The R Word

Okay, another rant. People just bug me these days. I don't know why. Maybe I am more sensitive than normal. Maybe its that time of the year. (Oh, don't pretend to be offended by that. Its not offensive.) Maybe I just don't have patience. Maybe people are just dumber than normal.

Let me start with what I posted on my Facebook page last week. There is some douche who has a radio show in Sacramento. He thinks he is funny. And he can be funny. He has an intern and a producer. And by producer I mean a marble-mouthed dweeb who can't complete a sentence in English without sounding like the teacher in Peanuts. Seriously. I don't know how you make a living on the radio if you can't fucking enunciate. (Trying spelling enunciate correctly. Its a bitch. They should put that in the Spelling Bee. It sure wasn't on my speak and spell.) Anyway, these guys apparently make a good living on the radio, better than most of us make. But apparently they think calling people a retard is funny.

Why is it not funny? For the same reason its not funny to call someone a "n***er" or a "sp**" or a "f**" a la Kobe Bryant. Its not funny to make fun of someone for something that they cannot control that differentiates them. Sorry. Its just not. If I were to walk around and start dropping the N word on folks, I would have my ass kicked. And rightfully so. As a matter of fact, I would kick my own ass if I used that word. I would lift my leg and smack myself in my ample rear. And I would deserve it.

But, its worse to call someone a retard. Why? I mean, after all, its just a name, right? With this word, what I shall now call the "r" word, you are making fun of people who, by their very nature, cannot defend themselves. Sorry, most folks who are mentally challenged cannot have an argument with you about why you a worthless piece of crap who should go for a long walk off of a short pier. They don't have the mental capacity for it. Just like some people cannot change their race or nationality, these folks cannot take a pill to fix whatever you think is wrong with them.

So why can I call these dweebs names or make fun of this dickweed's lack of ability to speak clearly? Because you can control being a dumbass. You can control how you speak, unless you have a stutter. You can control the jokes you make about people and what you call them. You can learn not to be panty-waste. And if you think you are so funny and that making these jokes are funny, I would be more than happy to sit down with you and play snaps. Trust me, I will win. There isn't much I can do, but I am pretty good at the insults.

There is a lot that is funny. My ability to sit down and eat chocolate cupcakes is funny. The fact that Baby Got Back was a song, or that it was a hit, is funny. Jokes about JaFatboy Russell are funny. Jokes about Donald Trump's hair are funny. Jerry Seinfeld is funny. Family Guy is freaking hilarious. We can agree on most of this. Jokes about someone not being so smart or having a mental illness just aren't funny. I don't know why people think its funny. Especially those folks who are in a position of being able to use their words to communicate with people.

I just' dont get it. I think we should start a campaign. A campaign to kick the crap out of douches who don't get it. These are just assholes. Sorry. There is no other way to put it.

Back to your regular programming.

WTF is wrong with people

Okay, I have to get this off my chest. People are whiners. No, not every person. But a lot of people. Maybe even most people. Not most people. But a fair number of people.

Lets see. People whine about today's kids. What, exactly, is wrong with today's kids? Sure, the boys walk around with their pants around their ankles. They apparently think we want to see their dirty tighty-whities. We don't. Trust me. The girls think that shorts should stop at such a spot that they look like swimsuits. A little extra fabric wouldn't kill them. It would probably help.

But adults, and this means folks of my generation too, seem to think that every kid out there is causing trouble. My dad once told me that each generation has it a bit harder growing up then the one before. Sure, they have iPods, iPads, iPhones, i(P)whatevers. They have computers, that internet thingy and all of its tubes that Al Gore invented.

But they also have a lot of crap to deal with. I can barely do the math homework for my 4th grader. I can't keep up with it. They have to deal with making mistakes and the whole world seeing them. People putting things up on YouTube or blogging (ironic, isn't it?) or Facebooking about it. Heck, we screwed up and our parents knew and maybe a few friends. Kids screw up now and everyone and their mother sees it. Plus about a billion folks in China and India. Make a mistake now as a kid and have someone videotape it and it could affect getting in to college or a job.

And they have to deal with stereotypes. They walk down the street and suddenly they are drug dealers because their pants sag. Or they are gang bangers for wearing red or blue or whatever the color is. (I am pretty sure there is no rainbow gang, but that probably isn't far behind in being claimed by these perfect adults.) The kids don't show proper respect or they aren't taught manners.

Here is an idea: maybe they just are having a rough time. Maybe dad died and mom is working two jobs. Maybe they don't have a role model. But what do these folks do? Do they offer to help out? No. They just criticize the kids and lump them all together. I am sure it makes them feel better. Wait, let's try this: All adults who whine about kids are just big fat whiners. All adults who want to stereotype kids are kidists. (Think racists but with kid instead of race. Get it?) All adults who do this are douchebags. There. I think that is perfect.

But there are more whiners. What about those people who complain about where they live? You don't like your town - move. Ya, you Joe and Gavin Madouche. Sacramento isn't cool enough for you? Go back to your failing casino in Vegas. Oh, but this isn't limited to rich dweebs who don't know how to run a professional sports franchise. I get people who live in my town who complain its turning into LA. Really? LA? I like the sun, but Elk Grove is to LA as food is to electricity. (I learned that by helping my 4th grader with his homework!) They aren't even in the same category. If you don't like where you live, because we live in such a great country, you can move your fat, useless arse out of my town. If you need help, as my mom used to say, I will pack your shmatas. (Yiddish for rags.)

Then there is stupid tv show called "Pregnant in Heels." Some its some chick who makes her living telling pregnant women what to do when they are pregnant. My guess is that it is rich people who pay for this. Normal folks can't afford to hire her and her fake accent. She sounds like a mix between fingernails down a chalk board and Madonna during her fake British accent phase.

So first this chick talks about how great it is that men buy a "push present" that is a diamond bracelet for their wives who deliver a baby. WTF? A push present? Your present is a baby. Yep, I am pretty sure that is a present. Stop being a whiner and expecting a present for delivering a baby. That's nonsense.

But then chick goes on about how she has a child, but apparently can't get pregnant. So, according to her, the only way to finish a family is to have another baby. As in, get pregnant again. Really? That is the only way to have a family? Um, on behalf of my three boys - F___ YOU! There are plenty of ways to have a family and getting pregnant is just one of them. That doesn't mean someone else's family is not as great as yours. You are a bitch if you think that getting pregnant makes a woman a mother. You clearly don't get it and you should go jump in the Hudson River. My wife was just as much a mother when we adopted our 3 boys as she is now after delivering our baby girl. If you don't understand that, then you are dumber than the other folks who whine about where they live or about "today's kids." You don't get it, you never will and your show should be cancelled solely because you are a schmuck.

That's all for now. More soon, I am sure.