Don't ever question me

I am pissed. I have been pissed for a few days. I have to remove some facts to protect the guilty - or the idiots - or the morons. So, I will get it off my chest now.

A couple of days ago I had a call from an attorney about an issue. The attorney was calling me as a witness. He did not know what I did for a living. When I asked very basic questions, I mean questions that a first year law student would know the answers to, he gave me the wrong answers. For example, did you know you can be sued for negligence? Negligence means you did something below the standard of care. That is a fancy way for saying you made a mistake and someone got hurt. Negligence does not require you to intend to hurt someone. In fact, by definition, it is not intentional. Think of a car crash. It is a car accident, not a car intentional.

Anyway, after he was done lying to me, I asked if he knew what I did for a living. He told me no. So I told him what I did. He asked what kind of attorney I was. I told him I am the kind who sues people for a living. I wasn't rude about it. I wasn't a jackass about it. I was just matter of fact. What do I do? I sue people. Seriously. I sue people. Not everyone, but people who deserve it.

At that point, he decided I was going to be hostile. Well, long before that he decided he was going to be a jackass. Yes, a jackass. He was a huge jackass. How do I know? Rule #1: never trust anyone who uses their middle name. They start the relationship off by lying to you. Yes, they are lying about their name. Liar, liar pants on fire. Tell me what your first name is if you want this to work.

Anyway, he was calling me about an issue with my kid. Fine. I told him I was protective of my kid. He asked if I cared more about my kid than other kids. Um, how do I put this without sounding like an asshole? Yes. I do. I care about my kids. I love them. And, if you hurt my kid, we have an issue, whether it is physically, emotionally, mentally or some other way.

So he continues with this about how I don't care about other people. I am a jerk, clearly. I mean, any parent who cares about their own kid clearly is an asswipe or a douchebag. What kind of piece of crap human would care about their own kid more than other kids? We should clearly not let those people be parents.

At this point, I am pissed. Like, pissed beyond belief. I stop him and explain to him, politely but firmly, that I am the PTO co-President, mock trial advisor, wrestling coach, 20+ year soccer coach, and I go to the worst schools, not the bad schools, but the worst of the worst and talk to the kids about being successful. But, yes, you are right you piece of crap that I don't care about other people's kids. I volunteer all of this because I am a shitbag. Yes, a human shitbag. That is me.

Look, I do a lot wrong. I get it. I am not perfect. In fact, I am pretty fucking far from perfect. I am mean. I make people cry. I can be biting in my sarcasm. I can just be a complete fucking ass. I have made mistakes, some bigger than others. I am not a role model. I am not even a good person half the time. Do not look up to me. I am fine with it.

But do not ever, ever question my commitment to making sure our kids, not my kids, but OUR kids are going to do better in this life than I have done. Do not ever think I don't give to our kids. Every single fucking day I do something for someone else's kids, whether it is tying a shoe or volunteering or talking to them or simply making sure that they have what they need to be successful. Yes, you can skewer me for a lot. But if you ever try to make me look like the piece of shit you are, we will have an issue and I am sure that I will come out on top.

So, dear douchebag: remember there is always someone out there who is smarter than you. I know there is someone out there smarter than me. You, however, scum, are not smarter than me and if you push me too much, you will not like the result. I assure you of that.