This, that and the other thing - oh, and two more things as well

Okay, so I was going to write something sad tonight. I was going to explain something or other. But I figured this would be a better use of my time. So I had a topic or five that was building up inside of me. I thought this would be a good time to get them off my chest.

1. Hummers and BMWs - no, not every Hummer and BMW. Wait, let me rephrase that. Not every BMW. But every Hummer.

Why do you drive like an asshole, Mr. Hummer driver? I have so many theories. Lets start with this: you bought a Hummer because you think it sounds like a euphemism for a blow job. Dude, its not. Let's just be clear. The only people who talk about hummers as blow jobs are boys in high school who get to school and say to their buddies "Dude, I got a hummer last night." Seriously, no one older than 17 calls it a hummer. So your alleged euphemism is a crock of crap. That's right - it is crock o'crap.

So, the other reason you bought a Hummer, speaking of hummers, is that you have a small member. Yes, I said it. You are Captain Tiny Dick. You had to break out the microscope to find it. So, how do you compensate? You bought the biggest freaking car they made and you drive it like crap. Of course. That is what everyone does when they can't get a hummer. They buy a Hummer. Heck, if Hummer still existed, then that would be a great tag line: "Can't get a hummer at home, come buy a Hummer from Hummer of Smallcockville." There is a reason they no longer make Hummers. Do you know what it is? All of the guys who are under 3" have already bought them. No one else would ever buy one. DUH!

Okay, so BMW drivers will get a pass tonight. Although, I still don't understand the appeal of a 1-series. I know. You want a BMW. So instead of busting your ass, saving up and buying a 3 series or a 5 series, you buy the piece of crap 1 series that costs as much as a Hyundai. Dude, you would be better off buying a Hyundai. Then you wouldn't look like a loser and you could afford the maintenance so your car doesn't fall to pieces. That would give you this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-34Fdtg1dI (I know. I have used that video before. Deal with it.)

2. Thieves - okay. You are a jackass. You stole my kids' pumpkins. Do you know what you can do? You can kiss my white ass, you piece of crap. What kind of lowlife steals a kid's pumpkin? Seriously. How much of a loser do you have to be to do this? Seriously. In all of my life, even as a kid, I never stole anyone's pumpkins. This is just nonsense. If you need a pumpkin, ask me. I would buy one for you so you don't feel left out. If you are over 10 and you did this, you are a delinquent who should probably be sent to some island where you can't steal a little kid's pumpkin. Jackass.

3. Youth sports - look, I get we want to win. But, seriously, like this? First, stop recruiting kids to a rec team. From out of your area? Really? You need to win that badly. That is a freaking embarrassment to youth sports. You had to go and recruit kids from some place else to come play for you? Really? I can't even express how ridiculous that is. How about you learn to coach, you idiot? I mean, I know you can't kick a ball to save your life. But that doesn't mean you should bend the rules to win.

Speaking of winning, 9-0 is an appropriate final score? For who? Look, I have won games by a lot. And I have lost games by a lot. I would NEVER, EVER let my team win by that much. Ever. In fact, I have bent over backwards to keep games close. It doesn't have to be 2-0, but if you get up by 4, you stop scoring. Or you let them score.

Do you know who does this? People who have never won. Seriously. Think about it. If you are reading this and you have won at sports, would you ever let your team run up the score in a rec game of any sport? No. Why? Because you have felt the lows of losing and the highs of winning. You would never want to be "that guy" because you understand its about the kids.

But if you are a dickface who has run up the score in a recreational game, did you ever win at sports? NO! How do I know this? Because if you did, you would never run up the score on a team. You understand better. Seriously, I would like to take every soccer coach who runs up the score out to a field and let them play 1 v 1 with me. It would be less about how badly I beat them and more about how much I showed them about how much it sucks when you are outclassed. I may not be the best player, but I would whup any coach who runs up the score in a rec game. Fucking idiots who make kids feel bad.

4. Do what you know - can we all stick to what we know? I find it funny how many people know about something so that makes them an expert in everything. I know like 3 things. Total. I know soccer. I know how to talk. I know how to.................dang it, I know 2 things. So I stick to those two things. You don't see me out coaching baseball or basketball. You don't see me teaching sign language. Why?

Because people are supposed to stick with what they know. So you are a teacher? Great. That doesn't mean you know how to tell me how to parent my kid. I am glad you think you do, but teachers aren't always parents and parents aren't always teachers. So you teach, I will parent and we will get along fine.

And it isn't just teachers. A lot of people do this. I am glad you are so confident in what you do that you think you can be everything to everyone. You can't. So stop. Please?

5. Speaking of parenting, can we stop telling people how to parent their kids? You don't know my kids. I don't know your kids. I promise you I won't tell you how to parent your kids if you will shut the fuck up about how to parent my kids. I am not perfect. I am not even close to perfect. But I try. And isn't that all we ask? Try to do the best job you can do. But lets all butt out and let parents parent while we stop criticizing!

Okay, there. I said it. At least, for tonight. I am sure there will be more to come at some point - soon!

On making decisions...........

I was really trying to make October a positive month. I thought I could do it. I made it all of one day. It was literally like 24 hours. It started because I was in a bit of a funk. I didn't know what was wrong. I was talking to a guy I know and he helped. And then..................

Then I realized people suck. All people. I think its just inherent in human nature. Maybe that is too harsh. People are neither inherently good nor inherently bad. People are inherently interested in what is best for them. So people make decisions based on what they think is best for them. Secondary considerations do not matter.

It takes a person to make a conscious effort to stop and think "How might this affect someone else?" It takes more of an effort to think "How could this be a positive thing?" and "How could this be a negative thing?"

Think about it. It is almost lunch time. Most people are thinking "What do I want for lunch?" It is an easy question. It is also, by its nature, only about you. It is not about anyone else. Look at it again. It doesn't ask what does your coworker want for lunch. It asks simply what do you want for lunch.

Now, what you have for lunch, may be none of my business. It probably is none of my business. I get that. But, your decision could have an impact on other people. For example, what about Suzie, sitting in her cubicle? Has anyone asked what she wants for lunch? It may not be the act of having lunch with Suzie that makes a hill of beans of difference in her life. It may be the act of ASKING that makes a difference. Maybe Suzie is a bitch. Maybe she smells. Maybe she doesn't shower. And, maybe, just maybe, she couldn't afford to buy soap or her washing machine broke and she can't get to the laundromat. Maybe she feels bad and stays to herself because of it. And, maybe she just wants someone to invite her, even though she woudn't go.  So the fact that you don't ask, can have a negative impact on someone else. Do you HAVE to ask? Nope. Should you ask? Yep.

Of course, if you ask, maybe you find out that Suzie's husband is sick. Or her car broke down. Or her child is struggling in school. Maybe you find out something simple, like Suzie needs someone to cover her for an hour next Friday. And maybe that is something you can do. But you only find out if you ask because Suzie is too shy/embarrassed/whatever to ask.

Look, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the world is a small place. It gets smaller with technology. 10 years ago, no one would read this. Hell, today no one is probably reading this. But, someone may stumble upon it. With Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and Pinterest and whatever else is out there, its easy for people to figure out what is going on in your life and for you to see what is going on in their lives.

So maybe now, more than ever, it would make the world a better place if we all stopped and thought "What about someone else?" Would it be nice if we did it with every decision? Probably, but that is also unrealistic. So, maybe we just start small, with one decision. Maybe we just think about our friends and family when we make decisions.

Or, as is more likely, maybe I am just full of some naive view of the world and no one will listen.