On death and dying

As anyone who is reading this knows, I recently lost my mom. Cancer blows. A lot. Its tough now that I have lost both my parents. Not even 40 yet. Yeah, I know. Some people have it worse than me. I get it. Doesn't make it hurt any less. I wasn't overly close with my mom, but there is still a pain. But this isn't about me. This is about what people should do when a friend or loved one loses someone. Call it Jon's Commandments on Death and Dying.

1. Thou shalt not say "Its for the best." Really? The best? No, you know whats for the best? Its for the best if people didn't get fucked up diseases like cancer. Its for the best when someone gets a chance to say goodbye to a loved one. Its for the best if people wouldn't open their idiotic mouths and spill out shit like this.

Lets think about it. The best is a good thing. Michael Jordan was the best. Pele was the best. Bruce Springsteen is called The Boss because he is the best. I am not the best. See, how that works? You don't walk around and say "Osama bin Laden was the best terrorist." There is no such thing as a good terrorist. Get it?

Now, if the survivor comes up to you and you are talking about it and he or she says "I lost my mom but at least she is not suffering anymore" then feel free to make a comment. That is an opening. You can say something at that point. Still, avoid the best. Maybe "I am sorry for your loss. Its good that she is not in pain." See, still not using the best.

You think I make this crap up? When I lost my dad, my aunt said it was for the best. WTF? I lost my dad. I was 29 years old. He was 63. I'm sorry. Anytime someone does before 70 its not for the best. Its not even good. Its a life unlived. Its potential lost. At 63 my dad was still 10 times smarter than me. He accomplished more in his last year of life than I did in my first 20. What exactly is good about it? Sure, he had Parkinsons and some bullshit leukemia that I have never heard of. But his brain worked. His body worked when he needed it to. He managed to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. He was there when I graduated from law school. Fuck that crap. Its not for the best. Yeah, and I am bitter. I know.

2. Thou shalt not post on Facebook before the closest living relative. Yes you, dumbass who can't get off Facebook. (And I know some of you are reading this through Facebook or through a link from Facebook. Don't take it personally. If I am still your friend on Facebook it means you didn't do this.) Look, when someone dies, it sucks. But it sucks more for the people who are closest.

Anyone who has lost someone knows what I mean. Sure, when my grandfather passed away, I was sad. It sucked. But you know what? It sucked for my mom 10 times more. When a friend's mom passed away, it sucked. And I know he had it so much worse than I did. When a client's son recently passed away, I was sad. Maybe its lame for me to be sad, but I was. But I sure as hell know that my client had it a million times worse than I had it.

If your aunt passes away, its sad. Aw...I feel for you. However, your aunts kids are much worse off than you are. Again, personal experience. How dare you announce to everyone what a loss you have had. How about giving those of us who were her children a chance to process it. The morning she passed away? Really? Screw you. Yeah, you had a loss. Yeah, you need sympathy. I am sure it was so hard for you. Oh wait. You didn't bother coming to the funeral but you had to get all of the sympathy from your Facebook friends? If you don't go to the funeral, then don't bother telling everyone how sad you are and dont but that BS on Facebook.

3. Thou shalt not be a jackass over the estate. I don't know which is worse - people fighting in a divorce or people fighting over someone's estate. Look, there is a good reason for a will. It makes sense to have one. I highly suggest it and would be happy to recommend a good estate planning attorney near you. I know one in almost every state. But not everything is covered in a will or a trust.

For example, lets say you have a will that gives your money to A and B. Great. What about the knick-knacks in the house? Those little tchotchkes need to be given to someone. So, when you find a picture of your sibling as a baby, GIVE HIM THE FUCKING PICTURE. It doesn't matter if you like your sibling or not. Its just human decency. What are you going to do with a picture of your sibling? Throw it away. Yeah, thats environmentally friendly. Oh wait, no its not. And Goodwill doesn't want that crap. Unless your sibling is Diane Lane or Adam Levine or some other famous person that people of the opposite sex would find attractive, no one wants that stupid picture. Oh, well, no one except your sibling!

Those books on the bookshelf? Yeah, I know. So meaningful that you don't even know what they are for. Trust me - the sibling who wants it wants it for a reason. Do you really think anyone else cares about a PhD thesis on the chemical structure of some chemical thing that 10 people in the world understand? NO!!!! Am I clear? NO ONE CARES. Again, except the sibling. Give him the damn book. And that 40 year old book? Yep, no one wants that either. It has no value. Just man up (or woman up) and give it to him. Are you that much of a bastard?

4. Thou shalt not tell anyone not to come to a funeral. This should not be a surprise to anyone, but apparently it is: the funeral is not about the living. Its a way to honor the dead. Go look it up.

Every single religion. Even the nonsense cults agree that a funeral is a way to honor the dead. Again, nothing about the living there. Even the Wyoming Funeral Directors Association say its a way to honor and remember the deceased. (Yes, Wyoming has a funeral directors association. I don't know how many members they have - 5? 10? But it exists. Google it.)

Thus, if you won't go to a funeral because little Jackie is going to be there and you don't like little Jackie then you are an asshole. A big one. Yep. That means you think the funeral is about you. It isn't. And it also means that you don't care enough about the deceased to show your respects. Yep. There are no ifs, ands or buts about this. If you can't act like an adult for 30 minutes, then you shouldn't be there. (See commandment 5 below.) I don't care if you think Jackie is a loser. At least Jackie cares enough to show up. In my book, that makes Jackie a pretty good person.

You want to grieve? Sit shiva. Go dance a jig. Do whatever it is that folks do. I don't know. I don't really get the whole grieving process. I suck at it. Big time. Yep, I still don't think I have properly grieved for my dad and its been 8 1/2 years. I know. I suck at it. But there is a process that you can go through. The funeral isn't about you. Clear?

5. Thou shalt say something to the people who go to the funeral. Yes, its for people who can act grown up. You don't have to be a grown up. I remember being about 11. A friend's dad passed away. Talk about sucking for someone. My mom took 3 friends and me to the funeral. We wore our black suits. (Yes, you MUST wear a black suit to a funeral if you are a man and a black outfit if you are a woman. There are no exceptions. You don't own a black suit? Buy one. Keep it in your closet. Try it on once a year. And no sandals. Are we 12 and in middle school? Sure, sandals can be classy and dressed up. Not at a funeral.) We sat quietly and were there to support our friend and pay our respects to his dad. I didn't understand much of a Catholic funeral at the time. But I acted like a grown up.

So, when someone you love dies, and it will happen, then you need to go up and say something to the people who cared about your loved one enough to show up. I don't care if some douchebag from high school that you hate shows up. Man up and say "Thanks for coming. It means a lot to me." I don't care if it doesn't mean jackshit to you. Do it. Its the right thing to do. Again, its not about you. Its about the deceased. Do you mean to tell me that your mom wouldn't want you thanking someone for coming to an event? I know better. Every mom teaches that to her kids. Its learned in freaking Kindergarten. Its one of the very basic concepts of civilization - thank people.

Remember the good times and not the bad times. I know its easy to say. And I know I don't do this all the time. I think of my mom in her bed before she passed away instead of her playing soccer in the Old Timers Game. I remember my dad needing help to the bathroom instead of the drive to Virginia in his Corvette. Its hard. But I think its the right thing to do. And as of tonight, I am going to try it.

One final note: Oh, and when I die, if you are reading this, let me be clear: party. Big ole party. I don't want people sitting around crying over me. My life is not a perfect life. I fuck up plenty. Just ask anyone who knows me or knew me. Seriously, find the guys on Facebook who knew me in Freehold when I was in elementary school or when I got kicked out of middle school. Find the folks who knew me in San Diego in high school. Find people in Sacramento. I fuck up. I admit it. I don't want people sitting around saying "Oh he was such a great guy." Do I do good things once in a while? Sure. Have I done something great? Nope. No cure for cancer. No way to fix a broken heart. So do me a favor, come to my house after the funeral, bring some food, turn on the music, and enjoy yourselves.

One final, final note: seriously. Follow these 5 commandments. Its not because I say so. Its because its the human, decent thing to do.