ServicestoLawyers

You need some background for this rant. These folks claim to provide, as their name implies, services to lawyers. But they spam lawyers repeatedly, in my opinion. After asking repeatedly to be removed from their list, they emailed me again. Jesse Levine, who calls himself the CEO and "Head Guru" (I am not making that title up), sent me an email wanting to know what he was missing about personal injury attorneys. So here is my response to him.

(By the way, bonus points for finding the pop culture references.)

You should can the program. In fact, in my opinion, you should can all of your programs. Should I tell you why? I mean, after all, you are just trying to figure out where you have gone wrong.

First, you call yourself the “head guru.” I am sure you find that funny. Busy lawyers who run successful practices do not. In fact, I find it obnoxious. Sure, if you were selling services to Arvid Engen, he may find some humor in it. But, quite frankly, it looks like your bad attempt to be hip. If you are actually hip, you don’t need to call attention to that fact. Do you know any truly hip people who have to tell you they are hip?

Second, you are missing a lot about P.I. lawyers. I think Jake Gittes may be able to help you figure out what you are missing, but in the meantime, I will fill you in. You do not understand that we do not like spam. You do not understand that we do not like it when people do not remove us from their marketing lists despite repeated requests. You do not understand that we do not want your incessant emails telling us how great your program is. If you program were really that great, I am sure one of the many excellent PI attorneys I know would be telling me about your program. Instead, no one says a word about it. Am I missing something about people who want to sell their services to me?

Third, in case you haven’t noticed yet, and I am guessing you have not, PI attorneys are different from mass tort attorneys. Are you not familiar with Jan Schlichtmann? Were the lessons in his story something you did not pick up? Should I ask my torts professor, who made it us study it, to share his notes with you?

Fourth, a “killer” program. I get a lot of people who tell me about their “killer” program. It usually involves something that real people do not use. The last “killer” program I heard about was from a Mr. Charles P. I believe his program wasn’t quite as “killer” as he thought. Of course, I understand there was a program in Milwaukee involving a Jeffrey D. that was quite killer. Unfortunately, I think the program hit the deep freeze.

Fifth, your idea, quite frankly, is lame. I know a lot of motorcycle riders. In fact, I spent the memorial day weekend with the Iron Butts. None of them have ever considered using a system like yours to find an attorney. In reality, when they need an attorney, they ask their friends who are, amazingly, other motorcycle riders. Yes, it is true. Motorcycle riders who need an attorney ask other motorcycle riders. Similarly, I find that soccer moms ask other soccer moms when they need an attorney. So, unless your system has some way of making me a motorcycle rider, it just will not deliver clients.

What you fail to recognize, despite your numerous attempts at witty commentary, is that people looking for a mass tort attorney generally do not have other friends who have mass torts claims. I guess if they all visit the local CVS to get their prescriptions, then they might. I guess Mirapex users could have met other Mirapex users while they were compulsively striping and exchanged information on attorneys there. However, I would assume this is the exception, and not the rule. Mass tort plaintiffs have turned to the internet, or the Law Offices of James Sokolove (Admitted in MA and NY, but affiliated with attorneys nationwide), to find attorneys. They use chat rooms and the like.

Sixth, here is a marketing tip I learned back when I was considering getting my bachelors in business administration: if people are not buying your product, then they do not want it. Interestingly, in economics class, we learned that a product sells where demand and supply cross on the graph. When the price is set to high, supply exceeds demand. I admit this is a simplistic version, but do I really need to go back to economics 1B? If people are not paying 55 cents per motorcycle owner, then either your price is too high or, and I hope you are sitting for this part, no one wants your product. If it is the former, just lower the price. If it is the latter, that is why they invented Big Lots. I strongly suggest you check it out. My 4 year old and 6 year old love it!

Seventh, the phone book is delivered to most American households. I use it regularly. For example, I occasionally need to see over someone. That extra 4” really makes a huge difference. Once in a while, someone send me an email that I find annoying. Instead of writing a long, rambling response like I have been known to do, the phone book works really well for whacking that person. Now, it is not as good as a nice round kick, but the “thud” that the phone book makes when it catches flesh really is music to my ears.

In addition to the many uses of the phone book, when I let my fingers do the walking, I realize the phone book has something you do not know about. Credibility. Sure, the businesses listed all may not be credible. For example, I believe the San Francisco phone book once had a listing for “Bay Area Laboratory Cooperative.” Actually, I think it was listed as “BAY AREA LABORATORY COOPERATIVE.” But, I know that the phone book has information in it that the phone company finds credible. When I find some moderated forum on the internet, I wonder if the people running it having been hanging out in Honah Lee with Jackie Paper or if they ride newspaper taxis on the shore. Unlike other internet marketing methods, the internet forum is an unknown world of pure imagination.

So, in sum, you are missing a lot about PI lawyers. But, don’t feel bad. You are like Gloomy Grim. There are worse things in the world.