Are you a bad client?

Okay, maybe this should be a regular series. You know, I can be one of those attorneys who blogs, or makes up blogs, and then tries to turn it into a book deal or a job or something inane like that. Or, I could just keep my day job and do this for fun. Oh, and not make crap up. Yeah, I think I like that better. But, this could still be a regular series. Maybe "Thinks that make you go hmmmm....." No wait, that was taken in the 90s as a song title by C&C Music Factory. Wait, I think these folks were so cool that it wasn't C&C it was C+C. You know, the plus instead of the ampersand. Okay, how many of you knew that this "&" was called an ampersand? And how many of you could spell it? LIARS!

How about if I call it "You might be a bad client if........" You know, like you might be a redneck if....... Of course, I can combine the two. You might be a bad client is you are a redneck. Just take out the might. That is a guarantee!

Anyway, here are a few signs you are a bad client:

1. You call 20+ times in two hours. (Notice the use of + like C+C so I could think I am cool.) Yes, today, a Saturday, I had a client call 22 times in 2 hours. That works out to more than once every 6 minutes. It is like a call every 5 1/2 minutes. That is absurd. First, who the heck has that much free time that he/she can dial the phone every 5 1/2 minutes? Second, who doesn't get the point? If I am not in the first 5 times you call, do you think I am suddenly going to be in the for the next 17 times? Sure, I could pick up the phone one of those random times, but odds are against it. And leaving me a message every time that I need to call you does not mean I am going to call you. I may call you on a Saturday. Chances are about 50-50. But once in a while I like to hang with Mr. Cooper. No wait, that is a tv show from the 80s with Marc Curry. Dude was not that funny. Once in a while I like to hang with my family and that means no calls or maybe one call. I made my one call today. No more calls for me!

2. You call and then put me on hold! Look, if you want to talk to me, great. I don't mind talking. I am more than happy to answer your questions. I will even give you a consultation. Its one reason I have blogs. I don't mind giving people information. But, if you think that calling me and then when I answer saying "Can you hold on?" is a good idea, think again. It means to me that you think your time is more important than mine. Sure, there are emergencies that come up, but that shouldn't be the first time we talk. And if you do it to me on the initial consultation or more than once, it means you really think your time is more important than my time. That makes you a bad client. I will respect your time, but please respect mine. I have another client or two who probably wants to talk to me.

3. You drop profanity on me. If you want to use profanity regularly, be my guest. Call your friends and have conversations that go "Hey you mother-bleeper, how the bleep are you bleeping doing? Did you hear what that bleephead Billy did? That dude is one bleeped up bleeper." Do it all freaking day if you want. Just don't call me and start with profanity. Do I use it? Sure. Some punk wants to call me and be an idiot, I will get off the phone and call someone or tell someone that the guy is a BLEEP! But, I don't use it on the phone unless some POC debt collector drops it on me. You know, like the guy who said he wished I was dead. Then it is fair game. But if you are a client, you are not going to impress me by dropping profanity in the conversation. In fact, it is going to make me question whether your going to be able to stay professional during a trial or a hearing or some other proceeding.

I am sure there are more ways that you can be a bad client. As they come up, I am sure I am going to blog about them. And I am sure some of the attorneys who read this will add to it. But please folks, just following these three simple rules will make sure you are not a bad client - or at least be a start. Oh, one more: don't sing Pit Bull to me. Ever. Automatic firing!