Okay, so I was going to write something sad tonight. I was going to explain something or other. But I figured this would be a better use of my time. So I had a topic or five that was building up inside of me. I thought this would be a good time to get them off my chest.
1. Hummers and BMWs - no, not every Hummer and BMW. Wait, let me rephrase that. Not every BMW. But every Hummer.
Why do you drive like an asshole, Mr. Hummer driver? I have so many theories. Lets start with this: you bought a Hummer because you think it sounds like a euphemism for a blow job. Dude, its not. Let's just be clear. The only people who talk about hummers as blow jobs are boys in high school who get to school and say to their buddies "Dude, I got a hummer last night." Seriously, no one older than 17 calls it a hummer. So your alleged euphemism is a crock of crap. That's right - it is crock o'crap.
So, the other reason you bought a Hummer, speaking of hummers, is that you have a small member. Yes, I said it. You are Captain Tiny Dick. You had to break out the microscope to find it. So, how do you compensate? You bought the biggest freaking car they made and you drive it like crap. Of course. That is what everyone does when they can't get a hummer. They buy a Hummer. Heck, if Hummer still existed, then that would be a great tag line: "Can't get a hummer at home, come buy a Hummer from Hummer of Smallcockville." There is a reason they no longer make Hummers. Do you know what it is? All of the guys who are under 3" have already bought them. No one else would ever buy one. DUH!
Okay, so BMW drivers will get a pass tonight. Although, I still don't understand the appeal of a 1-series. I know. You want a BMW. So instead of busting your ass, saving up and buying a 3 series or a 5 series, you buy the piece of crap 1 series that costs as much as a Hyundai. Dude, you would be better off buying a Hyundai. Then you wouldn't look like a loser and you could afford the maintenance so your car doesn't fall to pieces. That would give you this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-34Fdtg1dI (I know. I have used that video before. Deal with it.)
2. Thieves - okay. You are a jackass. You stole my kids' pumpkins. Do you know what you can do? You can kiss my white ass, you piece of crap. What kind of lowlife steals a kid's pumpkin? Seriously. How much of a loser do you have to be to do this? Seriously. In all of my life, even as a kid, I never stole anyone's pumpkins. This is just nonsense. If you need a pumpkin, ask me. I would buy one for you so you don't feel left out. If you are over 10 and you did this, you are a delinquent who should probably be sent to some island where you can't steal a little kid's pumpkin. Jackass.
3. Youth sports - look, I get we want to win. But, seriously, like this? First, stop recruiting kids to a rec team. From out of your area? Really? You need to win that badly. That is a freaking embarrassment to youth sports. You had to go and recruit kids from some place else to come play for you? Really? I can't even express how ridiculous that is. How about you learn to coach, you idiot? I mean, I know you can't kick a ball to save your life. But that doesn't mean you should bend the rules to win.
Speaking of winning, 9-0 is an appropriate final score? For who? Look, I have won games by a lot. And I have lost games by a lot. I would NEVER, EVER let my team win by that much. Ever. In fact, I have bent over backwards to keep games close. It doesn't have to be 2-0, but if you get up by 4, you stop scoring. Or you let them score.
Do you know who does this? People who have never won. Seriously. Think about it. If you are reading this and you have won at sports, would you ever let your team run up the score in a rec game of any sport? No. Why? Because you have felt the lows of losing and the highs of winning. You would never want to be "that guy" because you understand its about the kids.
But if you are a dickface who has run up the score in a recreational game, did you ever win at sports? NO! How do I know this? Because if you did, you would never run up the score on a team. You understand better. Seriously, I would like to take every soccer coach who runs up the score out to a field and let them play 1 v 1 with me. It would be less about how badly I beat them and more about how much I showed them about how much it sucks when you are outclassed. I may not be the best player, but I would whup any coach who runs up the score in a rec game. Fucking idiots who make kids feel bad.
4. Do what you know - can we all stick to what we know? I find it funny how many people know about something so that makes them an expert in everything. I know like 3 things. Total. I know soccer. I know how to talk. I know how to.................dang it, I know 2 things. So I stick to those two things. You don't see me out coaching baseball or basketball. You don't see me teaching sign language. Why?
Because people are supposed to stick with what they know. So you are a teacher? Great. That doesn't mean you know how to tell me how to parent my kid. I am glad you think you do, but teachers aren't always parents and parents aren't always teachers. So you teach, I will parent and we will get along fine.
And it isn't just teachers. A lot of people do this. I am glad you are so confident in what you do that you think you can be everything to everyone. You can't. So stop. Please?
5. Speaking of parenting, can we stop telling people how to parent their kids? You don't know my kids. I don't know your kids. I promise you I won't tell you how to parent your kids if you will shut the fuck up about how to parent my kids. I am not perfect. I am not even close to perfect. But I try. And isn't that all we ask? Try to do the best job you can do. But lets all butt out and let parents parent while we stop criticizing!
Okay, there. I said it. At least, for tonight. I am sure there will be more to come at some point - soon!
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