My name is, My name is.........

Greek Rectum. That is so not nice of me. Okay, the guys name is not Greek Rectum. But, it might as well be. Dude should be a rectal douche. Why?

So, I am working away today. And I get this call. The guy is an attorney. He practices in bankruptcy law. He would also owe a client of mine some money. Not a ton of money, but some money. She asked for a refund. They said no. I asked for a refund for her. They said no. So, it gets escalated. Remember, I sue people - and I like it.

So, he starts by explaining he wants to resolve this. Apparently his partner Flamboyant Little Thing (just trust me, the name is funny if you think about the opposite of the Big Johnson t-shirts that were popular in the early 90s) was complaining about having to spend time on this. And this partner thinks he has better things to do. At that point, the conversation went downhill. A few of the lowlights:

1. Greek says to me "Hey, bro." Um, hey? Hay is for horses. Now I know his receptionist has a John Elway like mouth, but really, is that my fault? (Okay, go Google John Elway and look at his smile. Seriously, he could play football, but he smiles like Secretariat.) And bro? Suffice it to say, I have exchanged unpleasantries with this guy before. And he calls me bro. I said, and I am not making this part up "I am not your bro, your pal, your friend or your buddy. Don't call me any of those names. I don't even like you." Look, if you have been to my house, we hang out, and I know something about you other than the fact that you are a Rectum Douche, then you can call my bro, brother, pal, buddy, ole friend, or any other similar name. If I think big, fat, hairy white a** when I hear your name, you should probably stick with calling me by my first name or Mr. X.

2. He then says to me "You are looking for coals. I am looking for diamonds on the beach." Okay, I don't know what this means. Seriously. I have no freaking clue. Diamonds on the beach? I dont know much, but I know diamonds come from underground. I have yet to find a diamond on the beach. I mean, maybe he broke out one of those $750 metal detectors and he found one when he was like 16, pasty white with his gut hanging over his Speedo and he thought he was cool, but I have never found a diamond on the beach. I am pretty sure deBeers does not get their diamonds from the beach either.

As for me, coals? I think I like coal. Its hard so you can pick it up and hurl it at people, hitting them in their twerpy little heads and making it go "thud." Of course, in some people's case, it would make the sound of a rock hitting a hollow piece of wood. I'm not saying some people who are heinys have nothing in their heads, but..........

Of course, coal + pressure = diamond. Okay, a lot of pressure. Over a long period of time. But, it still makes a diamond. So I think dude just said that I can take a decent case and turn it into a diamond. I think so. Or maybe he meant that he and his partner turn coal into diamonds in their tuchus'. I mean, these two guys are so uptight that their voices crack during their radio ads. The only thing worse would be if they threw in a one eyed attorney who can't spell and forgot to take a shower.

Seriously, I think he meant he is looking for high dollar cases. But that leads me to #3.

3. He says "I have over 2,000 active clients." He has 4 attorneys. Do the math. 500 cases per attorney, for those of you who are reading this after 10pm and don't want to do the math. There are two types of law firms: volume and quality. And the two shall never meet. Either you try to make your money on volume or you try to make a living by handling a lower number of quality cases. A quality case could be a diamond. It could be. I have never heard anyone ever refer to it as such, but I guess you could. Anyway, 500 cases per attorney means you are doing a volume practice. And when you charge a client, on average, $2,000, you are making a lot of money. Of course, you have overhead, but the gross income number looks impressive.

But, really, if an attorney have 500 active clients, how much time and attention can any one client get? Lets see, in an 8 hour day, that is 480 minutes of work. That is less than one minute per client per day. That is less than 5 minutes per client per week. That is less than 20 minutes per client per month.

Now, I am not a client of a law firm, but I am pretty sure if I dropped $2,000 on an attorney and the attorney spent an hour on my case in 3 months, I would be one ticked off white dude. In a year, the attorney would spend 4 hours. That is $500 per hour. For some guy who hasn't spent more than 4 hours on my case all year. That doesn't sound like a diamond. Well, maybe diamonique. Maybe some cheap, made in a factory reject diamond. That would about fit in with this guy. I think I saw his Hyundai Diamante next to his Vasio watch next to his Looney and Dourke wallet. Yes, this dude carries a murse.

So, there you go. I was called bro, told he was looking for diamonds on the beach and has some ridiculous number of clients. He was surprised that I wasn't so keen on talking to him. Yeah, funny how I don't like people so much who start in with attacks on me and my client. I would attack his client, but I don't think they would get it. You know, those two syllable words are too much for these folks. These people couldn't even count to 16 to figure out when to file a motion. But go on, attack me. In the meantime, I am going to at least have some blog fodder from Rectum, Little Thing and Dweebs.