Idiots

So today on Facebook, my status was:

Dear Lawyers:

1. I don't care where the hell you went to college.
2. I don't care where the hell you went to law school.
3. I don't care how old you were when you graduated college.
4. I don't care how old you were when you gradated law school.
5. You do NOT have a doctorate. You are not a doctor. Never have been. Never will be.
6. If you are so pompous that you think I need to know 1 through 4 or you plaster your website with 5, you and I will have a problem.

Why would this be my status? Because I was in a bad mood. Let me give you my rules for dealing with people:

A. I don't trust you if you go by your middle name. You are starting out our relationship, be it personal or professional, by hiding something. Primarily, you are hiding your first name. I don't know why you are hiding it. I don't care why you are hiding it. I just know that you are hiding it. Remember that dumb saying that you don't get a second chance to make a first impression? Well, that is true when you go by your middle name. Its like giving me the middle finger! 

B. If you have to tell me how smart you are, then you are not that smart. I told this story to someone today. I didn't know that my dad had his PhD until I was 12. I didn't have a clue as to how smart he was until I was 15 or 16. I didn't really know how smart he was until I was in my 20s. Why? Because he never had to prove to anyone how smart he was. He was just smart. If you think you have to prove to me that you are smart, then you aren't really that smart. Easy enough?

C. If you have to tell me how old you were when you made some major life accomplishment, you are a douchebag. I don't care if you were 10 when you graduated high school. I don't care if you were Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I don't care if Doogie Howser was based on you. Not only do I not care, no one else cares. If you think you need to tell people, then you are a douchebag. Plain and simple. Hence, "Dear Douchebag: We don't care how old you were when you were potty trained. Sincerely, Civilization."

D. If you tell me how old you were when you graduated from college, you have a small dick. Seriously. Yes, I said it. No one cares. That would be the worst pick up line ever. "Hey baby, I graduated college at 15. Wanna have sex?" Worst. Ever. Seriously. It doesn't matter if you were 15, 25, 35, or 95. No one cares. I have to think about how old I was when I graduated college. And law school. Why? Because I don't care how old I was. Life isn't about what you do at a certain age. It is about what you do to make the world a better place.

E. If you have a law degree, you are not a doctor. End of story. Don't even argue it. I am not Dr. Jones. You are an attorney. You are a lawyer. You are a person. You are not a doctor. Don't refer to yourself that way. If you must refer to yourself that way, then you need to call your local plastic surgeon because someone pulled a Lorena Bobbitt on you. (Look it  up, youngsters!) Seriously. We are not doctors. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. 

F. If you have fallen into more than one of these categories, you need a life. Not a "are you breathing?" life, but a real, honest to goodness, fucking life. Get out of the house. Make some friends. Stop driving your Bentley or your Rolls or your whatever. Go out to dinner with some friends. Join Match.com. Get laid. Do something with your life. Because you clearly think the world revolves around you. It does not. Trust me. It never has. It never will. 

Look, this is simple. Just be a decent person. Fuck up once in a while. It is okay. But don't brag about yourself. Don't think anyone else cares. Don't try to be a superhero. Just be yourself. And if you look in the mirror and you can't be yourself, then realize you are an idiot. People see through fake. Sure, it may work for a year or 10 years, but at the end of this, you end up as a loser. 

Am I clear?