
DC: So how would she like to resolve this?
Me: You should just go away. I thought I said that before.
DC: I dont understand.
Me: Look, she hasnt worked in over a year. She has no money to pay you.
DC: She can borrow money from her friends or family.
Me: Um, yeah, they dont have any money either. She is in significant debt and has had a medical emergency. There is no money.
DC: We can just take a small payment.
Me: Okay, here is what I will do. I will give you $50 out of my account to make this go away.
DC: So a $50 down payment?
Me: No. $50. Total.
DC: We can't accept that. The balance is $6,500.
Me: Well, you can take my $50 or you will never get any money.
DC: Are you filing bankruptcy for her?
Me: No.
DC: I dont understand.
Me: I am not a bankruptcy attorney. I don't file bankruptcy.
DC: Then why are you representing her?
Me: I sue debt collectors.
DC: What?
Me: I sue debt collectors. You know, people like you.
DC: Well she still has to take care of the balance.
Me: Okay, apparently I was not clear. My client hasnt worked in over a year. She has medical bills from a medical emergency. She has no money. I will give you $50 now or you can get nothing later.
DC: $50 is not enough.
Me: Then I guess nothing is better.
DC: She has to pay us money.
Me: Great. I will give you $50 right now.
DC: So she is refusing to pay?
Me: No. I will give you $50 to settle the account right now.
DC: That is not reasonable.
Me: Well, its $50 or nothing.
DC: So she is refusing to pay?
Me: (Audible sigh) I am sorry. Am I not clear? I guess I need to call my high school speech coach and apologize to him. I guess I was not paying attention in class because clearly I am not making myself understood. (slowly now) My client has no money. She has not worked in over a year. She has had a medical issue. I will pay you $50 now or you will get nothing later.
DC: So she will pay $50 down?
Me: No. Seriously, I dont know how to make this any clearer. I feel like I am speaking a different language.
DC: She needs to pay this.
Me: Let me try one last time. She has no money. I am her attorney. I sue debt collectors. However, I am willing to pay you $50 to go away and never be heard from again. If you won't take my $50 then I would suggest you close the file because you will never get a dime out of this woman. I promise you that.
DC: She is refusing to pay?
Me: No. She isnt refusing anything. She has no money. So you can either take my $50 now or I will fight this and you will never get any money.
DC: So I will mark it down as refuse to pay.
Me: Mark it however you want it. Just make sure you mark down that you refused my $50 because that is the last time I am offering any money on this. I will make sure I am clearer next time because apparently I didn't make my point with you!
Yes, that is a real, actual conversation. These people kill me! My client hasnt worked in over a year, has had major medical problems and has no money to pay the creditors. She will probably end up filing for bankruptcy, but not with me. Why not? Because I don't file bankruptcies - although maybe that wasnt clear either!
Ring........ring.........ring.............
Me: This is Jonathan.
Debt collector: This is Mr. Bill. I am calling about our mutual client Mrs X.
Me: I'm sorry. You are representing Mrs X too? In what capacity?
DC: Well, um, we represent Y debt collection agency.
Me: Oh, see I represent Mrs X so she is my client. She is not your client.
DC: Yes, but she owes us money.
Me: If you say so.
DC: How would she like to resolve this?
Me: You should just go away.
DC: Excuse me?
Me: You should just go away.
DC: Is she refusing to pay?
Me: No.
DC: So how would she like to resolve this?
Me: You should just go away. I thought I said that before.
DC: I dont understand.
Me: Look, she hasnt worked in over a year. She has no money to pay you.
DC: She can borrow money from her friends or family.
Me: Um, yeah, they dont have any money either. She is in significant debt and has had a medical emergency. There is no money.
DC: We can just take a small payment.
Me: Okay, here is what I will do. I will give you $50 out of my account to make this go away.
DC: So a $50 down payment?
Me: No. $50. Total.
DC: We can't accept that. The balance is $6,500.
Me: Well, you can take my $50 or you will never get any money.
DC: Are you filing bankruptcy for her?
Me: No.
DC: I dont understand.
Me: I am not a bankruptcy attorney. I don't file bankruptcy.
DC: Then why are you representing her?
Me: I sue debt collectors.
DC: What?
Me: I sue debt collectors. You know, people like you.
DC: Well she still has to take care of the balance.
Me: Okay, apparently I was not clear. My client hasnt worked in over a year. She has medical bills from a medical emergency. She has no money. I will give you $50 now or you can get nothing later.
DC: $50 is not enough.
Me: Then I guess nothing is better.
DC: She has to pay us money.
Me: Great. I will give you $50 right now.
DC: So she is refusing to pay?
Me: No. I will give you $50 to settle the account right now.
DC: That is not reasonable.
Me: Well, its $50 or nothing.
DC: So she is refusing to pay?
Me: (Audible sigh) I am sorry. Am I not clear? I guess I need to call my high school speech coach and apologize to him. I guess I was not paying attention in class because clearly I am not making myself understood. (slowly now) My client has no money. She has not worked in over a year. She has had a medical issue. I will pay you $50 now or you will get nothing later.
DC: So she will pay $50 down?
Me: No. Seriously, I dont know how to make this any clearer. I feel like I am speaking a different language.
DC: She needs to pay this.
Me: Let me try one last time. She has no money. I am her attorney. I sue debt collectors. However, I am willing to pay you $50 to go away and never be heard from again. If you won't take my $50 then I would suggest you close the file because you will never get a dime out of this woman. I promise you that.
DC: She is refusing to pay?
Me: No. She isnt refusing anything. She has no money. So you can either take my $50 now or I will fight this and you will never get any money.
DC: So I will mark it down as refuse to pay.
Me: Mark it however you want it. Just make sure you mark down that you refused my $50 because that is the last time I am offering any money on this. I will make sure I am clearer next time because apparently I didn't make my point with you!
Yes, that is a real, actual conversation. These people kill me! My client hasnt worked in over a year, has had major medical problems and has no money to pay the creditors. She will probably end up filing for bankruptcy, but not with me. Why not? Because I don't file bankruptcies - although maybe that wasnt clear either!
Friday, February 3, 2012
My letter to a debt collector
Dear Mr. Hanna:
I think its important we recap this matter before you “refer the matter to local counsel for suit.”
Your firm sent my client a letter on January 9, 2012. This would be the “initial communication.” Three days later you sent my client a letter demanding payment by January 16, 2012. That letter, dated January 12, 2012, went by overnight mail. Thus, my client received it on January 13, 2012. He did not receive your January 9, 2012 letter until after January 13, 2012. So, we have one violation of the FDCPA and one violation of the Rosenthal Act in that you demanded payment before the 30 day validation period expired.
On January 17, 2012, I sent you my letter advising you that I represent Mr. XXXX. I asked for validation of the debt and explained the above violation to you in that letter. I gave you 15 days to cure the defect. That fifteen day period has now expired. Then, on January 19, 2012 at 11:57am Pacific time, I received a call from your company. You have denied this happening and now you have come up with the blame the receiver excuse. This is actually worse than “blame the victim” or “blame the twinkies.” You are alleging that my business number was forwarded to my home number. I assure you in over 8 years of having my own firm, I have never once forwarded my business number to my home number and for a very good reason – I do not want debt collectors calling me at home.
But, since you persist with this ridiculous line of thinking, perhaps because you know that my number is unlisted and your employees must have obtained it through illicit means, I am enclosing a copy of a picture I took immediately after I hung up on your employee. You will see the date and time in the lower portion of the screen of the phone. At the top, you will see it says “Law Office” and has your number, 866-811-1159. Just to be certain, I called that number at 1:56pm today, February 3, 2012, and it was answered with an automated answering machine that says “Thank you for calling the Law Offices of Frederick J. Hanna and Associates, PC.”
Knowing this would not be acceptable proof to you, I went a step farther. I called my phone company. I asked them what number would appear on the caller ID if I had forwarded my business phone to my home phone. Surprisingly, at least to you, although not to the rest of the country who uses modern technology, the number that would have appeared would have been my office number. Clearly, the photograph shows that is not the case.
Of course, your defense is different than the one you gave me when we last talked on the phone, January 26, 2012. On the phone, your excuse was that you called the number on my letterhead and that the number on my letterhead must have been my home number. I assure you that the company that created my letterhead, who I might recommend to you for some updated letterhead, has NEVER put my home number on it. In fact, it’s a template that does not change and has not changed since they did it for me. My home number has never been listed on any of my letterhead.
I hope this puts an end to your blame the poor guy who gets a call from us at home when we shouldn’t even have that number argument. An admission that your company made a mistake and called me at home would be welcome, although I don’t see that forthcoming. As my mom taught me, I will not hold my breath.
Of course, this still leads us to another violation. The call on January 19, 2012 was an attempt to collect a debt. By that time, you had my information since you knew to call me. You had not provided validation of the debt. As I am sure you are aware, contacting a party to collect a debt that has requested validation is a violation of the FDCPA and the Rosenthal Act. This is your 15 day notice to cure that defect.
Then, on January 20, 2012, Ms. Layhew sent me a response to my request for validation. Although, her letter was not actually a response. Ms. Layhew sent me the “Assistant Secretary’s Certificate of FIA Card Services, National Association.” This appears to be a history of FIA Card Services, which I appreciate and may be interesting, but in no way is validation of the debt. This does not have any information which indicates my client owes anyone any money, let alone your office. This can, in no way, be validation of the debt.
Ms. Layhew then asked for payment of $6,006.50. I will remind you that the FDCPA and the Rosenthal Act require you to provide validation of the debt. Further, both Acts state you cannot take any steps to collect money until you do validate the debt. Ms. Layhew’s letter is far from validation as it includes no information about my client, his account or any evidence that he owes any money to anyone. Further, there is no assignment to indicate that you are entitled to collect money on behalf of FIA. Thus, this is another violation of the FDCPA.
On January 27, 2012, I wrote to Ms. Layhew and pointed this out to her. This was my third letter to your office. (Coincidentally, you will see that they all have the same number listed on the letterhead – 916 247 6868. That is still my office number and still has not been forwarded to my home.) I pointed out the lack of validation to Ms. Layhew and explained why this was a violation of the FDCPA and the Rosenthal Act.
You and I spoke again on February 2, 2012. At that time, you asked me how much my client was willing to pay to settle this account. Again, your firm still has not provided validation of the debt. Your continued demands for payment without providing any validation of the debt is another violation of the FDCPA and the Rosenthal Act.
Today, I received a “MEMORANDUM” from you, which you did not sign, dated January 31, 2012. In that, you provide the defense that you really didn’t call me at home. You also state “please advise by Monday, February 6, 2012, if we can resolve the debt your client owes.” Of course, this is another demand for payment when you have STILL failed to provide validation of the debt. This would be ANOTHER violation of the FDCPA and the Rosenthal Act.
As to your suggestion that you will refer the matter to local counsel, let me be very clear about the response you will see from me:
1. We will answer the complaint and deny all of the allegations;
2. We will file a cross complaint against Frederick J. Hanna & Associates, Ms. Layhew, yourself, FIA Card Services and whatever local attorney files suit. In that cross complaint, I will allege the violations of the FDCPA, the Rosenthal Act, violation of Business and Professions Code 17200, unauthorized practice of law, and violation of the California Constitution, Article I, Section 1.
3. We will immediately serve written discovery on all parties and notice depositions for the county where the complaint is filed;
4. We will vigorously pursue this matter to a jury verdict.
I want to be crystal clear about this. My client takes these violations very seriously. Your firm continues to attempt to collect debts, hundreds of thousands of active files, through these means, including completely ignoring Federal and State law. I plan on showing a pattern of practice and will pursue compensatory damages, attorney fees and punitive damages against all defendants. My client hired me in an effort to work with you to resolve this matter amicably. All you have done is blamed my client, harassed him, violated the law, invaded my privacy and then blamed everyone but yourself.
If you decide to pursue this matter, that is your right. You are now well aware of my position. I will defend my client and I will look forward to meeting you in court.
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