Good versus great

I was 16. My dad asked me to drive him to a business dinner. Sure, I said. Okay, fine, I was really like "This is ridiculous. You want me to drive you to dinner and sit there." He offered me food. Good food. And oysters - on the half shell. Who can say no to that? Dinner in La Jolla with all the oysters I could eat for driving him 25 minutes each way. Deal.

I took him there. It was a group of orthodontists. These guys were the best in the country, or so I was told. One was my orthodontist. He fixed my teeth and got to use my mouth in his book. Yep, I have a famous mouth that is in a book about freaking orthodontics.

So I was listening to these guys talk and they all seemed nice enough. They were from all over the country and the dinner conversation blew - big time. But on the way home, I said to my dad "So, what makes the difference between a good orthodontist and these guys?" My dad thought about it for a minute and then said "Lets say a patient comes in at 4:45 and has a problem. The orthodontist has a dinner with his wife at 6. He can do a quick fix and make it to dinner or he can do the right fix, which will take longer, and be late for dinner. The good orthodontist does the quick fix. The great one does the right fix and is late for dinner." Hey, that's pretty simple, I thought. There isn't much difference between good and great.

My dad was probably right. He usually was. Still the smartest guy I ever knew. But, lately, I have learned there is more to it. The story applies to any profession - the plumber who can cap a pipe and fix it later or replace the pipe; the doctor who can draw blood for a blood test or send the patient to the lab; the lawyer who can file the motion and be late or put it off for another day; it goes on and on.

But there is more. What happens when the great orthodontist is faced with a patient who needs a simple fix for $50 or but could have a more complicated fix that will cost $950 and the orthodontist needs to pay the mortgage? Does he do the right fix for $50 or does he make it more complicated to charge more money? What would you do?

It is simple to sit here in theoretical terms and say "I would do the simple fix." But would you? What if the extra $900 was the difference between food on the table for your family or going to the food closet? Sit and think and you will find its harder than it looks.

So, there I sat last week. The mortgage is paid. There is food on the table. But I received a call from someone who might have needed an attorney. We talked. He really wanted to hire me. He thought he needed an attorney. I talked him out of it. Would the money have helped? Absolutely. Would it have been beneficial to my family? Yep. Would I take it? No.

I am not saying I am great. Hell, I am not sure I am good at this most of the time. But I had a choice to make. I made the choice that would let me sleep at night and know I did the right thing. I think my dad would have been proud of me. I hope he would be. It was the right decision. I think I got some strength from knowing I could have taken the money, but didn't. I did the right thing. That's enough for me.

Today

Fuck me. Not literally. Well, unless you are Diane Lane. In which case, feel free. (I am joking.) I don't fucking understand people. I just don't. I am sitting here typing this with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes. Yep, I admit it. I am crying again.

What the fuck is wrong with people? They take a look at one small instance of someone's life and judge them. Suddenly, from 2 hours of meeting with me, you know who I am? Bullshit. You dont know the first thing about me. Why? Because you didn't want to know me. You had your pea-brain mind made up about me before we first met. You were so smug, so smart. You knew everything.

Newsflash: you never know everything and there is always someone smarter than you. Yep. We all have to learn that lesson. I learned it when I thought I was smarter than my dad. I really did. Dude had a PhD in pharmaceutical chemistry and I was so sure I was smarter than him. (It turned out he was flawed though, he couldn't tutor me in high school chemistry where I got a D. Yep, I got a D in high school chemistry with a father who was a research chemist for the first 7 or 8 years of his working life and who had a Ph fucking D.) Turns out, I was wrong. I was so sure I was right. I knew everything. I was 15 years old. Turns out 15 year olds are idiots - a lesson I learned again last night.

So now someone thinks that they are so smart, that they know who I am. I know who I am. I am a father, a husband, a man (as of this week), a son even if my parents arent here anymore, a brother to a sister who has died and a brother who doesnt talk to me, and I am me. I am a good person. Fuck you if you don't believe me. You don't matter to me. I dont fucking care what you think. I did. I admit it. I spent most of the last 2 years caring what you think. A lot of good that did me.

I hurt because I care. I fucking care too much some times. I care about my friends. I care about my family. I care about my clients. That is the death knell of an attorney. We aren't supposed to care. Well, guess what, I do. I get personally invested in their cases. Its why I can't take cases that I don't believe in. Hell, I care about the homeless guy who was sitting outside of Starbucks last week on a cold evening. I bought him a cup of coffee. Its just simply the right thing to do.

So you think of me as the devil. You find me evil. Fine. You don't know who I am. You don't care to know who I am. And quite frankly, you don't deserve to know who I am. I have made mistakes in life. Let me just be perfectly clear about this: I AM SORRY. If I have hurt you, I am sorry. If I have offended you, I am sorry. If I have done something that bothers you, I am sorry. I don't think I make the same mistakes twice though, which means I learn from them.

But those mistakes don't define me. Those mistakes shape me and my successes in life define me. I shouldn't be sitting here today. Not literally. I shouldn't be sitting here as a college graduate or a law school graduate. I got kicked out of the 7th grade. Yep. I made it through high school - barely. My guidance counselor told me not to bother applying. I was on the speech team. Some kid from New Jersey with a funny accent who wasn't outgoing and couldn't talk for 2 minutes. I was told I couldn't make it through law school at night. Hell, I was told I couldnt earn my CPCU. Maybe those people were right. But I persevered. (I saw myself in my youngest son on Saturday when he kept falling down ice skating and kept getting up. The kid was going to skate.)

I am not a failure because of my mistakes. I am not an idiot, a moron, a bad person, the devil, evil incarnate or anything else. I am a father. And while I screw up, I try. I am a husband, and while I know I screw up as a husband, I try. Look, I didn't have the world's greatest role model. (You think that doesn't hurt to say?) But he tried like his dad before him. My dad wasn't around a lot. I learned from him. So I screw up, but I try. I try hard. No man in my family has ever claimed to be perfect at parenting or being a husband. Hell, I wasnt even a great son, and that should be pretty easy.

But I am true to myself. I know what I stand for. I believe in all of those things that we think are idiotic. I believe in our system of justice. I sure as hell know today that our justice system works better than other systems. I believe in people. I think people are generally good. I believe that if we all did one good thing a week, the world would be a better place.

So, fuck me right now because I am feeling sorry for myself. This too will end. And probably before another hour passes. I do know that I am a generally good person who stands up for what he believes him. I know that I generally put other people first, whether I should or not, I don't know. I know that I care, that I love, that I try. So, get to know me before you make bold pronouncements of who I am. And then if you still dont like me, fuck you.

Choices in Life

Sometimes in life we have to make choices that suck. We come to the proverbial fork in the road and we have to choose. I know this better than most since I studied economics in college. Its basically the study of decision making. Its just that sometimes what you want to do and what you need to do are two different things.

Every day, we make tons of decisions. Do I talk to person A or do I let their call go to voice mail? Do I respond to the all caps, yelling email or do I hit the delete button? Do I yell at the asshole on the other end of the phone or do I let them continue yelling?

Then there are more important choices. Do you go visit a loved one in the hospital? (YES! Trust me.) Do you protect your kid from all of the evils in the world or let them learn that there are bad people or people who do bad things?

I am at that fork in the road. Its tough. I sit here today sad. Not sad for making the decision I am going to make. I know I have to. Sad because of the circumstances that have put me in this position.

I am a fighter by nature. I want to prove I am right at all costs. I want to kick the crap out of people, not literally, but figuratively. My high school guidance counselor told me I wouldn't get accepted to college. I did. I graduated in 4 years. Fuck her. My first boss out of college told me I shouldn't bother trying to earn my CPCU designation. 10 tests, 3 years later (I had to meet the minimum years of working requirement) I flew to San Diego to attend the ceremony. Thanks for giving me the motivation to prove you are an idiot.

My first practice test in law school I failed. Yep, I failed. I didn't have a clue as to what I was doing. I made crap up. Literally. Turns out that wasn't such a good way to go. 4 years of working, kids, and law school later I managed to graduate. Here I sit a month and 5 days from my 8 year anniversary of running my own firm. I guess I did know a thing or two.

But I also love. I care. I know there is hurt in the world. I can't fix it. I tried. Trust me, I have tried. I failed that. My soccer event? We raised over $6,000 and all I got from Susan G Komen was a thank you note WITH A REQUEST FOR MORE MONEY. I guess I failed in making the world a little better by our small donation to cure breast cancer, which, by the way, should go fuck off. I have tried to use the law to help the little guy, not literally as on TLC, but figuratively. I thought I could make a difference. Turns out, there is only so much you can do.

I have 4 kids. My 3 boys and my baby girl. I have a wife. That's it. That's my family now. I tried to wish my brother a happy birthday and he ignored me. Fine. I promised my mom before she died that I would make an effort. I will keep trying to make an effort. Its tilting at windmills, I think, but I promised my mom I would do it so I will keep doing it. Color me a fucking idiot.

So I now look at things differently. I have to do what is best for the 5 people who count on me, not necessarily for me. I want to stay and fight. I want to prove a point. I want to stand up and say "Fuck you. I am not the devil incarnate." But I can't and I won't. How can I when I know my oldest son needs someone to stand up for him and I have to be here to do that? He doesn't even know that he needs me to do that for him. But if not me (and my wife), then who? How can I when mini-me needs direction? He thinks he knows everything at 10. I thought I knew everything at 10. My dad was there to remind me I didn't. How can I when my youngest son looks up to me more than I knew until yesterday? He is my father, who he was named after, in so many ways. He needs me to pass on the wisdom from my dad to him so he can pass it on. How can I when my miracle baby always has a hug and a smile? Every single frickin day. She wakes up and says "Daddy." She is my angel. I don't know how she came to be, but I know she needs daddy. How can I when my wife needs me to deal with 4 kids, two of whom are challenging to say the least? We work together a team. We aren't always perfect. We aren't even always great. We have our rough patches. But we seem to always pull through when no one expects us to. We have our support system and those people are there for us on days like today when life blows.

So you win. I will make the hard decision and do what needs to be done. Not what I want to do, but what I HAVE to do. What my family needs me to do. You know, I think today, when I do this, I am becoming a man. It wasn't when I turned 13 or 18 or 21. It sure as hell wasn't sex. It wasn't when I moved out, got married, or even had kids. It wasn't when I graduated from college. It wasn't when I got a job or a 2nd job or a 3rd job or even when I went to work for myself. No, I feel my dad looking down on me today and saying "Good job, son. (He always called me son.) Today, you did what a man does. Instead of doing what you want to do, you did what you had to do for your family. Today you are a man."

So, dear fuckers, you win this time. I am going to do it. But I promise you, this isn't the end. My friends judge me not on what you say about me, but on what they see in me. My family loves me not for your contorted, messed up views of me, but for who I am. Anyone who thinks that what you say is more important than my actions doesn't need to be in my life. So judge away. Make your noble pronouncements. I hope you feel better about your lowly life. Because today I became a man and you became stepping stone for me to be a better person. I won't ever forget this day and I won't ever be the same. I will now be a better person. So thank you for that. And I will see you next time - on my terms.

WTF is wrong with the world

What the hell is going on these days? Seriously, is Mercury in retrograde. Is Venus aligned with the Planet Formerly Known as Pluto? Er, the rock mass formerly known as a planet known as Pluto? Are the earth's bamboo trees turned backwards to bring bad luck?

Smokin' Joe Frazier dies. Joe Paterno is forced out at Penn State. These things happen. We know that. Life is a cycle. We are born, we live, we fuck up, we learn from our fuck ups, we make new fuck ups, we learn from those fuck ups, then we die. Its the life cycle. Frazier was at the end of it. Paterno was nearing the end but had a fuck up. A major one. Gigantic. I hope he learned from it. I hope we all learned from this.

I don't get the world. I know this cycle happens. But I see bitterness. I hear it on the radio. I can't turn on anything and listen to it with my kids in the car. Celebrity divorces. Kids being molested. Adults standing by and doing nothing. Greece failing. Italy close behind. Occupy Everything.

(Okay, I get Occupy Wall Street. I get Occupy San Francisco or Phoenix or San Diego or any other big city. But Occupy Elk Grove is idiotic. Occupy Yreka? I can't even pick out Yreka on a map - and neither can you. And its not funny to put Occupy in front of any word. Occupy Cold Stone Creamery? You just sound like a moron. Occupy The Internet? Really? How about you just occupy your own little space on the planet and try to make that place a better place.)

I am confused. I dont have the answers. I did read a proverb once that said something like dont just teach your children yourself because they grow up in a different time. My dad used to say something like that. He would tell me that each generation has it harder than the next. My grandparents grew up with World War I and the Great Depression. My dad had World War II and the sixties. My generation: drugs, AIDS, war after war (er, conflict after conflict). My kids grow up hearing about September 11, but not quite understanding. And who knows what else is out there.

So, I admit it. I dont know what is wrong with the world. I do know a few things.

Don't judge others until you have walked at least half a mile in their shoes. Its easy to sit down and look back at decisions people made and question them. But try being in the moment and making some of those decisions. Some work out. Some don't. But don't sit there after the fact and tell me that you think I made bad decisions because I am a bad person. That is simply wrong.

Life is hard. Yep, it is hard. Its hard at 2 when you need someone to change your diaper. Its hard at 7 when you have to go to school. Its hard at 13 when you go through puberty. Its hard at 18 when you start college. Its hard at 22 when you have to get a real job. Its hard at 30 and 35 and 40. And sometimes your life is harder than the person next to you. But, its probably also easier than the guy sleeping on the street, the guy who lost a leg fighting in a war, or the mom who lost a baby. We need to remember that.

Give back. I don't mean money. You can do that. You can give time. You can give of yourself. I am a big fan of The Untied Way. (Google it or go read my posts from December, 2010.) But you like baseball? Go find a group and teach them how to play. You know how to paint? Go teach someone. The world would be a better place if everyone gave back a few hours a week.

Love one another. I know its a cliche. Sorry. You don't like it? Don't read it. I dont write this for you anyway. If people would just stop being so negative, so mean, and get to know each other and show some fucking compassion, some understanding, everything would be better. I don't get all the hate and anger in the world. I know I am to play. I hate some debt collectors. But I am going to vow to work on that and be nicer to everyone who calls me, be it a client, another attorney or a debt collector or insurance adjuster. I am going to kill them with kindness.

You don't like me? Fine. Thats your fucking loss, you douche. Because while I am not perfect, I am not the devil either. I screw up. I make mistakes. But I am going to help you when you need it. I don't turn my back on friends. I don't leave people out there who are in need. Its sometimes bad for business. It sometimes gets me burned. But I am tired of the fucking nonsense and bullshit and judging that goes on. Cant we be nice to each other for a change?

Now, I am going to get some Giant Pandas, which might be my favorite animals of all time, and see if they can fix the bamboo. Then I am going to call Virgin Atlantic and ask them to send their fancy rocket ship into space to turn Mercury or do whatever you have to do so its not in retrograde. Then I am going to leave you with this: RIP Smokin Joe and lets all say a prayer for the kids who were hurt at Penn State and Joe Paterno, for whatever mistakes he made, he also helped hundreds, thousands of kids over the last 46 years.

On Regrets

I was driving home today and saw a double rainbow. Ever see a double rainbow? Of course you have. You haven't seen the leprechaun at the end of the rainbow. He doesn't exist. But you have seen a double rainbow. Its not like its that uncommon.

Anyway, I was driving home and saw a double rainbow. Then I had the SiriusXM on the radio and heard some songs from my youth. Fine, I was listening to 80s on 8. Its all of my youth. Remember, it was 1st grade through high school for me. So it pretty much covered my childhood. I don't remember what song came on. Maybe it was when I was flipping back to "terrestrial radio" and heard an ad for Gordon Lightfoot. (If you don't know who he is, listen to his best song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqMG3VR5PP4) Anyway, whatever it was, made me think of my childhood. Then I thought about what regrets I have had in the last almost 40 years.

I decided I have two regrets. Regret 1: I didn't get down to San Diego when my dad was in the hospital 9 years ago. He called me a few days after my birthday. He was in the hospital with a stomach obstruction. (Okay, so it wasn't quite the stomach, but you don't want the details.) The message was that he would be out in a day. It wasn't that big of a deal. Its worse. Not only did I not go down there, I didn't call back. And what happened? He died. You want a regret in life? Don't get back to see your parent before he/she dies when you know they are in the hospital. Sucks is an understatement. Fucking sucks is an understatement. The crappiest feeling in the world? Not even close to how this feels. So that is my biggest regret.

Regret 2: Not standing up for myself when I was younger. Nothing specific here. Just not standing up for myself when I had the chance. I could have on numerous occasions. I didn't. Ever. Those of you who know me now are probably surprised that I didn't speak up. But I didn't. Lack of self confidence? Being short enough to have my own TLC show? I don't know what it was. But I do know I didn't stand up for myself. Kind of sucks. A lot. I wish I had.

Of course, now I stand up for the little people, and no, not the people on that crappy TLC show. Those people make enough money for exploiting their lack of height that I don't really consider them the little people anymore. Anyone say 1%? I stand up for the people who have no one else who stands up for them. I think this is why. I finally figured it out. I stand up for people who are being taken advantage of by others. So I guess something good came out of regret 2, although I still wish I had done it.

As for regret 1, I learned from my mistake. When my mom called me and said she was dying, I flew down to San Diego. I wasn't going to make that same mistake twice. I couldn't live with myself if I did. So I guess something good came out of that as well. Although, its a crappy lesson to have to learn for oneself.

So there you go. Two regrets. Nothing more, nothing less. I did things I am not proud of. I have hurt people I love. I have hurt people I care about. I haven't always made the right decision. But I don't regret those things. I learned from them. I grew as a person. I am sorry if you are reading this and you are one of the people I hurt. I do apologize. But I do not have regrets. I am moving forward with these two regrets which will shape my life more than I could have known at the time.