A rant for me- cancer sucks

Some folks may be offended by this one. Some people may find it rude. There is profanity in it. I don't really care right now. I would suggest you stop reading now.

A few days ago on Facebook, I updated my status to "Dear Cancer: F*** you. Sincerely, Me." That wasn't right. I really meant "Dear Cancer: FUCK YOU. You are a mother fucking, son-of-a-bitch, fargin icehole (from Johnny Dangerously). You should be annihilated. You serve no useful purpose. You are a piece of crap. Sorry, crap. That is offensive to you. Sincerely, Most of society."

I started this just after getting back from what turned out to be my last visit with my mom. She closed her eyes after we left and didn't come back. Sure, she lived a few more weeks, but she didn't live. After all, just breathing isn't life. There has to be some quality to it.

Its interesting how this has affected me over the last 5 months. This was started five months ago today. It is ending now. Those 5 months have taught me so much, about me, my family, my friends. Things that I guess we all have to learn. I am just not sure I wanted to learn them before I hit 40.

My mom always told me that she would want someone to "pull the plug" on her. I always told her I couldn't do it. WRONG! When I saw her there and I knew she was in pain, suffering, I could have done it. I know now. I didn't know at 20, 25, 30, or even 35. Its impossible to know. But when you watch a loved one lying there and you realize she isn't the same person she was, you understand how people do it.

I also came to realize that there is value in physician assisted suicide. You don't have to like it. You don't have to agree with it. But when a sane, rational person knows there is an end, and its coming soon, that person should be able to go out on his or her own terms. I am sure my mom didn't want her last weeks to be the way the were, lying in hospice, unable to care for herself, unable to do the basic functions. If she had a choice, she would have gone another way. I think we all would. And why shouldn't we give people that option? I can't come up with a good reason.

I also realize we make decisions in haste in this life. Someone upsets us and we change things. Maybe we disown someone or we say something to someone we regret. Telling your brother that you are upset with your kid, especially an adult kid, is unproductive. Sorry, but what happens between a parent and adult child should be between the parent and adult child. So if I pissed off my mom, I am sorry. But that was our business. And no one else should be involved. That means you don't tell me I shouldn't be there for her funeral.

When we know its the last time we are going to see someone, we say things that need to be said - or needed to be said. Its those last moments when we are fortunate enough to say "I love you" to someone. That fixes everything. Those three words can't always fix problems, but when a loved one is dying, those three words can erase a decade of pain. My mom wasn't perfect, but neither was I. We fought. We saw things differently. She tried to protect me when I was younger. I tried to protect her when she got older. She didn't like it, but that was my decision to make and I wouldn't change it. It caused friction, but at the end of the day, when she called, I went. And when I had to leave, I said I love you. No one else was there to hear it, to see it, or to understand it. But when you have told people all of the issues, it makes it difficult, no impossible, for others to understand that dynamic and forgiveness.

It has been a challenge. Some days are good. Some days are harder. I wasn't overly close to my mom, especially the last 8 years or so. But I don't know that I needed to be. She understood the sacrifices that my dad made for us. I didn't make the same sacrifices, but sacrifices had to be made. And she got that. She may not have liked it, but she got it. I am sure of that. I just wish she could have told me. Because now I can't have that discussion with her - or my dad. Its odd. I don't have a parent to call, to talk to. It feels funny.

I know some good has come from it. I put together a fundraiser for her. We raised awareness of breast cancer, raised money, and did good for the community. She would be proud of that. But I also know that some "friends" haven't come through the way I would have expected them to. No calls, no emails. No offers of help or even a nice word. On the other hand, complete strangers have come out and helped, have gotten involved and, dare I say, become friends.

Its odd how death affects us. I am still pissed at cancer. I can't think of too many things crappier. Parkinsons, autism, cancer. That is my top three crappy things that suck. Absolutely no good comes from any of them.

So there it is. 5 months after I started with "Dear Cancer: Fuck you" I am still there. Cancer can still go kiss my ass. But I have also learned from this - death should be on our terms, even though it is often not. Parents and children have a special relationship and no one can understand that relationship, including siblings. Forgiveness should be given out more readily. And I am going to try to be a better person.