In defense of us

I was going to call it in defence of us as if I was British or an academic or someone who did better in school than barely graduating. But, I figured that would make me look pretentious and I don't do pretentious. By the way, if profanity offends you, either accept this as my apology or don't read the rest of this. Either way, I won't be offended. Promise.

I am fucked up. I know it. I even know why. My entire family is fucked up. Well, was fucked up. Lets see, my dad was so driven to work that he took so much medicine and died at 62. My mom didn't call me when my sister died. My sister got married and didn't tell anyone or about the SOB who gave her HIV. I still want to kick the living shit out of that piece of crap. My brother is the only one alive and he doesn't talk to me. I fucking tried. My cousins think my mom dying was harder on them than it was on me. My dad's brother thinks I am an asshole. Maybe I am. My mom's sister hates me and told me it was a blessing when my dad died. Oh, I could go on. But suffice it to say that I am pretty fucked up and I know why.

I have my own family now. A great wife who I have known since we were freshmen in high school and dated since we were juniors. I have 4 great kids who I would do anything for. Just so we are clear, you hurt my kids and I will get revenge. I have friends. I have a good job. And yet, I am still fucked up. What the hell?

You know what, though, we try. It sucks and we try. And I am so fucking tired of people criticizing us and what we do. You think its easy to make the decisions we make? Try it. I lost a lot of my relationship with my mom because I refused to burden her with how bad Tyler was. It was my decision. And, as I have said before, its a decision I would never change. People want to judge me for not dropping everything and going to visit my mom when she got cancer AGAIN? Fine. Judge away. You don't know what I know. You don't have to make the decisions I have to make. Because as fucked up as I am, my dad taught me to be a man. That doesnt mean I can run around and screw a woman. It doesnt mean I can smoke or gamble or vote or any of that shit. It means I have to do what I think is best for my family. I did. You don't like those decisions? Fuck you. You don't have to live my life.

You think its easy to have him living 500 miles away? For 18 months? Really? Do you have any fucking idea what stress that causes in a marriage? In a family? In a man? Whats my first job? To take care of my family. Oh, I can sit here and justify this until I am 108. Its better for Tyler to be there. He has to be there. We cant take care of him. He needs a safe environment. BULLSHIT. Its all fucking crap. I could find SOME way to make it work. Its my job. But somehow, through all of this, not just the last 18 months, but the last 6 years, I havent been able to make it work. And do you know what that does to me? It eats me up. It eats me from the inside. It kills me. And dont tell me to talk about it. Dont tell me I need counseling. Fuck that nonsense. No counselor, no friend, no one knows what its like unless you have had to do it.

Do you think we dont want him home? I would do anything to have him home. I would give it all up - the house, the cars, the neighborhood. I would go live in South Central LA taking public transportation to be the garbage man or the dude who cleans up crime scenes to have my son home every night and hold him and hug him and teach him how to be a man. I would walk 1000 miles every single fucking day if thats what it took. I would give my right leg and never play soccer again to have that kid with us.

And I know Alison would too. I know she wants him home more than anything. And we simply can't have it. Its not fucking possible. He is our first born. I dont know the exact nature of the relationship between an oldest and his mother. But I do know the relationship between a mother and a son. I can only imagine how much this hurts her. And there is not one single fucking thing I can do to help her. Nothing. And as much as we talk about it, and I hold her, and I love her, I cant take that away. I cant make that type of pain go away.

Then we have to listen to people criticize us. Why arent we doing this? Why arent we doing that? What about this option or that option? Do you think we dont spend every single day thinking about options? Do you think we havent considered every option? I called in every favor I can think of. I even called in favors owed to my dad, and he hasn't been alive for 10 years.

Do you think its easy? It kills us. We are doing the best damn job we know how to do. There is no book on how to be a parent. There really is no book how to be a parent of a kid like Tyler. And the piece of crap books about how to deal with your special needs child don't even scratch the surface of what we are dealing with.

Look, I get it. There are people worse off in life than us. I feel bad for those people. I try to help them. I really do. Every single chance I get, I give back. Someone needs help and can't afford it? Fine. I will do my best to help. Someone needs a cup of coffee on a cold morning? I am good for that too. We do what we can to help others.

But I am so fucking sick and tired of the assholes who want to run around and judge us or complain about us or criticize about us. You don't like decisions I have made in my life? Fine. I don't like every decision I have made in my life either. I know Alison doesn't like every decision she has made in her life either, like marrying me. (What, a little humor isn't allowed? Screw you. That was funny.) But we are good people doing the best we can in a life that we didnt plan for, we didnt ask for, and we dont know what we are doing.

I grew up religious. I stopped practicing 10 years ago when my dad died. I started practicing again almost 4 years ago when we found out Alison was pregnant. I know God doesn't judge us. I know God doesnt give us more than we can handle. Fine, its a cliche. Bite me. Its my cliche right now. I know there is a plan and we are supposed to just go with it. I get that.

What I don't get is why people think we arent doing everything humanly possible to get Tyler what he needs? Why people think we are bad people? I have screwed up. I admit it. I confess my sins. Don't judge me by my sins. Judge me by whether I have learned from those sins and made myself a better person. Judge me by whether the world is a bit better because of things I have done right, not what I have done wrong.

Look, we are human. We try. We do the best we can. I know God knows that. I know we try to remember that. But lets go back to the Golden Rule: if you dont have something nice to say to us, dont say anything at all. Life is hard enough without you judging us too.