Choices in Life

Sometimes in life we have to make choices that suck. We come to the proverbial fork in the road and we have to choose. I know this better than most since I studied economics in college. Its basically the study of decision making. Its just that sometimes what you want to do and what you need to do are two different things.

Every day, we make tons of decisions. Do I talk to person A or do I let their call go to voice mail? Do I respond to the all caps, yelling email or do I hit the delete button? Do I yell at the asshole on the other end of the phone or do I let them continue yelling?

Then there are more important choices. Do you go visit a loved one in the hospital? (YES! Trust me.) Do you protect your kid from all of the evils in the world or let them learn that there are bad people or people who do bad things?

I am at that fork in the road. Its tough. I sit here today sad. Not sad for making the decision I am going to make. I know I have to. Sad because of the circumstances that have put me in this position.

I am a fighter by nature. I want to prove I am right at all costs. I want to kick the crap out of people, not literally, but figuratively. My high school guidance counselor told me I wouldn't get accepted to college. I did. I graduated in 4 years. Fuck her. My first boss out of college told me I shouldn't bother trying to earn my CPCU designation. 10 tests, 3 years later (I had to meet the minimum years of working requirement) I flew to San Diego to attend the ceremony. Thanks for giving me the motivation to prove you are an idiot.

My first practice test in law school I failed. Yep, I failed. I didn't have a clue as to what I was doing. I made crap up. Literally. Turns out that wasn't such a good way to go. 4 years of working, kids, and law school later I managed to graduate. Here I sit a month and 5 days from my 8 year anniversary of running my own firm. I guess I did know a thing or two.

But I also love. I care. I know there is hurt in the world. I can't fix it. I tried. Trust me, I have tried. I failed that. My soccer event? We raised over $6,000 and all I got from Susan G Komen was a thank you note WITH A REQUEST FOR MORE MONEY. I guess I failed in making the world a little better by our small donation to cure breast cancer, which, by the way, should go fuck off. I have tried to use the law to help the little guy, not literally as on TLC, but figuratively. I thought I could make a difference. Turns out, there is only so much you can do.

I have 4 kids. My 3 boys and my baby girl. I have a wife. That's it. That's my family now. I tried to wish my brother a happy birthday and he ignored me. Fine. I promised my mom before she died that I would make an effort. I will keep trying to make an effort. Its tilting at windmills, I think, but I promised my mom I would do it so I will keep doing it. Color me a fucking idiot.

So I now look at things differently. I have to do what is best for the 5 people who count on me, not necessarily for me. I want to stay and fight. I want to prove a point. I want to stand up and say "Fuck you. I am not the devil incarnate." But I can't and I won't. How can I when I know my oldest son needs someone to stand up for him and I have to be here to do that? He doesn't even know that he needs me to do that for him. But if not me (and my wife), then who? How can I when mini-me needs direction? He thinks he knows everything at 10. I thought I knew everything at 10. My dad was there to remind me I didn't. How can I when my youngest son looks up to me more than I knew until yesterday? He is my father, who he was named after, in so many ways. He needs me to pass on the wisdom from my dad to him so he can pass it on. How can I when my miracle baby always has a hug and a smile? Every single frickin day. She wakes up and says "Daddy." She is my angel. I don't know how she came to be, but I know she needs daddy. How can I when my wife needs me to deal with 4 kids, two of whom are challenging to say the least? We work together a team. We aren't always perfect. We aren't even always great. We have our rough patches. But we seem to always pull through when no one expects us to. We have our support system and those people are there for us on days like today when life blows.

So you win. I will make the hard decision and do what needs to be done. Not what I want to do, but what I HAVE to do. What my family needs me to do. You know, I think today, when I do this, I am becoming a man. It wasn't when I turned 13 or 18 or 21. It sure as hell wasn't sex. It wasn't when I moved out, got married, or even had kids. It wasn't when I graduated from college. It wasn't when I got a job or a 2nd job or a 3rd job or even when I went to work for myself. No, I feel my dad looking down on me today and saying "Good job, son. (He always called me son.) Today, you did what a man does. Instead of doing what you want to do, you did what you had to do for your family. Today you are a man."

So, dear fuckers, you win this time. I am going to do it. But I promise you, this isn't the end. My friends judge me not on what you say about me, but on what they see in me. My family loves me not for your contorted, messed up views of me, but for who I am. Anyone who thinks that what you say is more important than my actions doesn't need to be in my life. So judge away. Make your noble pronouncements. I hope you feel better about your lowly life. Because today I became a man and you became stepping stone for me to be a better person. I won't ever forget this day and I won't ever be the same. I will now be a better person. So thank you for that. And I will see you next time - on my terms.